Husband here and i need help dealing with pmdd wife

**Horacio** · 03-16-2011 07:58 AM

I've come here because i really need some advice or help. My wife has not been officially diagnosed with PMDD but a few months ago during a heated argument with my wife it clicked with me. We have huge arguments each month but only during the few days before her period.

I started researching PMDD; she has every symptom. These once a month arguments are violent, destructive, and very harmful to our marriage. The rest of the time she is an angel. I'm really worried. Today one such argument happened. I am in Korea right now in the Army. I was not allowed to bring my wife with me at gov't expense but after saving for a few months and a lot of paperwork I obtained permission to bring my wife out here at my own expense. We have bought the ticket, found the apartment, and done everything except for flying her out here. During the argument she stated that she would refuse to come out here and should just divorce me. I almost called my Boss to cancel my permission to bring her out here.

Durring these episodes she constantly accusses me of being unfaithful; I'm the only one in my office who is loyal to their spouse. She said some extremely hurtful things, yelled at me, and became furious when i told her this was happening because her period was days away. Afterwards she calmed down and admitted that it is her upcoming period that is causing the problem. (I forgot to mention, the argument was because she would not be able to shop for apartments with me in person because it would be $1,000 more to keep her in a hotel while we looked for an apartment. Something that would not have been an issue any other time of the month.) She then explained that when she gets like that I have to remain quiet and obedient and not do anything to upset her. I disagreed with her because I feel that I should not have to be at her mercy because of this problem.

PMDD explains why she is like that but i do not believe it excuses her from her actions. After her yelling at me more because i wouldn't submit she became very depressed and started talking about suicide. This is not the first time this has happened and I do not take it lightly (my father commited suicide). The first few times she started talking about it I started to call the police, but she stopped me and started screaming at me of how i could just throw her away like that, when all i was trying to do was ensure her safety. So my question is, what should I do during these cases, after, and in the long run. She refuses to see a therapist, no matter how much i try convincing her of how much it's helped me in the past. I just want to make sure that this doesn't damage our marriage beyond repair.

Please tell me honest opinions, and let me know what I'm doing wrong and what i can do to fix it

**pretzel** · 03-16-2011 08:42 AM

First off, PMDD should not be an excuse for her actions, but that's not to discount the effects that it can have. Hopefully many of the ladies here (btw, I'm a guy also) who have experienced this will chime in. If I can offer one suggestion though, I'd suggest she visit her Ob/Gyn instead of a therapist. PMDD is (imo) more of a physical issue than a mental/emotional one.

**WildChild** · 03-16-2011 09:57 AM

Pretzel is right, this is more a physical than emotional root although the two walk hand and hand. There are things she can do to get this under control and even resolved. She needs a full hormone check and to balance them. Diet can make a big difference.

Her reasoning that you should just shut up, walk on egg shells and let her rip is not rational or acceptable. This is harder to deal with when you are on different continents but try to talk with her about it when she is calm and rational and won't be so defensive. Has she always been this way?

**Horacio** · 03-16-2011 02:15 PM

Thank you for the advice, and yes she has always been this way. The difference is that before when we dated and go to an argument I could just say "I'll talk to you later" and I wouldn't talk with her until she calmed down.

You mentioned diet, I don't understand how that could affect her emotions, but over the last few months she has gained a lot of weight. She complains about it every day and expects to loose it by going to the gym. But she won't change her diet, or her eating habits, she is not just eating unhealthy foods, but eating for boredom or stress as well. When we first started dating she was a size 3 and these episodes wouldn't happen, now she is a 13 pushing 15 (no kids) Is that normal?

**WildChild** · 03-16-2011 03:18 PM

Foods are chemicals and do affect our hormone levels which in turn effect our mood, weight, sleep patterns and just about everything else.

**markl67** · 03-29-2011 09:10 AM

My friend, I feel your pain. I have been on the "rollercoaster" for 10 ten years. I try to separate her from the PMDD and refer to it as "it" during discussions/arguments. My wife also refuses to see anyone or take medication and I believe the reason is because she doesnt fully understand how much PMDD affects her. I literally live with 2 different people. As I type this she is again, for the millionth time, thinking about divorce for no good reason. I have tried to reason with her, sometimes it works, other times it doesnt. I have become an emotional basketcase myself and I'm not sure how much more I can take. Its sad because I REALLY love her.

