Jokes

**anonymouswhitefemale** · 12-17-2008 10:25 AM

**patricias213** · 12-19-2008 11:48 AM

Father Christmas Calls
Alex was five; all his Christmas presents were always signed, 'from Father Christmas.'

A little while after Alex had opened all his presents on Christmas morning, we became aware that he was looking quite down in the mouth for no obvious reason.

'What's the matter, Al?' I asked.

'Ummmm, 'replied Alex slowly, 'I really hoped that you and Mummy would give me something for Christmas.'

c) Trust Him?
On the Sunday before Christmas Reverend Billy Graham was walking down Highland street in Mt Holly, North Carolina on his way to see a parishioner. However, he wanted to post a parcel urgently so he asked a young boy where he could find the post office. When the boy had directed him, Reverend Graham thanked him and said, 'If you'll come to the Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to heaven.'

The boy replied, 'I think I'll give your sermon a miss. If you don't even know your way to the post office, how will you lead me to heaven?'

d) Christmas Spirit
It was just before Christmas and the magistrate was in a happy mood. He asked the prisoner who was in the dock, 'What are you charged with?'

The prisoner replied, 'Doing my Christmas shopping too early.'

'That's no crime', said the magistrate. 'Just how early were you doing this shopping?'

'Before the shop opened', answered the prisoner.

e) Christmas Turkey
It was Christmas Eve in at the meat counter and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one.

In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said, 'Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

'No, madam, 'he replied, 'they're all dead.'

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-23-2008 04:19 AM

Merry Christmas, funny one....................

CW.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-23-2008 04:20 AM

Originally Posted by anonymouswhitefemale

And the quote was? Homeowner? Please, no, no, no, no, I am on holidays, what's real estate got to do with it? ha

**JWB_pof** · 12-23-2008 10:31 AM

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

**N01** · 12-27-2008 11:26 AM

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day when she got home
she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day when he got home he
told his wife that he had slept over at a mate's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed
that he was still there.

**anonymouswhitefemale** · 12-28-2008 07:50 AM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

And the quote was? Homeowner? Please, no, no, no, no, I am on holidays, what's real estate got to do with it? ha

Homeowner has nothing to do with it... Read his name aloud.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-28-2008 02:44 PM

Originally Posted by anonymouswhitefemale

Homeowner has nothing to do with it... Read his name aloud.

Well my mind was not in the "gutter".................

CW

**JWB_pof** · 01-02-2009 05:27 PM

here is one for you all to have a quick laugh, hope you all enjoy this one

a nurse walks into a patients room to give an upper sponge bath
the man is elderly and has an oxygen mask on
as she is washing his chest the patient asks, "are my testicle black"?
the nurse answers. "i am here to give you an upper sponge bath only"
the man answers, "ok, but can you see if my testicles are black?"
again she answered, "sir I am only to wash your upper body"
the man asks for a third time, "i know, but can you check and see if my testicals are black?"
the nurse says, "fine i will check."
so she lifts the mans gown up raises his penis and looks. she recovers the man and says to him, "no your balls are fine"

the man takes off his oxygen mask and says,
"thank you ma'am for touching me, but I asked if my test results are back."

**WildChild** · 01-09-2009 10:12 PM

Filling in what Anon put up in blogs here are some more from the same source, hope I weeded out all the duplicates:

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he live d with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I
was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

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