In distress! (shy me) :(

**damselindistress** · 09-04-2008 09:35 AM

Hi I am 22. And new here.

Just to put it short, I am just back from a friend's place as she visited mine to see the decorations I had done and then we went over to her. There were lot many people out there in her house, her parent whom I know very well. His brother whom earlier I was very shy to talk to but not now. And there were loads of other people, his friends, to some of them I was introduced to and talked too.

Well to be frank my heart beats were running faster and all I had at the back of my mind was to get out of there as fast as possible. I fell I just can't communicate well with people

( Although everyone was so good to me, and I was even praised (and father of her who is well known for mockery of people, too explicitly came and talked to me and his approach is so much changed after I grabbed a very good job and now doing project at a top university (having gone through a phase of failure short time ago though) and her mother too made it a point to make me sit, introduce to people and look after I eat before I go)

But at the moment I am feeling really down. It happens all the time. I just too faraway from people in every way. Afraid of new introductions very much. And that too with guys, a lot.
I have my own circle of friends guys and girls both - girls more though - because of studying in all girls college which I got by chance. But maybe because of that I just feel afraid of these conversations and just feel like getting over with them quickly.

I try to participate in social events of college like working for technical fest, group dance, hang out with close friends for movie or over coffee, outings.

But I just dont feel like I am a conversationalist at all! I have found that my field is going to require me to be at least good at communication. I literally run away from people. After a busy day out I just fell like keeping to my self shut in my room. Away from everyone, and then only I feel comfortable. I can start feeling discomfort any moment, with acquaintances too lot many times, with strangers too if I have to interact with them, like someone at a coffeeshop or some shopowner or virtually just anyone.

I end up fumbling too with friends sometimes and I start feeling like I am out of my mind. I have realised that I shouldnt be mum all the time but such things force me too.

Sometimes I do strike up good conversations, but might just break up in between or would have nothing significant to say after some time. And to be true, with friends or family too I am not being very good at talking the daily things either. Sometimes I just feel something and still have to talk, like complimenting someone about their dress or just how wonderful their food was, or greeting or saying bye to parents of my friends after I leave or to talk to their siblings for a while at least, to acknowledge them; which my friends can do easily.

I just dont feel like I connect with people at all. expecting your replies and help, to be frank I am feeling like I am beyond help.

**maz33** · 09-04-2008 10:27 AM

I'm sorry you're feeling this way damsel. I'm afraid I don't have any advice but I can tell you you're not the only one who feels that way.

This may surprise some people but I too have times when I find it quite difficult to converse and really have to push myself which is strange because I love talking to people. I get easily intimidated at times, feeling out of my depth in certain conversations and with certain people. I have lots of friends luckily, but even with them and family I can feel really uncomfortable, kind of detached. I put it down to a simple lack of confidence in myself after many years of having my self esteem picked away at by family and ex boyfriends.

Strangely, people seem to think I'm quite confident but inside I'm a nervous wreck!

So I don't know, maybe an expert would advise you to start doing more to build up your self-confidence, do stuff you can feel proud of yourself for, start telling yourself that you are someone worth speaking to, that you're not boring or unknowledgeable etc.

Sorry I couldn't offer any more help but I know there are some very wise people on this forum who will have lots of advice

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-04-2008 03:21 PM

damselindestress

Firstly, welcome to the Forum.

Shyness is in alot of people, even those that are very outgoing deep down, have shy like qualities.

When you meet a boy, and you start to go out with him, and you put your head down because your shy, knowing he was just going to kiss you, he will find endearing.

So the first thing you need to understand is that it is OK, to be shy, it's part of your makeup.

and I was even praised (and father of her who is well known for mockery of people, too explicitly came and talked to me and his approach is so much changed after I grabbed a very good job and now doing project at a top university (having gone through a phase of failure short time ago though)

What her father did, was note something of substance that you had achieved and he expressed that to you.. He as a father was proud of your achievements, and stated so, rightly so, well done.

And, i suspect that as you have made a point of mentioning this, that you felt proud as well of those achievements and consequently his compliments.. Right?

So, shyness also can be not enough confidence in yourself, learn to like yourself and know all the good things that you are and the things that you achieve and are, achieving.

If you sit down, and write down all the things you have achieved, from what you call "failures" and see them as achievements, and don't see anything previous, as failure rather learning to do it better, learning to be better, which is what you did.

Did you know that people fail all the time starting a business? The real failure is the one that does not attempt the second one, or the third one, where he/she then gets it right.

See what I am saying?

So see everything you have done before and not quite achieved and then continued to try to better that and then achieved as a confident woman who has in-deed achieved.

What more can you achieve? That also will give you confidence, the knowing that you have actually achieved.

Conversations... What you are frightened of is what are they going to ask? What am I going to talk about?

So, the usual, what do you do, where do you live, do you have brothers and sisters, how's Uni, know the questions before hand, ready for the answers.

If you are asked a question you don't really want to answer, laugh it away "all good" and open your own question..

How do you do that?

Write down what you are good at and what you love to do, and open your conversations with those, things that you know.

If you talk about things that you know, even travel, have you ever been to....... where ever it is that you have been, means that you can hold that conversation with that person because you know what your talking about.

Observe people in conversations, every time you get a chance and listen to them.

You will be fine, be patient.

CW

**N01** · 09-04-2008 04:14 PM

you are not the only one by any means, guys feel that way too. some us are better in large groups than others and some prefer smaller settings. it's just part fo who you are and there is nothing wrong with it.

there is a thing called the MBTI (wont spell it out) that kinda tests for individual preferences and can give you a thumbnail of what works for you.

