Please Help - at wits end!

**aussie-g** · 02-28-2011 05:13 AM

Hi,

My name's Dave, I'm alomst 50 and I'm at my wits end.

I'd like to think I'm supportive to my partner who for the last 4 - 5 years (she's now almost 54) has menopause. Over this time our relationship has deterated to a point now where every day is a living nightmare.

She did try hormone replacement therapy and that helped. However, whether it was a case of self destructive behaviour or something else, but she had an argument with her Gyno's secretary and refused to go back.

Hence here script ran out and she's not been taking medication since. It's been 11 months now or there abouts.

Since this time things have got worse - actually a lot worse than they were before the she took the medication. To the point where I seroiusly can't take much more - I'm losing my sanity and am starting to feel victimised.

I've made a list of the following symptoms which are evident right now:

Night Sweats - these have been ongoing for a number of years.
Mood Swings - lately she is perminately angry with me.
Low Tollence Levels - even the smallest things can trigger her to lose the plot.
Loss of Concerntration - forgets things, become disorentated.
Depression - speaks of wanting to her drive car into a tree.
Zero Labido - forget about sex, we don't even kiss anymore.
Super Critical - picks on anything and everything - to the point of picking up other people's mistakes - can't even drive to the shops without her commenting on another driver doing this, that or the other.
Unaproachable - Feel like I'm perminantly walking on egg shells.
Loss of Interest - Just doesn't seem concerned about interests she once had.

Most of my waking hours are spent in my home office because frankly it's a good way to avoid any sort of confrontation. If I'm else where in the home it's likely I'll say (in her mind) the wrong thing or look the wrong way (I'm sure you gfet what I mean). That just gets her even more angry - she becomes really hurtful and nasty to the point where I get angry too. So I figure it's better I just stay in my office.

I've tried talking to her but all I get is things thrown back in my face. So I give that one a miss these days. I've tried writing her letters so she can read at her own pace. That seems to work and she promises to get help but nothing eventuates, it all goes back to the same old same old a few days later.

When I prompt her about what she's going to to do I get a backlash of anger so I just shut up and retreat back to my office. What hurts the most is the vast difference in her personality, mood et al.

Before the menopause hit she was a happy, friendly person. She really cared about herself, about me and showed empathy for others around her. We used to talk heaps and share our life together.

But now it's the complete opposite. The only thing she seems to enjoy are crossword puzzles - to the point of them being an obsession. However IMHO better she be doing these than going nuts at me, our puppy or any other number of issues that seem to be the brought out by this menopause on steriods.

I honestly don't know what else to do. I still love my SO very much but I honestly don't know how much more of this I can take. When things eventually get too much for her and she starts crying - which happens a lot lately too, she tells me she's sorry for being nasty and what not, she tells me she still loves me et al. However that can all change in a click of a finger.

It's really starting to affect and take a toll on my sanity.

I'd sure appreciate some advice, thanks!

Cheers

Dave

**WildChild** · 02-28-2011 08:13 AM

Wow, sounds absolutely miserable. I'm perimenopausal and can assure you that not all women have this kind of experience, it sounds like something is very wrong. The transistion into menpause can last up to 10 years, it sounds like you're well into that. You may have to really put your foot down on this and insist that she see a doctor. If she won't go back to the old one, I'm sure there are plenty more- Australia is a big country. She needs to have a complete hormone work up, it isn't just a matter of estrogen but rather the balance between several hormones. It might help if you can educate yourself on this. I really think that the best book I can recommend is, The Wisdom Of Menopause, by Dr. Christiane Northrup. She is a medical doctor who takes a very informative and positve approach, You might also check out her web site.

Her book explains a great deal about the various hormones, what goes on in a woman's body and brain during this change and why conventional HTR isn't always effective. A woman's brain esssentially rewires during this time, for some women this is a time of great growth and development while some, like your partner, are miserable. It sounds like her hormones are seriously out of wack. While she may not be able to control herself , she certainly can get help and you may have to simply not take no for answer on this. She does not have a right to abuse you any more than you have a right to abuse her. Sit her down and firmly but lovingly tell her that she MUST get help or you will be leaving.

Have other women in her family had this much trouble?
Did she have PMS before?

**aussie-g** · 02-28-2011 01:47 PM

(edited previous poster's reply)

Maybe my nerves are a bit fried BUT your post come across as attacking me.
If I didn't care or understand I wouldn't be here asking for help, assistance and suggestions.

I'm not the enemy here.

Cheers

Dave

**pretzel** · 02-28-2011 01:58 PM

Originally Posted by aussie-g

Maybe my nerves are a bit fried BUT your post come across as attacking me.
If I didn't care or understand I wouldn't be here asking for help, assistance and suggestions.

I'm not the enemy here.

Cheers

Dave

Dave,

I'm a guy also and my story is exactly like yours and I wrote it over a year ago and trust me you won't be attacked (mods are great at controlling it) and believe me when I say it, there will responses (and you can do a search for similar topics also) that will really help in dealing with this.

Also, it never hurts to stay and talk here. And I've been here for a good while.

**aussie-g** · 02-28-2011 02:43 PM

Thanks Pretzel, nice to know I'm not the only guy going through this or the only one who cares about it enough to try and help my SO.

Cheers

Dave

**aussie-g** · 02-28-2011 02:53 PM

Thanks WildChild for your understanding and informative approach. I suppose I'm some what to blame for not putting my foot down, or at least demanding my SO get this sorted before it reached this level. But must always move forward and not look behind - can't change the past only the future, hey!

