finallyfree2009

I am 53 years old. I started my periods a week before my 13th birthday. How well I remember that God-awful day. My periods started to taper off about 2 years ago and as of now I haven't had a period for almost a year. I suffered with PMDD for almost 38 years. This is my story and I hope that it keeps some young woman from suffering the way I did. Young woman today shouldn't have to suffer today. The information is out there. Doctors, parents and loved ones need to listen.

PMDD destroyed my life. In my time there was no diagnosis called "PMDD" and PMS and cramps was all in a young girl's head! Even now it is hard to find doctors who will take a woman seriously about this--that has to change.

Every month for 38 years of my life it was like my whole world ended. I could feel and even see (PMDD can cause visual problems) that dark gray cloud descending on me 2 weeks or so before my period and I began to turn into someone I didn't recognize (and didn't want to know). On top of that I couldn't go to school. I couldn't hold a job because of the severe cramps I suffered each month. My period did not always just flow. It came down in clumps. I doubled over, I couldn't eat, I drank. I ended up in emergency rooms. I had four D&C's. Was put on strong pain medication (darvon, demerol) at a very young age. Nothing helped. I wanted a hysterectomy and probably, now that I look back on things, that would have been the best thing for me but no doctor would do it and my parents probably would not have agreed to it. That's too bad, because I believe my life would have been much different had I received the PROPER treatment whatever that treatment might have been.

For 38 years of my life I only felt normal for 1 week out of each month! One week, that's all I had. During that week I felt physically and mentally somewhat normal. At least I felt human. The sun came out again and that gray cloud came off of my eyes. I felt like I was literally emerging from a coffin--digging myself out of a grave. I remember feeling exhausted and hungry. My menstrual cycle took an awful lot out of me. Most of the time I was either in agony physically or spiralling out of control mentally and emotionally! I was someone I didn't want to know. I was either depressed or angry most of the time. I was angry because I had to deal with this every month and I felt that if I had to deal with this I might as well die. I had severe mood changes. I was impulsive, irrational, at times violent, promiscuous, irritable, angry, bloated, in pain, sick and just plain miserable! I could not think straight nor could I focus or function. I felt like I was on a roller coaster ride every single month. I never knew how I was going to feel from day to day. I had, during my menstrual cycle, what I used to call, "a bad case of the f*ck its" (I used to laugh and try to turn it into a joke, but it was far from funny!). I didn't give a about anything, and THAT feeling made me feel even worse. I felt like I was just a worthless waste of space. I couldn't understand why I didn't give a about anything. I didn't understand why I did some of things that I did because I was not raised that way. I never had any hope, any dreams, any goals. I never gave thought to the future or what I wanted to be or do in life because most of the time I wanted to die. I didn't dare look to the future because every month I decended into what I can only describe as the depths of . I knew from a young age that what was happening to me had something to do with my menstrual cycle but I don't think doctors listened so good. Not only that, it took me some time to equate my personality changes, mood changes and behavior to my menstrual cycle. I just figured I was just a weak, worthless piece of sh*t.

I spent my 13th birthday in a mental ward diagnosed with schizophrenia. I ran away from home as a kid more than once. I had a lot of problems. I started drinking and smoking pot when I was 14 years old. By the time I reached my 20's I was heavily into cocaine. Crack came next. Drugs made me feel better--at least for a while and a little while was fine with me. Throughout my life I also committed several crimes. I believe that crime gave me a sense of power and control that I didn't have in any other area of my life. It's just by the grace of God that I didn't end up dead or in prison for some of the things I've done. All those years, all those years I felt so bad. I felt so useless, like I was just a bad person. I hated myself, I hated life, I hated my parents for having me and I felt like all the time. Then came the birth of my son. Motherhood scared me. It literally petrified me. I remember the first time I saw him when he was born. He was about 1 month premature but he was beautiful and healthy as a horse. I remember going to see him in his incubator every day all day. However, it was not how it was in the movies—automatic love. What I felt for my son when I saw him can only be described as AWE. I was awestruck! I counted his little fingers and toes. I remember looking at him and saying "God help you, you have a space cadet for a mom". I felt that giving birth to my son was the only right thing I've ever done in my life and I was drawn to him. However, in the same token I also wondered how someone so beautiful and perfect could ever come from me. I thought that God had made a mistake in giving such a beautiful life to me. Consequently, I felt he would be better off without me. I just thought I was no good, bad a failure, irresponsible, weak and crazy. When my menstrual cycle came around each month and I would feel so bad I thought no one goes through this, why me? I begin to think that I was being punished for something and that I deserved that punishment. I thought I was weak for not being able to handle this. I must be crazy, right? It's all in my head, right? I give into everything, right? I felt like and my self-esteem was non-existent. Needless to say, I was not a good mother at all. My mood changes, irritability, low-self esteem, confusion, fear, on top of my severe monthly menstrual pain and drug use caused me to be very unpredicable and even treat my son badly at times and because of that I was not there for my son and missed out on his whole life. I can't get that back. I don't spend a whole lot of time wallowing in regrets. But I do so regret not being able to be a mom. That's the most important job a woman can have.

