OMFG THAT JOKE FUNNY I LAUGH SO HARD ALMOST PEE MY PANTS

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man but I don't think he can live with my problems." So she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.

A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country, she called her husband and told him she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she could walk off any ill effect by the time she reached home. So she stopped at the diner, and before she knew it she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted.

Upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her, exclaming delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her then led her to a chair at the table. Just as he was about to remove the blindfold the phone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold till he came back. Then he went to answer the phone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted the weight to one leg, and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelt like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk coming froma pulp mill. She took a napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking. Keeping her ears turned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signed the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with the napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contently to herself, she was the picture of innocence when her husband returned. Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removes the blindfold to reveal twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a first Happy Anniversary!

If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
Can you make a candle out of your earwax?
When French people swear do they say pardon my English?
Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?
If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?
Can a fire truck park in the fire lane?
Can it be cloudy and foggy at the same time?
"Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?
Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?
Are marbles made of marble?
Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup?
If you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you money back? (Granted you lived)
Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?
Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Can you get cornered in a round room?
Why do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there?
Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?
If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?
In that song, she'll be coming around the mountain, who is she?
How come we say 'It's colder than outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than since is supposed to be fire and brimstone?
Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?
Why do dogs sniff other dog?s bottoms to say hello, why don?t they just bark in their face or something?

LMBO! Why haven't I read these jokes before???

Yall crazy!

Wow those jokes were hilarious! Especially the one about posting to wrong email addresses. Please keep sending more

bob meets an old friend fred one day while watching a golf tournament..fred says to bob "didn't know you liked golf"..bob says " oh i don't, i just came here to say hello to my friend tiger woods", fred says to bob ", you know tiger woods" oh yes says bob. i know everyone..fred says to bob that you couldn't possibly know everyone..oh yes i do says bob, in fact tomorrow i'm going to see my friend george bush..fred decides to tag along and sure enough fred and george have a short talk together and fred is amazed..bob says to fred i told you that i know everyone..fred decides to challenge bob and says to him "tomorrow the pope is giving a mass at yankee stadium, come along with me, you can't possibly know the pope"..yes as a matter of fact i do know him and i will go to yankee stadium with you to prove it..the next day 50,000 people crowd onto the playing field at yankee stadium and bob and fred push thier way to the front of the crowd..bob tells fred he is going up onto the stage to shake the pontiff's hand..bob says hello your highness and the pope says hello bob..as they are shaking hands bob looks down to his old friend fred and sees he has fainted..when fred finally regains consciousness he says to bob, "you really do know everybody, the guy standing next to me in the crowd said who is the guy in the white suit shaking hands with bob"..

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath 'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.' He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she over comes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says,
'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, closely...... A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

Oh patricias, you so funny
these are funny jokes,
the last one is insanely hilarious .I emailed it to my G/friends