Aiyana

hi-

i don't normally talk about mental problems and i'm not very well versed on it. but i'm concerned, and unsure of what step i should take next.

my family has what i think is a history of mental problems; none of which were ever diagnosed that i know of, although i do have one relative who is on medication for depression. i can only describe the rest as varying from as minor as irrationality to what i perceive as certifiably insane (although i'm sure there's a better technical term for it).

my own issues are something i've become aware of gradually. i never had a feeling of "normalcy" and i never saw it as an actual problem until recently, but now suddenly i find myself with it being almost debilitating. i'm finding every day life difficult.

there is probably some background info that might be a contributing factor, so i'll explain that first: i've never met my father, and while i don't give much credability to blaming your problems on others, for all i know i might have some deep-seeded abandonment issues that i'm unaware of. i was also sexually abused by a family member between the ages of approximately 5-9. it was someone not much older than me and because i don't think about it much, i wouldn't even know how to categorize it. i call it abuse, but it was never forced, it was more coerced, if that makes any sense. anyway, it was a long time ago but i'm sure there's some issues there.

i've had what i'll describe as social issues all my life. i've never really 'fit in', despite placing myself in numerous activities that would lead people to believe that i did. i played sports and was in a band, i got average grades in school and went on to college. i was extremely sensitive to your average juvenile teasing, and spent many nights in my early teens crying myself to sleep because someone called me fat (i didn't really have weight issues until my late teens) or didn't like my hair, etc. i was still however somewhat socially active, i dated and had a few close friends.

i've been something of a compulsive liar my entire life. i don't understand why i do it and i almost always regret it as soon as it's done, but i've never found a way to really articulately explain why i just said something that was completely untrue for no apparent reason.

this has probably led to a breakdown in most of my close relationships. my relationship with my mother is very strained, primarily due to the lying and also money issues. i'm horrible with money, that's another central source of stress in my life and the few people left around me. to make a long story short, we still talk but she doesn't trust me, and with good reason.

i literally failed out of college after my first year, due to a complete lack of control on my part. i was in no way mentally prepared for it. i spent most of my time at frat parties and slept around alot (i'd been completely celibate until then since my childhood), and had little to no interest in my actual work. after coming home, i had an extremely dependent relationship with someone that ended badly. from then on my weight spiralled out of control, and within a year i went from a healthy 130 lbs to over 200, which has only increased over the following years (i just turned 30 3 months ago) until my current 260 lbs.

which brings me to my current problem, and i don't really know where i go from here. i have what i guess you could describe as mini-panic attacks on a regular basis. i rarely leave my house for anything other than work. i spend most of my time online playing video games and interacting with people that way, but even those "relationships" are starting to show signs of the same old, same old. it's almost like i have no control over my actions. i see myself acting irrationally, and i want to shake myself and tell me to stop, but the words just come out of my mouth and i'm like some raving lunatic completely overcome with nastiness. everything people say to me is perceived as an insult, i have this irrational idea that everyone is being unfair to me, and while there's some rational part of my brain telling me i'm just being narcissistic and overreacting, my physical reaction to it is becoming more and more extreme. my heart races, i can feel myself losing control of my anger and i lash out at people verbally. i'm extremely paranoid, all of the time. it's even beginning to manifest itself at work, which is my biggest fear.

i can no longer just write it off as having a bad day or PMS. it's completely taking control over my life, and the terrifying part is i have no idea what it is, or how i can fix it. i don't know if it's some kind of chemical imbalance that runs in my family, or if it's just some personality defect on my part. if anyone has some idea of what i'm dealing with, please, i welcome any information you can give. while i know the easiest answer is to seek professional help, like i said i'm not good with money and so finding one in the phone book and getting to their office every week is a problem, so any online or free resources would be extremely helpful.

thanks for listening, it felt good even just to get some of that out, even if it was beind the anonymity of the internet.

