Thread: Looking for a reason (long post sorry)

Firstly, welcome to the Forum, please don't feel it's a long post, we are here for you to share, what you feel..

Originally Posted by nowherebuthere

I'm don't think I'm suicidal, but I don't really know why I live anymore. All my life I was a good student and a great daughter. My marks were always exceptional and I always stayed out of trouble. I was happy and carefree. I remember the summer before university when I thought life would become easier... I went away to one of the top universities 3 hours away from home (against my parent's wishes). The first year was quite difficult for me because I had never lived on my own before. I found myself coming home quite often because I missed my home.

Second year was different. I was living off campus and found that I was slowly losing interest.

I missed home but I couldn't tell my parents.

I felt alone, uninspired, and disappointed in myself. I had friends but most of them were from high school.

I found it really difficult to put myself out there to meet new people. My marks started to drop and eventually I was forced to withdraw out of university.

I remember the day I received my letter.

I started shaking immediately and broke down into tears after locking myself in my room. I drank every last bit of alcohol in the house and tried to make the pain go away. That day was the beginning of a whole new story. My parents reacted quite well, they talked to me but never actually got to the roots of it.

Today, after all that has happened I find that I hate myself. No, actually I've known this for a very long time now. I found an old journal of mine from last year and every single entry led to one thing... I hate myself.

My parents think I'm a monster along with the rest of the family. I am no longer the role model. The only thing I look forward to is going back to school next year, but even that doesn't make it easy for me to get out of bed each day. I really truly hate myself and feel like I'm alone.

My family doesn't understand me and don't know how often i lock myself in my room to cry. I don't blame them, I really don't make it easy. Over the summer I also got a ticket in which I had to go to court to deal with.


My mom found the ticket today and yelled at me in front of everyone. I hear them saying "What has become of you, you have changed, its so shameful." All I want to do is to try and move on and be happy again, but everytime I try...something will turn up and I get dragged under again. I am really not seeking pity or making excuses for what I did. I take full on responsibilities. I just don't know where to turn anymore or why I wake up in the morning.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

It's very hard in-deed to move away from "what you know", your family.

That, of which makes you feel inadequate, something is wrong, it's you.

That is not the CASE... Understand the word LOVE... Do you have animals? A favourite, old doll, when you were very young? What do you love? Writing? Painting? Creating?

You know when you get lost, you are LOST...

Nothing seems worth it, all kind of rubbish, boring, horrid, life.... ahhh..

WRONG.... Unfortunatey, you feel down and that's ok.

But , love is great hey, you would have said, yes I have a dog, or a cat, both, or other things, or you would want them......

People are silly, they say silly things...

You need to smile and say well, that's your "OPINION" because that's all it is, not whom you are or what you are, so STOP thinking that you must be, cause you know your not.

Go see a councellor, find a way through benefits, keep talking here and share.

People will read,

CW