imported_patricias213

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.

She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party.

In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."

imported_womens-health

Hahahahah!!

imported_Dolphins

Hey Patricias,

You should make the 1000th post , and do it with one of your jokes!!!

imported_patricias213

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

imported_Dolphins

LOL!!--Too Funny a joke --I guess the pineapples must really hurt!!

The thousandth is only 7 away, we need to break it in with a great joke like that one!!!

imported_patricias213

lol yea i'm sure the pineapple will hurt.lets hope we make it to the 1000th ...

imported_patricias213

Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."

"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****."

imported_Dolphins

LOL----Sounds just like our beautiful system we have today!!

imported_patricias213

New Rule: - Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing th ese days: - mowing my lawn.

New Rule: - Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: - Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: - lucky *******s.

New Rule: - If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of yo ur idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: - Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: - do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: - There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this **** at the supermarket? Water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: - The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge *******.

New Rule: - I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: - Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your . And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: - I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: - If you're going to insist on making movies based on< FONT color=navy> ****py, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: - No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people's version of looting.

New Rule: - And this one is long overdue: - No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or ju st some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: - When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

imported_patricias213

The Browns were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a
>> surrogate father to start their family.
>> On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr Smith kissed his wife
and
>> said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
>> Half an hour later, just by chance, Roger, a door-to-door baby
>> photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning
>> madam, I've come to..."
>> "Oh, no need to explain, I've been expecting you," Mrs Brown cut in.
>> "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well good! I've made a specialty
of
>> babies."
>> "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat."
>> After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
>> "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on
the
>> couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometime the living room
floor is
>> fun too... you can really spread out!!"
>> "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and
me."
>> "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if
we
>> try several different positions and shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm
>> sure you'll be pleased with the results."
>> "My, my, that's a lot of..." gasped Mrs Brown.
>> "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be
in
>> and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm
sure."
>> "Don't I know it," Mrs Brown muttered.
>> The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of
his
>> baby pictures.
>> "This was done on top of a bus."
>> "Oh my gawd!!" Mrs Brown exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
>> "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider
their
>> mother was so difficult to work with."
>> "She was difficult?" asked Mrs Brown.
>> "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get
the job
>> done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing
to
>> get a good look."
>> "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs Brown, eyes widened in amazement.
>> "Yes" the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too.
The
>> mother was constantly squealing and yelling, I could hardly
concentrate!!
>> Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when
the
>> squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
>> Mrs. Brown leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your
>> um....equipment?"
>> "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so
that
>> we can get to work."
>> "Tripod??"
>> "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too
big
>> for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's
fainted!!!"