Originally Posted by nowherebuthere

I'm don't think I'm suicidal, but I don't really know why I live anymore. All my life I was a good student and a great daughter. My marks were always exceptional and I always stayed out of trouble. I was happy and carefree. I remember the summer before university when I thought life would become easier... I went away to one of the top universities 3 hours away from home (against my parent's wishes). The first year was quite difficult for me because I had never lived on my own before. I found myself coming home quite often because I missed my home.

Second year was different. I was living off campus and found that I was slowly losing interest.

I missed home but I couldn't tell my parents.

I felt alone, uninspired, and disappointed in myself. I had friends but most of them were from high school.

I found it really difficult to put myself out there to meet new people. My marks started to drop and eventually I was forced to withdraw out of university.

I remember the day I received my letter.

I started shaking immediately and broke down into tears after locking myself in my room. I drank every last bit of alcohol in the house and tried to make the pain go away. That day was the beginning of a whole new story. My parents reacted quite well, they talked to me but never actually got to the roots of it.

Today, after all that has happened I find that I hate myself. No, actually I've known this for a very long time now. I found an old journal of mine from last year and every single entry led to one thing... I hate myself.

My parents think I'm a monster along with the rest of the family. I am no longer the role model. The only thing I look forward to is going back to school next year, but even that doesn't make it easy for me to get out of bed each day. I really truly hate myself and feel like I'm alone.

My family doesn't understand me and don't know how often i lock myself in my room to cry. I don't blame them, I really don't make it easy. Over the summer I also got a ticket in which I had to go to court to deal with.


My mom found the ticket today and yelled at me in front of everyone. I hear them saying "What has become of you, you have changed, its so shameful." All I want to do is to try and move on and be happy again, but everytime I try...something will turn up and I get dragged under again. I am really not seeking pity or making excuses for what I did. I take full on responsibilities. I just don't know where to turn anymore or why I wake up in the morning.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.