Thread: Jokes

ALWAYS ASK, NEVER ASSUME !!

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get
some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

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Story about an Early Morning Drunk

Rodney and Wilma wife are awakened at 3 o'clock early one Saturday morning by a loud pounding on the door. Rodney man gets up and goes to the door where he sees a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain.

"Give us a push" says the swaying stranger.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" Wilma asks.

"No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring with rain outside.

His wife said, "Don't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Rodney does as he is told, gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out Rodney.
"Yes. Please." comes the reply from the darkness.

"Where are you?" asks Rodney.
"Over here on the swing," replies the drunk.

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A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts!"

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Ten minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts!"

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"

The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..."

The man sighs and says, "It's started..."


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A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says "Wow!, you must have had one of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender says "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?".

"Yeah, my wife..."


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Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them.

The first guy said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's incredible!"

The second guy says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm God!"

"She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?"

"Easy...Every night she places a burnt offering before me!"


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