I had gotten into a lot of drug and legal trouble in New York so after my marriage failed I moved to Tucson in 1994. For several months after I got to Tucson I stopped using drugs and found temporary work. However, I still was dealing with this roller coaster ride I went though each month and the severe cramps so I could not always make it to work. Drugs entered my life again. I made somewhat half hearted attempts at suicide more than once while in Tucson. I was hospitalized more than once and put on several medications. At the end of 1994, my first love, who I somehow managed to find after 23 years came out to live with me. At the time, he was getting out of prison in New York and told him that maybe he should come out and live with me. Before he came out I quit drugs again and remained relatively clean for about two years. At the time I was working. I had been put on psych meds for bi-polar disorder and felt somewhat better. However, I had read up on and found out that the medication I had been on would rot my liver after a long period of time so I quit taking the meds. The PMDD symptoms, which were somewhat manageable at the time returned. Even so, I found a really good job in 1995--a job that I really enjoyed but bosses are not to keen on a person who has to be absent 3-4 days a month or who double over in pain each month and have to leave or taken to the hospital! In 1997 me and my guy started using again. After four years I was forced to resign. I felt like sh*t--another failure. On top of that the monthly roller coaster continued. After that, my boyfriend and I started dealing drugs and living a pretty wild life. However, the more my boyfriend used drugs the more paranoid, abusive and controlling he got. We fought--physically--a lot!

In 2000, I applied for disability and got it in 2001 based on my bi-polar disorder and panic disorder. I was still not diagnosed with PMDD until a couple of years after that. Finally, I managed to see a gyn doctor who told me that it sounded like I had PMDD and dietary changes were recommended to me along with certain vitamins I should take. This did little good probably because by that time my life was pretty much out of control and I was on drugs. I was told by this gyn doctor that the bi-polar disorder and the PMDD probably exascerbated each other. I was also put on several psych meds by a psychiatrist that reek havoc on the body and suffered many bad side effects and they did nothing for the PMDD. I was a drug addict and my life was a mess and my physical and mental state and emotional state was very bad so it was difficult to adhere to any medical advice! Finally, in 2002 I could not take the lifestyle I was living and the abuse. I moved out from my boyfriend. In March, 2003 he died. I fell apart. For three more years my life continued to spiral out of control and I felt worse and worse each month. I was finally court ordered into drug treatment in 2006 and finally got clean (I did have relapses but since I no longer suffer from the debilitating effects of PMDD or bi-polar disorder, drugs have never become a compulsion again). A new doctor put me I on Effexor in 2006 and it worked wonders also I was not using. Also, I was perimenopausal at the time. But I felt scared. I didn't know how to start over. I felt like my life was over. Anyway, my periods started to taper off about 2 years ago. However, 2007 was a very bad year because menopause made me sick. I suffered from muscle aches so bad to where I could hardly get out of bed. The period started coming every 3 months and each time it was on its way I got those muscle aches. Another doctor put me on percocet it was so bad. However, the PMDD finally started to subside. I did go though periods of intensive fear and paranoia where I was afraid to leave my house. I also suffered from depression, loneliness, hopelessness and fear of starting over. However, I believe that after all I'd been through this was normal and I was able to work through it.

