I spent 12 hours in the ER last night because of having chest pain. I went by ambulance and my boyfriend didn't go with me because he was mad and tired. Talk about being miserable.

My boyfriend says that we drag each other down and enable each other to not change our life situations. That he enables me to sit at home and not get a job and I enable him to goof off with his studies. That his sister doesn't come around anymore because she's mad at him for not breaking up with me and sending me packing. I always thought we were there for each other and that despite the problems there was some positive. Guess, that doesn't matter right now.

He's at the university working on assignments while I sit here and relax. I dread when he comes back because then the tension in the air will be readily apparent or he will be morose.

I'm going to see a counselor, but will that be enough? He sees a counselor at the university. I don't want to be dragging him because I love him so much. My self esteem is not very good and neither is his.

I feel like everything is coming crashing down on my head and there's nothing I can do except take the onslaught. Even when I think I'm doing some good for someone, it ends up being that I am being a burden. I don't have my son with me because of lack of a job. I feel like I'm no good to anyone. I get so tired of health problems, stress, pain. What's the point of it? It's so hard to hear the truth. I don't know what to do besides go to counseling. I wish I just didn't exist at all. His life would be better without me.

How would your sons life be without you? Your parents ? He may be this really great guy...and he may not....you have alot more things than just him to think about. Life is full of ups and down and we may not get what we want in life but we usually get what we need. Relationships are tough even the best of them go thru a lil troubled watter.

There are two ways you can look at this...One you can sit around crying in your beer(so to speak) feeling sorry for yourself..... Two you can sit up look around and see what you can do to make your life happier and better...Before you can make anyone else happy you need to make yourself happy, figure out your needs and wants... Its never easy but the first step is usually the hardest and NEVER GIVE UP on yourself...

I know you have what it takes inside to do this....anything worth having requires effort and persistance (be focused)

Life has knocked me down many times..I may lay there catch my breath ...but I always get up ...may have a tooth or two missing and a another scar but im a smarter and have a better understanding of life

Few more years I can get false teeth..Then I can take em out first

You're right Lakerat. I do need to not give up but it's easier said than done. My son would be upset without me. I wish that I could be more a part of his life. I need to make that happen somehow.

Take some time and look at your life where you wanna be ..and what you need to do to be there

just a suggestion here.(stole from cw) post everything on one thread then you can kind of update when you feel the need to talk...and as time goes by you can reread your posts and see if you get a lil understanding from them.

LUCK

That would be a good idea because I have too many different threads about the same thing. I've never really thought about where I want to be.

Lakerat's advise was excellent and true, so true DarknessEmbraced ( even the false teeth part) .... you have to also learn to smile and laugh, if you don't then you will remain in this state of " i don't know where I want to be"...

And,yes, please start writing under this thread, or I will have to start merging them as they are of the same topic and we can help more by sticking to the one thread.

I think you are focusing more on him " the man" than you are you, then woman, your child any dreams you may have which you don't know yet..

Councelling is great.

How about you just start to think about you first for once, because you need to find you before you can give to anyone else....

You say you don't work, can you do any volunteer work? An Animal Shelter? Something that can get you out of " relaxing" at home daily and "being", finding, to create thoughts and ideas for you.


CW

I do take time for myself. In fact I spend all day taking time for me while he's at university. When he's home I like to focus on him. I've always had a yearning to travel and would love to do that in the future. I'd like to have a nice home and not have to worry about money. I know my strengths and my weaknesses. I just need to learn to believe in myself more. I wish I could volunteer at an animal shelter but the only one is too far away to walk or take the bus. Volunteering is good but I'd also would like to have some money coming in.

Tomorrow, I am going to meet a young woman who posted on an online classfieds site. She's looking for someone to hang out with and said it's hard to make friends in this city. We're meeting in a public place tomorrow afternoon for coffee. Also, I am going to be part of a writer's workshop where I can meet with others who write. We can share our work together. I think it would be a lot of fun.

Thanks for the suggestions CW.

31/11/2008


And?

CW