Bad guy?? Good guy??

**alana86** · 01-11-2012 02:02 AM

Hi,

I went to a party the other day and i was really nervous to drink. I always am there has been times when things happen i usually wouldnt do happen. And even though extreme things havent happened for years im constantly nervous while drinking. Anyway it was my brothers party,and i dont really know many of their friends that well, the one i do know enough was hanging out with his gf all night. So i ended up hanging out with a good friend of theirs ive met a fair bit now, i ended up hanging out with him all night because talking to others became kinda difficult. Anyway i made a huge point earlier in the night of telling him how much i didnt wanna drink that much, and how i didnt want anything crazy or different to happen. I havent been out for ages and my brothers wanted me to have a gd night, they assured me i was in safe hands and i became a bit more comfortable abt drinking, but i still didnt intend to drink to much, some how i kinda did and i dont really remember how this happened tipsy decisions and maybe a bit of pressure?? but that friend i had hung out with, was the one person that assured me he would take care of me and wouldnt let anything happen. He made it clear he liked me and i thought i made it clear i didnt. Anyway later in the night i made a stupid drunk decision to smoke weed on top of all the drinking i had done. I started to feel tired and wanted to go lay down, i went into my brothers room, and he came too i dont remember if i invited him or he asked! My brother found out and kicked him out, but i at the time didnt have a problem with him sleeping as his well known to the family, and i felt safer with him there ( was plenty of guys at the party) Anyway after the weed kicked in, i think i may have consented to sex. Im not saying he raped me, cause i know he didnt and if it happened i did consent. He told me we did, and he understood fully what he did. Do you think thats wrong under the circumstances i had warned him how i felt towards drinking and not wanting anything crazy or different to happen??

**BabyGirl** · 01-11-2012 06:12 AM

I think you should accept responsibility for your actions. I wonder why you are questioning if he is a Bad Guy or Good Guy ?

You chose to Drink, when you knew it would compromise your ability to make good and safe judgements for yourself . You then chose to smoke weed, also knowing it was not a good choice to make.

You laid down with him, not minding it as you said, as you felt safer with him there.You know he didn't rape you, but don't remember if you had consensual sex with him or not, if you did, you say it was consensual. he said you did have sex .

Honey, you really should take a look at YOUR actions, rather than his. You are lucky he wasn't a " Bad Guy " that could have raped you. If you don't like the outcome of this party, maybe you should learn from it, realize that drinking and smoking weed is not something you should do if you want to not have anything "Crazy or Different" to happen.

You have already admitted you didn't want to drink much as " Things Happen ". Maybe this is a Wake up Call to have more control over yourself. If you are legally old enough to drink, you need to be responsible about it. Adults can have a good time with only a drink or two. Mature Adults know when to stop and when to be Responsible.

If you are underage and not legal to drink. Don't drink again, until you are of age. Anything could have happened and those responsible for giving you alcohol and weed, could be in Big Trouble.

Just your being concerned about this is a Plus, you are recognizing things got out of control when you were not in control of yourself . Learn from this...

Good Luck.

**lizzardb63** · 01-11-2012 07:45 AM

I agree with Babygirl. I would suggest in the future also, if you don't feel comfortable being somewhere, you should just leave.

**Little** · 01-11-2012 08:34 AM

I disagree completely with the idea that a drunk woman is somehow responsible for any sex acts that may happen to her as opposed to with her. I'm not sure if that's what you were getting at, BG, but for a minute there it sounded like it.
Alana, if you are wondering whether this guy you were with was good or bad, take a look at the particulars. He hung around you at a party, where you told him you really weren't interested in him. You also told him you didn't want to drink a great deal because you have concerns about your self-control. He then participated in group pressures to have you drink more and smoke pot. (Others pressuring you may not have known about your self-control issues while under the influence, but this guy did, and he still participated.) Then the two of you had sex. While you may have consented in the moment, your partner was still operating on the knowledge that you had previous concerns about drunk behavior ... and that you weren't interested in him! While I don't think a label of "good" or "bad" is appropriate in this case, he seems a little emotionally immature and maybe manipulative. His actions don't speak well of him.

