To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

We will wake the kids - 54 times

It's too late - 15 times

I'm too tired - 42 times

It's too early - 12 times

It's too hot - 18 times

Pretending to be asleep - 31 times

The neighbors will hear - 9 times

Headache or backache - 26 times

Sunburn - 10 times

Your mother will hear us - 9 times

Not in the mood - 21 times

Watching the late show - 17 times

Too sore - 26 times

New hairdo - 6 times

Wrong time of the month - 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby

**********************

To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times

Did not come home at all - 36 times

Did not come - 21 times

Came too soon - 38 times

Went soft before you got it in - 19 times

Cramps in your leg - 16 times

Working too late - 33 times

You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times

Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times

You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times

You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times

You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times

You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times

Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"

Love, Your Wife

Three blondes find a lamp in a desert, and all start rubbing it furiously hoping to get a wish. The genie pops out, and asks the first blonde what she wants. "I want to be smarter", says the blond, and poof, she becomes a brunette. The second blonde pleads to be even smarter than the first girl to use it, and poof, she becomes a readhead. The last blonde girl's turn comes, and she thinks she's got it made. "I want to be smarter than both of these girls put together, and poof! She becomes a man.


*waits to be crucified*

Hahah

I haven't heard that one in about... 18yrs.

This is an old one...

A young man goes to pick up a young lady for their first date. The young lady's father answers the door and invites the boy inside. He informs him that his daughter still getting ready and offers the boy a seat. Sometime after the father is giving the young man interrogation the young man starts to feel some gas. The interrogation goes on and the young man begins to panic and just then the family dog comes into the room and sits at the feet of the young man. Siezing the opportunity, the boy silently releases some of the gas. A few seconds latter the father looks at the dog and says, "Duuuke." Realizing that his plan has worked, the boy continues to fart while the father continues to call out "Duke!" The boy farts for the forth and final time and father, at this time, has had enough. He stands up, yells at his dog, "Duke! You better move before that boy sh*ts on you!"

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been . Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
YourEX-H usband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband -
Nothing has made my day more than receiving you r letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99
price tag w a s still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

Another old one...

Two elderly couple in their 60s went and saw their docter about having children. They inform the docter that although they decided at a young age not to ever have children, they have found that something has always been missing in their life and they believe that a child is it. Concerned about their age the doctor agreed to preform test to see if they were still fertile. To his amazement he found that the woman was to able to concieve. He then handed the old man a cup and asked the man to fill it so that he may preform a sperm count. The man entered a room and reappeared a half hour later quite embarrassed. He asked the doc if it would be alright if his wife gave him a hand since he still was unable to fill the cup. The old man and the old lady exit the room an hour later, both with an embarrassed look on their face. The man gives the empty cup back to the doc and says,
"Well sir, I tried with my right hand, and nothing. I then tried with my left hand, nothing. Bertha tried with her right hand, then she tried with her left hand, nothing. She tried with her teeth in and with her teeth out. But d*mnit we still could not get this d*mn lid off of this cup."

CSI

In light of the hit TV show CSI, many colleges around the nation have been experiencing an increase in registration of Criminal Investigation courses. One such course, taught by Prof. D Simpson, has an unusual way of introducing students to the intricacies of criminal investigation. On their very first day, Prof. Simpson introduces his students to a cadaver. He insist that to discover the truth each investigator must become "One With the Victim", that they have an intimate knowledge of the victim. Simpson then takes a finger and inserts it into the rectum of the cadaver. Upon taking his finger out he immediately places it into his own mouth. To the shock and horror of his students, he issues each one to repeat the rectal exam of the cadavar. After each of his student has gain their intimate knowledge, he introduces his next lesson, "Critical Observation." He then asks his students whether they noticed which finger he place into the cadaver's rectum and which he placed into his mouth.

> An American is having breakfast, in Paris, one
morning (coffee, croissants,bread, butter and jam)
when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.
The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a
conversation.
Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"
American (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't.
In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a
container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and
sell them to the states."
The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the
bread??"
American: "Of Course."
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his
teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all
the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle
them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the states."
After a moment of silence, The American then asks:
"Do you have sex in France?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
American: "And what do you do with the condoms once
you've used them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a
container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to
France."