**lbaker** · 04-05-2011 07:10 AM

PMDD is fairly easily treated, and she can just go to a regular doc or obgyn for that. The thing in your post that concerns me the most is the threat of suicide. This suggests a much more serious imbalance. I understand she doesn't want to go to a therapist, but is she opposed to medication to help with any depression she must be feeling? Regular MDs often prescribe anti-depressants, and might be a viable option for your wife.

In fact, I suffered from pretty serious depression that also caused irrational bouts of paranoia about my husband's faithfulness. I didn't think of PMDD, because at the time I hadn't heard of it. I go to my family doctor and have found anti-depressants that helped me. I've had to change medications a lot before finding ones that work consistently for me, but now that I have, I'm completely rational...

No one would ever say that you should just lie down and take what she throws when she's like that... but it isn't the most idea time to bring up her faults. Yes, fight the issues, but it will never bode well with any woman if you accuse her of being on her period, even if it's true. Wait until she's not acting... insane, for lack of a better word... and talk to her calmly and rationally about your love and concern for her, and do your best not to let it turn into a fight. You've got to make it clear that you are not accusing her of being a bad person or wife or anything, but that you want her to be happy and the way she's feeling isn't normal. Try to be patient and help guide her to help that she will accept. Make sure she knows you two are a team, and you're working together... at least, that's what my husband and I have found to work well when I was going through some psychotic episodes and he was frustrated beyond belief.

**Pmddmommy** · 05-26-2011 08:14 PM

I know men hate the thought of being "controlled" or made to walk on egg shells but with pmdd this is hardly the case. I know because I suffer from it and I hear the things my husband says to me when I'm suffering from what I like to call the "moon phase" because it really is a lot like living through the dark side of the moon when you are suffering from this terrible thing. This isn't to be taken lightly and it's very important to try and understand your wife and what she's going through. A husband that knows how to handle his wife with pmdd will not only learn the art of providing his wife with solidity, when she's walking on shaky ground, he will learn exactly how to survive himself. A woman with PMDD does not choose this and is certainly not used as an excuse to act any way she pleases. PMDD is a serious thing to go through and not only will she need a low dose of prozac but she will need you more than the meds. It's very important to listen to the echo of her words and not the actual words. She's confused, very tangled in her emotions and very tense. So she's accusing you of being unfaithful? Either there's some reason she doesn't trust you or it's the PMDD, only you can answer this question. If you're innocent, look her in the face and tell her you love and desire her and ensure her that she isn't her loving self. Tell her you are sorry she's feeling so crabby and down on herself. Clean the kitchen the way my husband did today and rub her back and give her the time she needs to recover. Tell your wife, you will do whatever it takes to make her feel better and actually put forth the effort to do it. If she's giving you the cold shoulder and trying to sleep in a different room ask her to come back to the room you share together AT LEAST THREE TIMES. She's feeling unwanted and very confused. Go the mile to ask her to come back to bed and if she still refuses get your lazy arrogant butt up with your pillow and go lay down with your wife. Tell her you are there because you miss feeling her beside you in the bed you share and if nothing else you can just lay beside her!!! She's full of tension so try and rub her back or make her some tea or give her a Tylenol pm. Whatever you do, don't let her verbally abuse you but don't quit!!!! She needs you more than ever!

**Breezyplus3** · 07-09-2011 12:11 PM

I am a wife that suffers with severe pmdd... which means my husband and my 3 children do to. I cannot explain the emotional turmoil and unresonable thinking and the most important thing.... everything I say, my husband realizes it is not me saying it. When pmdd occurrs I am honestly not ME. When I come out of pmdd after my period, I feel like I have been in a fog and I really don't know how long it's been since I finally feel alive, like myself, like a part of my family. I have a perfect marriage (other than this). My advice is you have to understand this pmdd woman experiencing pmdd is not your wife. She is under no control of herself. It's more than just holding her responsible for her actions. I am suicidal monthly (if I didn't have kids I honestly wouldn't survive the pmdd battle). My husband at times has to come home from work to ensure my safety. Xanax during pmdd has helped emmensly. Please do not blame you wife this is a disease that we feel aLOT of guilt for when we come out of it. If i could change it I would in a heartbeat. Don't let her words hurt you. Tell her you love her and will always be faithful and just don't fight back. Does she have family that she can speak with or spend time with her during these times? If you have any more questions please feel free to email me. I have been suffering with this for over 10 years