A Lesson In Church


A man and his wife were sitting in church, the man was sleeping and his wife was knitting.The priest asked "Who created the Earth and man?"The woman poked the man with her knitting needle and the man screamed, "GOD!"The Priest looked at him and said, "That's right."
Then he asked "Who is God's son?"Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, "Jesus Christ!" Again, the priest said, "Correct."
Finally, the priest asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when she didn't want any more children?"The knitter poked her husband again, but this time he screamed "Poke me with that thing one more time and I'm going to rip it off!"The priest smiled and said, "That's right."

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She
goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina'.
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same
man and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'.
She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has
happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a
loving and concerned voice
'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy
shows up again'.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for
the door.
The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm
going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to
answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going
with it'.
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same
question.
Do you have vagina'.......
'Yes' she says......
The man replies... 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to
leave my wife's alone and start using yours ?'

you've probably heard this a 100 times, but it's still funny!!

Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of
living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near to Mt Isa. A few
days after moving in the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across
and welcome the new guy to the region, so he goes next door but on his
way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front
yard chasing about 10 hens not wanting to interrupt these "Chinese
customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about
to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the
Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to
interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on
hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give it one last
go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull
down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's
bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese
man and says "Jeez Mate, what the is it with your Chinese customs?
I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running
around the yard after hens. The next day you are ****ing in a glass,
and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that
bull's bum, it could just about **** on you."

The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry sir, you no
understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian
Customs."

"What do you mean mate" says the Aussie, "Those aren't
Australian customs."

"Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me" replied the Chinese
man," He say to become true Australian, I learn chase chicks, drink
****, and listen to bull-****"

addit: the **** for the drink is another word for urine, starting with P and commonly referred to as such when meaning beer.

Marriage (Part I )

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)




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Marriage (Part II)


Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband--Stiff At Last.'"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)



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Marriage (Part III)


Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer th e phone?"



She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

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Marriage (Part IV)



A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling

his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

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THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AMfor an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AMand he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

ive got a joke for you to, a girl goes on a date with a guy, theyve been going out for a while now, after the date finished the boy walks the girl home,as there walking up the girls garden path, the girl turns around and says to the guy, would you like to meet my parents, the guy says yeah ok, so as they reach the door, the girl says to the guy i have to tell you something, my parents are deaf and dumb, so they walk into the house, the father is sitting watching football on the tele, and the mother is sitting knitting, the boy goes in and gives a nice smile and puts his hand up to say hi, the girl tells him to take a seat and she'll go to the kitchen to make a cup of tea, so he sat down, and while she was in the kitchen, the mother stood up, went to the bathroom and got a basin of water, she set it on the floor, she then took her skirt of and then her knickers of, she stood with her legs open over the dish of water, and started scooping water with her hands, and wetting her fanny, the guy just didnt know where to look, but things just got worse the father took a match stick and lit it, and held it upside down till it burned right to the end and he burned his hand,the guy stood up, and was making his way to the door to leave, when the girl came through, he said to her he was leaving, she asked why, he said look deaf and dumb i can handle, but they are just plane crazy, so he told her what they did, she replied there only communicating, he said what possibly could lay be saying to each other, the girl said, well mum did what she did, that means, will we give this **** a drink, and what dad did means, not till the end of the match, do you get it, just think about it,

A woman had just got a phone call from her husband and he told her to come home early after work, since it was their 10th anniversary, she decided to go along with it. She was in the middle of eating a bean and egg cheese burrito and she wanted to finish it before she went home

On the way to her house her stomache began bubbling and churning and she started farting. She quickly rolled down the window and regretted eating the burrito. She tried to let as much as she could out before arriving at her house. She finally stopped as she pulled up in the drive way.

As soon as she walked in the house her husband wrapped a blind fold over her eyes and leaded her to the dinning room to sit at the dinner table. He kissed her once twice and was about to untie her blind fold but the phone rang.

He went over there and told her to sit tight and relax. Her stomache began to bubble again so she let it out slowly. It smelled of cornchips eggs and sour milk. She made a face of discust and reached for the closest napkin to air out the smell. So she quietly started passing gas one by one, some soft some silent. She would stop to listen if her husband was still on the phone then continued to pass gas and fan it out. She finally stopped and whipped away the last horrible smell just as her husband hung up the phone and started walking towards the dinning room. He reached the dinner table and started kissing her telling her that he loved her. He then untied her blind fold and yelled surprise to reveal thirteen people already sitting at the dinner table.....

ha ha thats funny