anthony82

i am the partner of a wonderful woman who i met a couple months ago. she was great for the first month and a half and did tell me that her PMS is severe at times. i didn't push the thought of the exorcist to the side, but i did not see the severity coming! i've read about pmdd and its' symptoms;she suffers from just that and refuses to get help. i don't want to force her to get help, but as her bf, how can i help myself deal w/ what she suffers from so that i don't get frustrated or blow up on her while she is in her pre state?! please get back to me asap... she decided to put our relationship on a break. i don't even know why! the slightest thing set her off the other day (i went a different way to a restaurant rather than staying on the highway). i feel it's because i am an emotional threat to her (paradox) because she does care/like me, so therfore she keeps her guard up w/me, but let's it go with everyone else! advice asap please

WildChild

I have gotten some flak for my take on this. But I'll comment anyway, others are free to disagree. I'll just throw out some thoughts on different aspects of this. She needs to get a full physical including blood and hormones. Diet and exersize are critical to all levels of health.

I have someone close to me who deals with this and has pretty much all of her adult life. It can be very difficult to be around them you never know what they may go off about. However I've known males to exhibit similar patterns, so I have some doubt as to this being a "female" problem but believe we just perceive it differently in the two genders. Is it hormone related? Probably. But then just about everything in the body is.

Here's something I've noted with many people that gives me pause and we had some discussion about it here; if they can control themselves around some people (like the boss) or in some situations (like dealing with a client in a money making situation) but lose it around family, lovers or freinds or sometimes strangers, how many times have you seen someone go totally off on a store clerk? - then they can control it. They may have internalized the belief that they can't or that it's ok to dump on some people but not on others, but they are at some level controlling it, albeit not consciously. This may have a cyclic hormone factor but looks like it has far more to do with poor stress management skills.

I know the current trend (strongly encouraged by the drug manufacturers) is to medicate for everything. I disagree with that in most cases.
The flood of chemicals and toxins we are exposed to daily probably play a role. As MCS sufferer, I aware of how some substances can act as depressant on me and no doubt do so to others - but they may not be aware of it. Adding more chemicals to the mix just doesn't sound like a good solution most of the time.

Women I've known with pmdd, who have the depression, lack of energy, aches and such don't seem to have control over that, although something that they are really excited about and looking forward to often can carry them past it (it releases the endorphines in high levels). But in the ones who really get in rages, it often seems selective, being pissy is one thing, getting down right ugly is another. Women on the whole have plenty of reason to get POd, righteously, but not to lash out. They need to find healthy outlets. A punching bag, running, primal screaming, firing off a few letters to their congressman, some constructive ways of expressing their frustrations. Displacing it on to those near and dear is a really bad pattern.

When I'm down, everything gets me. When I'm Up, almost nothing does and I think this is true of most of us. Woman are still unlearning generations of suppression and misuse - some of us have developed odd ways of coping, as have some men when they are thwarted or feel put down (think alcohol, porn, abusive behavior). Perceived/internalized powerlessness can result in some very negative responses. While it is overt, I see this as a passive aggresive behavior because the responsiblity is passed to something or someone else.

We have to own the problem before we can solve it. If it means a lifestyle and diet change, reducing exposure to toxins as much as we can, maybe a move, then we need to look at that. Everything has a cause, a reason. Nothing just happens. Modern life causes many to live with huge amounts of stress, we seem to think we should all be superpeople. Women deal with the seeming conflicts between being a "good" mother/wife/feminine person and being a "good" employee/business person. Our societies still hold a largely male based business model which works pretty well when you have an unpaid partner in the background.

All this aside. If she won't talk about it or get help to deal with it, there isn't much you can do.

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We can only learn to love by loving.

Iris Mudoch, British writer

hello_pitty

I think the best thing you can do is try to understand her and no, don't take her "mood swings" seriously (unless they've gone too far, then you really have to ask yourself...is this what I want?). I believe there is a way to cope (for her) with this, but she's got to be willing to learn. But if she doesn't want to learn then you're either just going to have to bite your tongue when it happens or walk.

But in another thread you posted that she recently had an abortion. I would think the added stress and yes, hormones have something to do with how she is feeling right now...so it's best to just wait it out and give her time to heal...be there for her, abortion is not an easy thing to deal with.

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"I might be a little young, but honey I ain't naive"
"If it ain't an APBT, it's just a dog"

Severitis

Listen, I know exactly what you are going through. A week before my period begins, I get very depressed. Everything my boyfriend does hurts my feelings. Everything he has ever said or done rehashes and I get angry or upset. He will call me and I'll break down and feel like I want to break up with him. It is miserable for both of us. I did some research for something natural and inexpensive I could do without having to get on pricey medicines. I learned that calcium (tums works great) and vitamin B6 will ease the mood swings and depression. It worked in one day. No lies. I took two tums (to equal 1000mg which is a healthy daily supplement) and 1 50mg B6 vitamin. I tried 100mg but found it was too much. I got a slight stomach ache. I think 75mg would be perfect. 200mg is too much so she will need to test which one works best for her. And that is it. It worked miracles overnight. My boyfriend commented on it immediately and was so relieved at my shift in moods. I had lots of energy and was happy. It's worth a shot for you. I read that during the onset of a womans period, tests have shown that some women become deficient of these two vitamins, which causes the severity of pms. I cannot tell you that it will cure it completely but it sure helps loads. I went through a very horrible week of stress and this mixture got me threw it without having a nervous break down. Tell your girlfriend that she is not alone in feeling this way. My poor boyfriend is put through the ringer every month. Thank goodness he loves me enough to get through the week. And now it is not a problem anymore. He still talks about what a change he has seen in me and we are both happy. Good luck.

Severitis

I just wanted to say one more thing. Your girlfriend needs to recognize what is causing her to feel this way. If it only happens the week before her period begins then she has a chemical imbalance. If she refuses to recognize this and continues to blame you for feeling this way then there is nothing you can do. I hope you can get her to want to help herself. It took me six years to realize it. Another idea is to have her keep a monthly journal of how she feels from day to day. I know people don't like doing this but it is necessary to se the pattern in mood shifts. If she wants to go to the doctor for treatment the journal would help in diagnosing her symptoms.