Definitely put up your guard in your next situation with alcohol. If the pressure from others to keep drinking is too great, you can either leave or doctor your drinks to be considerably weaker (or completely nonalcoholic.) The important thing is to keep the reins in YOUR hands, and if others won't respect that you will be in control, it's okay to pull a little prank on them.

**sp346** · 01-11-2012 09:41 AM

Based on the information you provided, its difficult to say whether he was a jerk or not. When intoxicated, you really don't have the ability to consent, although legally that may not be true. Was he intoxicated/under the influence also? If so, then you both made poor judgements. But if you were intoxicated and he was sober, then he clearly took advantage of you. It seems you must have been pretty intoxicated if you don't even remember what happened. If he was sober that whole time, I would say what he did is bordering on rape.

There are a few things you need to take to heart. One is just because you got drunk/high, doesn't give anybody the right to sexually take advancate of you. The other is that you need to take control of your drinking and partying. We have all done our share of crazy stuff when we were young, but you have to learn to keep it to a level where you still have control of yourself. The reality is that women have the burden of protecting themselve while intoxicated. We live in a society that we put that burden on women instead of teaching boys/men to control themselves with intoxicated girls/women. Its unfair, but you have to do what you have to do to protect yourself. I know when I was younger, we always partied in groups and someone was always sober enough not to let their friends do something stupid. If we weren't in a safe environment like that, we wouldn't be drunk. Its seems like you put your trust in the wrong individual that night since he had a crush on you. I'm also disappointed that your brother didn't look out for you that night and let you get into that situation, especially after telling you that you were safe.

My advise, don't get high around people that you are not 100% sure about. Better yet, don't get high at all. When drinking, make sure you don't drink to the point you know you can't control. Don't listen to others. They are not the ones who have to live with the consequence of what happens.

On a separate note, did you use projection when you has sex. If not, I would strongly urge you to get tested for STDs and possibly even take PlanB if you are not on some type of birth control. Its good for upto 5 days after the act.

**jns** · 01-11-2012 12:51 PM

I believe you were intoxicated to the point that you could not give legal consent. Sex without consent is rape. Even if he was equally intoxicated.

However if he was intoxicated and you used a strap-on on him, then you would be guilty of rape. I also believe that a person who drives while intoxicated and hurts someone should be charged as if they weren't intoxicated. A matter of who is the active person.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-11-2012 01:13 PM

Alana,

The first thing that I really "heard" of what you wrote, was that you told him in advance, that you did not want to drink too much and why you didn't want to drink to much...

We can not trust people in this World, especially when we divuldge personal information that may work against us, or "could" definately work against us... There, quite clearly, if a person does use that information to work against us, then they are "bad"... their intentions from get go is to take advantage of what they already know that they can get, all they have to do is to somehow co-erse you into having that drink or two.

Your brother was more than correct to kick him out.

Smoking weed, clouds people's judgement and if you are not used to it, knocks you out somewhat, also can make you feel sexual... It's understandable sometimes, we as "youth" want to experiement and try things but you have to I think be at a level of understanding with yourself first and try at "home" around a true friend, ie) female to see how you would re-act, or else don't risk it.

I am a tad disappointed that your Brother didn't keep a closer eye on you personally... You suggest that he knows what you are like, wanted you there to enjoy yourself, so he should have glanced around the room all night, to ensure you were alright but that's a lesson learnt on his behalf.. I am sure he feels horrible that his "mate" took advantage of his sister. It's not his fault, but I hope in future he watches over you a little more if invited out by him.

I can only say to you, in the future, you know what you can and can't do at this point.. don't take the gamble.

And, more importantly, good and bad, or good and evil.. Do not show your cards to someone who you don't know whether they are good or bad, (evil) intent.. Don't tell people your weaknesses...

Did he explain further what he meant by "he fully understood why he did?" ... Just curious on that note.