Little

You're not going to get any help if you don't go to a professional. You've just listed a loooooooong history of self-destruction and you're only destroying yourself more by not seeing a counselor of some kind.
You've stated it's out of your power to shoot down the thoughts and avoid the behavior, so turn yourself in to someone who can help you. Your mother, a sibling, anybody. You need help or else you will stay exactly where you are.

Aiyana

if you can suggest any actual resources, it would be appreciated.

Little

Do a google search of "psychiatrists in (your city), (your state)" and you'll be amazed at what you come up with. If you were enrolled in college, then I'd refer you to their (probably free) counselors on-campus.
You have acknowledged your irrationalities but are unable to overcome them. There's probably not much anyone can say to you that you haven't said to yourself. And you certainly can't self-medicate. Perhaps if you phone a psychiatrist's office and explain your financial situation, you can agree on an every-other-week basis or some other plan.

WildChild

Little has given you excellent advice. Seeing and naming what you are doing is a good first step. You didn't get where you are overnight and you won't get past it that fast either. You don't have to go with the first counselor you speak with, you need to decide what your goals are. If you want to muck around in the past, examining all of it and agonizing over it, you can find plenty to help you do that and at $125 an hour they'll let you do it for years.
If you want to leave all that behind and focus on developing new healthy habits and creating a positive life, you will need to look a little harder and ask some questions and find a counselor who will push you and get you moving and help you keep moving.

There are things you can start doing today. Take a walk every day, no excuses, every day. Start with 10 or 15 mins and build up. You can start with a stroll and work to increase your speed. This is good for your body and your mind. Start a jounal, write every day, what ever comes to mind, you can clean out a lot of garbage by writing. Decide what you want. Don't know? Try this - make a list of everything you don't want, then make a list of the opposites - that's the start of what you want - the opposite of what you don't want. Start doing some reading - you need to change your thinking, some good books: The Richest Man in Babylon, Think and Grow Rich, How To Win Freinds and Influence People, In the Meantime, What to Say When You Talk to Yourself, The Heroine's Journey, Man's Search For Meaning, there are hundreds. Turn off the TV and all it's hyped negativity and start reading positive.

Smile at 20 people a day - just a smile. Say hi to at least 10, a smile and a hello. You don't have to do or say anything more. If someone compliments you, say "thank you", Nothing Else. Count to 10 before you speak, this gives you time to breath, ask yourself why you are saying it? This will make it harder to lie.

It's up to you, you can change if you decide to. Getting some professional help will make it a whole lot easier. GO for it!

hayleyf605

I agree with the other comments- some sort of counselling could be very beneficial. They will also be able to suggest whether you need some sort of medicated treatment or something to help reduce the anxiety so day-to-day things are easier. Although things are difficult at the moment I think you have everything to hope for in a successful treatment, whether that be purely by talking or medication, because you've done the most important thing so far... you've been able to recognise your behaviour, acknowledge that it is damaging to you and impinging on your life. More than that, you've identified events from your past which seem to account for that. Some people spend years trying to get to that point, understand why they feel as they do and you're already there. i think that once you get to speak to a professional they will be able to help you put all those links together and find a way to move you forward :-)

robbin

the first two paragraphs of your life history sounds like my childhood absent father and all. i was sexually abused but by a abaysitter and i have a friend that had the same coerced sexuall experiences within that same age bracket. you need to not feel guilty about it! and you don't need to "turn yourself in" or anything. but if you have any personal insurance it probably covers individual counseling for a small price. you should do this. i did and it helped me turn this small feelings of know i really shouldn't be like this into the overpowering feeling.

i know how you feel, you know how you should be acting, but you just don't do that, you do what you feel is the wrong thing and it makes you so mad that you did it!! and you're mad at yourself which makes it worse!

just talk to a counselor. i promise (from personal experience) you will feel better. not right away but stick with it!!!

also if you can afford it, see a nutritionist. he or she can help you set up a plan with food you like and activities you like to bring your weight down. but feeling better about yourself emotionally will help alot.