Originally Posted by WildChild

Have other women in her family had this much trouble?
Did she have PMS before?

My SO and her mother, actually her entire family don't have a close relationship.
At 18 she was told if you don't like our rules move out, so she did.

She also just found out her mother passed away in Sept 2010. No one from here family told her.
My partners daughter found the bad news by chance. Hence she's feeling even more depressed lately. Which is total understandable.

I get the feeling her mother did experience some similar menopause issues. My SO lets little things slip out now and again - tend to get a peice here and peice there and eventually the puzzle takes shape. However to what extent her mother's menopause affected her, I really don't know.

Of all of this puzzle I know her mother used to send my SO and her sister to stay with their aunty a lot.

I also believe some underlaying depression may also be fueling and agrovating these menopause side affects. Back in 2001 - 2002 when she was on the brink of leaving here husband, she was going through bouts of depression. I understand she'd been prescribed medication. I believe she took these for a good 12 months or more.

We meet in June 2005 and she wasn't on any meds then.

As far as PMS goes, a bit narky sometimes but not anywhere in the ball park compared to what has transpired since menopause hit.

If I had to sum it up in one explaination, my SO has turned into the complete opposite of what she once was. That being friendly, loving, compassionate, caring, understanding - we used to be best of friends who could and would share anything and everything together.

I miss that a lot.

Cheers

Dave

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-28-2011 03:11 PM

Sorry about that previous post, often posters don't "read" they "read into things" relating to themselves, or women in general.

It's evident if you read your original post you care deeply for your wife and this particular situation.

Depression, does not motivate you to want to do anything, about anything...It brings you down sometimes so far, that you can't get up... And, if you have an injury or an illness, it will manifest 10 fold..

Last year before I met my fiance I went off the pill...As a result I missed a couple of periods it was the "love" that allowed me to not go over the edge, I experienced a few of those symptoms, here I am again 1 year later and onto 3rd month missed again

I am going with the flow, yes, hot flashes, give you sleepless nights, so you get moody, if I snap at all, and it's rare, I get a hug and a comment that makes me laugh...If I snap at my step-daughter, I apologise and blame it on sleep, and make her laugh...

But, I'm not depressed...

I know that a few deep breathes, a glass of water, a walk around the block, helps me and I jump it..But, I have the will power to ensure that if I have to go through this, and this is a sign of what will come, I'll do it without affecting as much as possible, my SO...

It sounds as if your wife has gone through a hard childhood without love...It sounds as if she choose you because you have love to give, what she craves for, hense her appologies..She knows it, but she can't control it, because she's not motivated to...She's too depressed.

Her Mother may not have been there for her, passed her over to others, but then her family threw her something as well, the denial of allowing her to grieve, we still love our Mother's regardless of what they do....I left at 16...That hurts, there's no closure...

Has she visited her Mother's grave? If not, I would be suggesting that she writes a card, letter, and take her there, let her spend some time, talking to her...leaving the letter / card there, or burning it and throwing it to the wind, after she is there, for closure...I believe they can hear us...

Why was she depressed, when with her ex? Medications are not always the solution, rather getting out what it is that is hurting you, bothering you and understanding it, that it was not your fault and we can't change people, they are who they are...

Somehow you need to get her to talk again, instead of shutting out the World...

I believe it's the depression that is escalating and making this worse, and whilst your walking on egg shells, there are no discussions, rather pushing in a nice way for her to take medication... When really she needs closure on the issues that are hurting her, to even be able to want to take medication, or want to be happy...

Hard....

CW

**aussie-g** · 02-28-2011 03:22 PM

To explain why it's becoming very hard for me to cope, I was diagnosed with a bi-polar but that turned out to be a misdiagnosis. What I had and have been suffering in silience for many years was post trumatic stress.

Things are a lot better these days for me but I still have to watch for triggers. What we're going through now isn't helping.

But I'm generally a strong person - I've had to be. It's been me, myself and I since 87`when my father passed away. I too don't have a relationship with my mother, sister or any extended family.

In essence you could say it's been my SO and me against the world...lol

Cheers

Dave

**Claret** · 02-28-2011 03:30 PM

I'm guessing it was my post that was edited out - if it came across as attacking you I sincerely apologize as that really was not the case. I merely wanted to point out that she is no more in control of her emotions and her mood swings than you are. She needs medical assistance and/or other alternative methods to control the wildly swing hormonal changes going through her. They affect not only her physical well-being but also play a part in emotions.

I urge you to help her to contact a physician and/or to find alternative assistance (i.e. herbal medicines etc.) to help her get through these times.

I wish you luck.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-28-2011 03:39 PM

Originally Posted by aussie-g

To explain why it's becoming very hard for me to cope, I was diagnosed with a bi-polar but that turned out to be a misdiagnosis. What I had and have been suffering in silience for many years was post trumatic stress.

Things are a lot better these days for me but I still have to watch for triggers. What we're going through now isn't helping.

But I'm generally a strong person - I've had to be. It's been me, myself and I since 87`when my father passed away. I too don't have a relationship with my mother, sister or any extended family.

In essence you could say it's been my SO and me against the world...lol

Cheers

Dave

Like attracts like, an understanding....

It is what will help us through our lives together, that understanding...But, you need her strength, she needs your strength maybe you both need to find a solution to take away all of this together, both of you...

Can you take time out and both get on a plane for a week?

CW