I am glad you are okay and not too worried about it all, and glad that you posed the question for future references and hope that we here, have helped.

**BabyGirl** · 01-11-2012 07:02 PM

I disagree completely with the idea that a drunk woman is somehow responsible for any sex acts that may happen to her as opposed to with her. I'm not sure if that's what you were getting at, BG, but for a minute there it sounded like it.

Little,
I was getting at the fact of " with her " not "to her". based on her own words, she felt safe with him laying next to her, her saying she possibly "invited " him and her saying it was Not Rape.

My point was, maybe a bit Harshly, to not get in that position again. I also don't believe that just because a Woman or Man is Drunk, that it is an excuse to have Unwanted Sex. Though, she isn't even sure herself that she did have sex with him, she is only taking his word, as she doesn't seem to Remember.

It is possible, that she could have made the first move and if he was also drunk and on Drugs ( Weed ) then it could be just something that happened between two Intoxicated and Stoned people.

I do however believe that if ANYONE, Male or Female willingly put themselves in a position to not be in Control of themselves and actions, They are at least partially responsible for things that happen.

Say your Brother gets drunk with Buddies, they stop at a 7-11 store for smokes, all go in , one decides to rob the Clerk & shoots them. The law will charge all with the Crime, Not just the one who does the shooting. Because there was no attempt to stop it or leave the store. Therefore if your brother left and called 911, he would not be considered an Accomplice.

Drunk or Stoned, one knows what is Right from Wrong, in the manner that if they know they do Stupid things when Drunk or High, they know it is not in their best interest to Get Drunk or High.

That is why I said I hope, since she has said she has had problems and Crazy stuff before , when drinking, That she has hopefully Learned from this incident and hopefully she will never be in that position ever again.

The Guy also should not drink as much, should avoid any situation that could ever even possibly get him in the position to be Accused of Rape. The Brother also should have kept a better Eye on his sister, it was his party, so therefore he should know where each guest is and make sure of their safety.

Alana

I am glad you are ok. Please use this experience to safeguard yourself. Never go into a room alone, especially in a bed with a Guy, you don't like. If you feel unsafe stay in a crowd, ask a sober Friend or your Brother or Sober " Host/ Hostess " to take you home or call you a cab.

There are far too many Missing and killed Women that had they been Sober and not at Parties or at risk, that would be home with their Families, if only that had used some Caution and Responsibility, Been Careful and Aware of themselves and Others .

**alana86** · 01-12-2012 05:12 AM

Thank you everyone for your comments and support, i really appreciate it! The person involved is well known to my family, and known to be a respectful person.. i guess you really cant trust anyone. What im angry about is i had explained, i was vulnerable under the influence of drinking etc and he fully inderstoood that.Yeah he was drinking/smoking too but ive remembered alot more since finally getting some sleep ( i found it hard sleeping after this happened) and it seemed like he knew what he doing,also he admitted to me he had control of himself. I had two brothers there that night, and just before this happened one of my brothers had a talk to him, warning him to stay away from me. I guess my other brother is just as naive as i am in trusting his friend. The sex was consential, im the first to take responsibility for myself in what happened, but i did feel safe drinking knowing i was with family. What im more worried about is how my mind can change so much while drinking/smoking, im not looking for a wayyy out of judgement but more concern that this could happen! when its some thing i wouldnt even consider while sober is this normal?? If he asked me now it would be no on so many levels! im loyal to my brothers, dont have feelings for this person, and would prefer to experience sex in a relationship.. How can my mind change so much?? I feel like im not normal!

**jns** · 01-12-2012 06:47 AM

Let me ask about another scenario to see if you fully believe you were in control enough to give consent, not just mouth the words. The scenario is that you own your house free and clear. When you were at such a state you signed a legally correct quit claim deed, properly witnessed, for your house, over to this guy because he sweet talked you into doing so. Would you later just let it pass that you were out of your mind at the time, but it was perfectly legal. If you lost that much of your wealth, I doubt it. Why not see your own body with such self preservation and exclusivity?