Google, Personality test based on Jung.
.................................................. ........

I am usually an ISTJ or ISTP when I take the test, and yes it will vary depending on what is going on in your life at the moment. I'm 46 and kinda in the same place as you are right now with some stuff at work, so I know aht you are going through. I can say pretty certainly though that you are normal and that you will be fine!

**damselindistress** · 09-05-2008 03:33 AM

Thanks a lot for your replies guys..
I read and reread them.

I am just totally tired at the moment. I will reply soon.

Thanks

**anonymouswhitefemale** · 09-05-2008 06:04 AM

There will always be things you don't feel confident in doing, and the only real reason for that is a lack of prior experience. Make an effort to take a step or two outside your comfort zone, force yourself into situations that you are scared of, and in time you will overcome most of your worries.

If you don't feel like you have anything to say? Don't say anything. Just look confident in yourself as a person and remain silent. People assume that you're deep and meaningful when you don't say anything.

Also, just be glad that you're a woman, since if you were a man you would get ZERO interest from the ladies, however you will still get men hitting on you all the time most likely.

**silvertae** · 09-05-2008 09:00 AM

I have similar issues to you and maz. It often leads to people thinking I'm a big b*tch because I can be socially awkward or cold and standoffish. I just moved out of an apartment because my roommates didn't like me since I never really spoke to them and kept to myself almost entirely.

My dominant emotion is fear. It's sometimes crippling. Sometimes not. I'm fairly certain some sort of therapy and/or anxiety medication might help but I just don't have the means for those things right now. Hopefully soon.

I have no real advice. But I understand.

**damselindistress** · 09-14-2008 07:48 AM

Thanks a lot everyone there

And sorry for the delay there.

I guess I was too panicked. And first thing I did was post here. Not that it was wrong, But yeah I panicked.

anonymouswhitefemale, Thanks for advice there, Yeah I guess I agree with you on most points. It's just that we at some occasions just refuse to budge and want to stay in the warm cocoon of our own, but yeah, I am making some efforts to get out of it. Yes, it is not downright humiliating for a female even if she looks shy or introvert.

No1, Thanks for your support there. But, those kind of tests I have tried earlier for fun, But I don't think I believe in them much, never worked for me same way everytime. Not my mettle.

CHANDLERS WISH, thanks for the welcome too.

And, i suspect that as you have made a point of mentioning this, that you felt proud as well of those achievements and consequently his compliments.. Right?

Yes, I am feeling good about the achievements and more so amazed by the way people complimenting me when least expected. (I think I taking compliments is an art too, which I really need to learn then

)

Now coming to conversations.... last week I happened to meet a whole lot of people by chance, made new acquaintances and friends. Felt all good. Met a guy I like, again, for a movie and brunch, over the weekend along with other friends, and we had good time.

(yeah during all this I did think of this post and replies in the corner of my mind) So in all met and talked to many people, I wasn't amazing or something but had nice talk.

I guess earlier I used to be shy and patient and now I am not really

that's why me being silent nudges me more. I got all your points, and I pondered. See, starting conversation initially isn't very impossible, you talk about things, know about the people at other end, etc. But after sometime it's a cliche. What I mean is talking about daily chores and such stuff is not all people talk about, but still there are some people who talk, make humor, and they can just talk with anybody, literally anybody they come across! They easily CONNECT with people! Why cant I? We just become choosy about what to talk, whom to talk, how much to talk, and even if we talk, we don't really seem to connect to them.. i was just wondering that.

Umm finally, yes, I think I need to more confident. That will solve most of problem. But sometimes we just get conscious, about our appearance, about that day's clothes or something, or may be the other person's appearance. And oh, yes, I sometimes get lost in thinking something And might not just talk. This happens with people we meet daily. And the person opposite might find it awkward or rude, isn't it? Although people think I am good listener and a trustworthy person but why I ain't the one who makes them feel much comfortable being around me by being open to them, even though I may think I am being open, they may not think so because I talk less.

And finally, maz and silvertae, welcome to the bandwagon
But I am sure we can talk this out more, maybe we never talked about it, may be we can share it and try getting over it, things might just get better you know.

**miffed23** · 10-18-2008 01:16 PM

Im with Anon; take some steps outside of your comfort zone.

I offer this advice to anyone with a shortness in confidence; take up a hobby, it could be absolutely anything - i used to be shy, on a different level to you (i used to put talcum powder on my face, because i used to go red all the time!!!

) - so i took up horse riding - the power that i had, the ability to control a horse, my success - made my confidence flourish.

It sounds strange, but it did work. Maybe you could take up something that you enjoy? I hope that this might help somewhat, if it doesnt, just remember that you are still young...youve plenty of time to grow... and, on another note, if i were a man... i would definitely seek out a shy woman for the mystery factor!

Good luck sweetie.

**WildChild** · 10-25-2008 11:24 PM

There are tons of books on this, one I really like is an oldie by Barbara Walters, How To Talk With Practically Anybody About Practically Anything. One of the best things to keep in mind is that most people's favorite topic is themselves, so ask questions to get them talking. The trick of course is to ask questions that can't be answered yes or no. Once you get them started you can ask additional questions based on what they've said, pretty much - tell me more? How did that work out? You can walk away from those of situations with them feeling pretty positive about you and you've said very little but will have learned quite a bit about them. If someone else walks up you can include them by saying, 'She's been telling me about doing X, have you tried that? A question that will draw them in.

You don't have to dazzle everyone in the room, just ask sincere interested questions.

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