There is a happy ending! I think I've beaten all that! I still have some fears, but at least I feel capable of working through them. I no longer spiral out of control or double over in pain every month. I feel great! As of now I haven't had a period in almost a year. I do have night sweats from the menopause and they can keep me up at night, and sometimes I use the sleep medication but its a walk on the beach compared to what I've been through. I feel so good now! No more dark clouds. No more jekyll and hyde. No more PMDD. I've also come to the conclusion that I probably was not bi-polar after all. I believe it was all PMDD because I am no longer on any medication and I feel just great! I do volunteer work and have an eye on going back to college in January. Luckily, I have no other health problems and I'm finally going to get to do the things I could not do in my younger years. I'm finally free.

I tell my story now, here on this site, so that any young woman reading this could see just how bad PMDD is and how bad it can get! PMDD is a SERIOUS hormonal/chemical/medical/emotional/psychological condition that does not go away by itself. Without proper treatment (and that may include hormones, nutritional guidance, stress management, vitamins, lifestyle changes, medication, etc.) PMDD could go on until menopause and rob a young woman of the best years her life! It's too late for me to get back those 38 years but maybe, by telling my story, I can help some young woman not go through what I went through. If anyone out there is suffering each month like I did and not know why, or if any young woman can not understand what happens to you each month--it just may be PMDD. Find an open minded and understanding doctor, preferably a woman, (I don't believe in going to male gyn doctors, they have no idea what goes on with a woman's body and mind during the menstrual cycle) who will listen to you and give you the help you need. There is hope!

Hope I've helped. Thanks for listening.

WildChild

Wow, thank you for taking time to share your story. While yours is certainly an extreme case, I'm sure there are women here who can benefit from knowing they aren't the only ones to suffer difficulties.

There are some amazing things on the horizon in treatments for all sorts of conditions. I hope this is one we will see addressed more effectively than it has been.

I wish you all the best in recovering and enjoying the years ahead. Make the most of them!

finallyfree2009

Thank you. And I hope we do see some amazing treatments in regards to PMDD. However, I would be amazed just to see woman's medical need be taken seriously. They aren't and that has to change.

CHANDLERS WISH

I would also like to say thank you..

I noted your thread to the young lady regarding her Mother and it's those types of replies that really help the members.

You certainly have been through alot and I agree, I don't think they realise the extent of anquish some people endure and there should be more research and money spent on it to find a better solution instead of 50 solutions that does eventually help "some" only.

Thanks again.

CW

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Sarah Alston

I started getting severe pms about 3 years ago and have tried everything I could and everything the doctors advised. Diet, exercise, coil fitted (bled every day for 7 months), hormone therapy, pill injection, specialists (wanted to inject through my stomach into my ovaries to kill them and send my body into early menopause - I didn't go for it), then the periods stopped for 17 months and now they are back with a vengeance. The symptoms - absolutely want my life to end, think the most awful thoughts, wish for the big C to get me, completely irrational, can't bear noise, mess, people, husband, my adored dogs, phone ringing. A pressure in my head - I feel like i am going to explode. I get completely withdrawn, I don't want to speak, I put a film on to relax - then something in it, a voice, music, just something little will drive me mad so I switch it off. And what gets me is that I don't smoke, drink, do drugs - I eat a really and I mean really healthy diet of organic produce that we grow, I haven't drank caffeine in 5 years, I go the gym 4/5 days a week, walk the dogs daily, go for long cycle rides. I have tried massage, Reiki and about to try Shiatsu. I have pleaded with my doctor/specailist to give me a hysterectomy. Someone please help me as I cannot survive and don't want to survive having just 12 weeks of feeling good in a year - it's not enough.

finallyfree2009

I know how you feel. I would look for a gyn doctor who specializes in PMDD. Also, for me, Effexor gave me some relief. However, I was into menopause when I got on it so I don't know if that has anything to do with why it helped. Another thing, don't necessarily rule out going into early menopause. If that's the only way you can have a normal life I wouldn't rule it out. I would do a lot of research and get a second opinion. I wish I had had that option when I was young, I'd have jumped on it! Good luck and God bless.