Thread: Am i normal?

Well let me see what i can say here i dont mind if ya'll ask me anything u would like im honest and open i dont lie theres no point and i dont get bothered by answering questions on here as even though ya'll are strangers im not ashamed or ne thing here is a place were we can be ourselves and not be judged we are here to help one another out i like to help others as i stated im sensative i know that i feel for others want to help them listen and talk with them be there for them ive been through it all so i feel i can share with them that they are not alone in there experiences its easier to say i know what u feel cuz i have actualy dont that or been there .. ect

and its true how u said all my life ive lived were i had nobody to talk to in my broken family it was keep quiet do as ur told dont get emotinal. so i had nobody let me start in the very begining.

my mother being young was raped by her step dad and that produced my oldest (half) brother then she got to gether with my father and had after 6 years had a nother child my older brother so it goes after almost 6 years later had me it was not planned nor wanted and my mom was sick when she had me and had complications in childbirth had to spend extra time at the hospital my moms mom watched my brother and my cousins watched my older half brother i was a new born and my father gave me to my neighbors to take care of me as they had 2 older kids and she was pregnent again . i feel sometimes that is one reason he hates me maybe he felt like it was my fault she was in the hospital or something she said it was not that bad and she was not at risk of dying or anything.
but after she got out they wanted to try to be a family so they got me and brothers back and moved across from those neighbors.
now my mother after i was older 4 i do belive started working nights father u will understand that he was a drinker and he and his buddys drank and gambled and rode there motercycles around and had partys at my house every night
once i can remember i was 5 and mother was at work brothers at school i was all alone with father and he burnt my little finger with his cigarret and then laughed when i cried he told everyone it was an accident but was it realy i'l never know for sure.

then when i was 7 the neighbor's middle child of 17 at the time started molesting me it was not wanted i had no idea what he wanted to do with me i was scared and all alone i cried at night cuz i new he would be there waiting for me it was my fault as i never told anyone never asked them to make him go away or to stop and he never threatened me never to tell but i was powerless i felt so ashamed and fearfull i had heard on the school bus the older kids talking about how they would cut themselves with razors and one night i had just to see what it was like and to escape the thoughts of what he had done that day , it was also when my fathers friends found it 'cute to let me drink beer and as i said my mother worked nights so she was not there to say hey dont let a 7 year old drink. and for about 6 months he tortured me till one day my father happend to find us to gether he being half naked of course. he freaked out ran over and started yelling told the guy to go home then chased me down i was so afraid that he would do the same things to me and he grabed me and forced me up stairs to my room yelling at me how could i and i new beter and what was i thinking and swering things i did not understand and through me on the bed smaked me around for a second then graped me up i and we went out he marched me over to there house he was yelling tell me i was goin to go and tell them we no longer was going to see one another we got there no body new what was going on i was crying and he wanted me to tell everyone (his family) what we had been doing .. i did not know what to do but i did not want to describe what had gone on after a while of waiting he got fed up and hauled me back and back to my bed i was glad he left me did not beat me no more but he did not let my mom talk to me about it told her he had handled it and the next day everyone acted like nothing happend i was left to deal with all that had gone in my self
ive talked to a lot of women or girls that have had that happen to them so i know im not alone, i know also its not like he had said its not my fault i was 7 and powerless.
i heard on tv once they did a study that ppl who are molested ether become molesters and try to hurt others or they become molester haters. i dont want to hurt others as i have been hurt im to sensative for that i want ppl to be happy in ther lives. i would not want to trade my past put all that had gone on and put it on someone els what if those other ppl could not have handled it as well (if u can call it well) as i did ..
now i have had a cousin who hanged himself ( and did not leave a note so nobody no's why) and things like that so im not limited in my experience of losses.

*note, i have gotten help secretly as my family did not know about my abuse, with the help of my b/f that i have now i have stoped drinking, smoking, drugs, and even though i still think of doing it sometimes i dont cut anymore.
but still cant handle the depresion somedays or the thoughts of death.
no im not crazy like my cousin whos' schitzophrenic i dont hear voices in my head..ect

to answer ur question i dont have anyone other than my b/f to talk to i tried to start opening up to my sister-in-law and it back fired so we are just friends but not the type were i can talk to her, i had a new friend move in 2 years ago and i started talking with her openly but she and her husband got a divorce and she moved back so i dont talk with her ne more. my b/f does love me for me and we plan on getting married and moving to a nother state to get away from my family and be closer to his . we were friends and he was there helping me through everything including the ugly stuff like drug rehab or wen i was in the hospital for falling or getting surgery for my migrains and cancer checks....ect
he is a honest open sensative christian man who i love

i know there are a lot of things i need to do to be happy and it will take a life time to 'heal, im just not sure were to start other than start by talking on here

you say im smart im not book smart i hardly went to school but i did graduate and someday would like to try college. i see the world differently as im sensative
i dont want the world and everything in it i dont want to be rich or famouse i dont want to be a burden i would like to just be happy have a family help others animals included when i see the situation i veiw it differntly , one thing my b/f said he loves about me is that fact that im "uniqe , in how i think about things and tells me im smarter than i give myself credit for and ive been told by a few other ppl (online) that even though im only 24 im more (mature) than most adults in how i handle myself , i dont ask for things nor want pidy or a hand out
one lady after explaining my Godly experiences said i was "wize beyond years i have no idea what that means but im sure its a good thing.
i wont go out of my way to 'get u back or hurt u on purpose or make fun or judge
(aslo as i told b/f in the begining of our relationship (3) years ago that i was not like other girls i dont ask for much i dont tease or make altumatums i dont get jelous and im very understanding and want an open (lets talk about anything even if its hurtfull or embarresting and if ive hurt u or your feelings TALK it out as im not doing it on purpose and ive probaly dont realizie i have done so)
and i told him i loved him so much that i want him to be happy even if that means its not with me. (and yes my b/f is such the guy who even cryes in front of u if nessasary he's not ashamed or does not hid when we pray before going on a plane ride)..ect

i can keep rambling on im not sure if anyone is listening but as i was told its best to talk about things than keep them inside gee now you tell me not to keep it all inside that is how i was raised not to be seen or heard..

ttyl
Gabby