Sucker for punishment....

Seeker · 03-20-2009, 06:03 PM

This seemed as good a place as any to start my first post. Was hoping it would be a good day when i joined but its not, so to my probs....
I feel I'm a sucker for punishment as I keep getting into the same situation again and again, its not for lack of knowledge or experience its just that when it comes to myself and others i have a really hard time saying 'no' if ever, or i give till it hurts and believe me it does. When it happens again I get so peeved with myself for falling victim again and tell myself - thats it, no more misses nice girl, I've had it, I've had enough and I'm not going to get used again.

But then as soon as someone I love needs me, my time, my things, my money, practically anything I give and keep giving and Its like I can't help it, compared to my siblings I'm the most reliable, responsible one in our family and always have been, but this compulsion I have to make sure everything runs smoothly and everyones happy is wearing me down. I don't have a selfish bone in my body and in all things i do i consider the impact on everyone else first.

I've spent so long being a people pleaser that I don't 'me' anymore. I smile on the outside and most times feel generally optimistic about things, but sometimes on the inside I feel 'so low' and lonesome.
My beliefs I feel have shaped who I am, I believed in the 'what goes around comes around' but I'm still waiting after all these years, then other times I'll switch into "life is what you make it" mode and get up and rearing to go, new goals, new plans, new lifestyle and then you guessed it, along comes someone with a new need that I can't help but deal with.

Thats why I'm so glad I found this site, so I can get it all out and be real !!
Looking for the wealth of experience that yous have to offer me in this my life's journey.

**jss2000** · 03-22-2009, 12:33 AM

Hi Seeker,
Here's an idea for how you can take more control of your "helping instinct" and make it work for you:
First, if someone asks you for something substantial--for example, anything more than spare change or 5 minutes of your time--ask them, "Can I think about it and then get back to you?" For the time being, place a freeze on others' commitments so that you can consider the ramifications of committing vs. graciously declining.

Second, once you've taken leave of the other person, draw up a 2 x 2 grid in which you'll write the pros and cons of committing vs. not committing to the request. Why go through this? Well, it sounds like you're currently thinking only about the pros of helping and the cons of declining to help, whereas the other side of the story (i.e., neglecting other priorities in your life if you decide to help) maybe gets overlooked. So this brings some balance, a little clearheadedness to your decision making process. This way, if you do decide to help, you know what you will be sacrificing for the other person, and can feel confident knowing that the consequences of not helping were greater. On the other hand, if you have to say "no," you can feel more confident knowing that you weighed the costs and couldn't afford them. Tell the person that you want to help (you do want to help!) but you just can't. See next step.

Third, draw up a plan of action. Do you commit, do you decline, or is there another option? Nearly every unreasonable request can be modified in a way that helps the other person and still works for you. For example, if you are too busy now, could you offer to help later? Or, if the person is just asking too much, could you offer to meet part of their needs ("I only have a few minutes--how can I help you?"). Could you recommend another resource? (a community agency, a website or book, or the person's own resourcefulness) See if there isn't a way to help the person while acknowledging your own limitations.

To sum it up: Wait to commit. Write out the consequences. Then make your plan.

One more thought: by not answering the person's request right away, you may be giving them time to do their own problem solving. Thus, they come up with a solution all on their own. The same applies if you state your limitations--they may decide either to solve the problem themselves, or they'll just find another "sucker."
Some people may just be poor problem solvers and dump their issues on you. Others may believe you owe them and/or simply intend to take advantage of your generosity. My guess is the people with the planning problems will appreciate whatever help you can give them. The parasites, on the other hand, will just look for another host--lol. Either way, though, you can be helpful without compromising yourself.

Hope this helps.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-22-2009, 01:05 AM

My "worldy advice!"..

Don't change.

You are who you are and being a giver, loving people, is a beautiful trait,
off course you will get burnt, off course you will get used but it's all in how you look at things.

At this point in time you don't comprehend that to give is not necessarily to receive back.. It is purely your nature, and what those people learn from what you do or don't learn, you can only try.

You need to take them all for who they are and feel sorry for them, if they take advantage and know that they will learn.

And, you need to love yourself for who you are and smile in that knowing that you are a giver and one day someone will walk in your life and be the same, and give back for no reason other than they want to..

With someone with so much love inside of you, someone will walk in and want to give that love right back at you.

It's who you are.

And, it will be who they are.

So, I will say to you, don't change give because it's you, understand that it won't always be taken with gratitude, rather expected and always see the good in what you do without expectations or wants and watch how people then see the real you as a result.

One thing though and it's important.

You also have to take the time out to give to yourself... and remember, how beautiful you are inside... Because it's the inside soul that counts in a person... We can't change people only try to help them... If they take the help that's great, if not, it's all you can do...

Keep smiling in the knowing that you are a good soul... good person... and being deep and having a heart is a good trait not one that you should ever feel guilty about.. rather, a special trait that not many people have inside of them.

CW

**WildChild** · 03-22-2009, 09:59 AM

Welcome to the club, I suffer from the same affliction. I've tended to give everything I've got and then some, until I'm almost consumed. I've held what has turned out to be a very wrong idea that if I give, I will get in return. Doesn't usually happen at least not with much balance. The thing I've found is that when I reach the point that I have to pull back and take care of myself then I get dumped on and told I'm selfish and uncaring! When you do this you attract people who are takers.

They assume that what little they give you must be enough because you keep giving. You have to work on learning to recieve. Others can't give to you if you aren't able to recieve it and then you deprive them of that joy. You have to learn to put yourself first because no one else will. Just like on an airplane when they explain the emergency procedures, that you have to put on your oxygen mask first before you help anyone else with theirs. If you are depriving yourself you can't be your best.

It's hard and it hurts. I'm still figuring it out. It turns out sometimes you get back in really unexpected ways from unexpected sources. A complete stranger will do something huge for you while someone you love and care about won't. Remember that something as simple as a smile or a pleasant word can sometimes do more more someone than anything else.

03-20-2009, 06:03 PM	#1
Seeker Junior Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 8	Sucker for punishment.... This seemed as good a place as any to start my first post. Was hoping it would be a good day when i joined but its not, so to my probs.... I feel I'm a sucker for punishment as I keep getting into the same situation again and again, its not for lack of knowledge or experience its just that when it comes to myself and others i have a really hard time saying 'no' if ever, or i give till it hurts and believe me it does. When it happens again I get so peeved with myself for falling victim again and tell myself - thats it, no more misses nice girl, I've had it, I've had enough and I'm not going to get used again. But then as soon as someone I love needs me, my time, my things, my money, practically anything I give and keep giving and Its like I can't help it, compared to my siblings I'm the most reliable, responsible one in our family and always have been, but this compulsion I have to make sure everything runs smoothly and everyones happy is wearing me down. I don't have a selfish bone in my body and in all things i do i consider the impact on everyone else first. I've spent so long being a people pleaser that I don't 'me' anymore. I smile on the outside and most times feel generally optimistic about things, but sometimes on the inside I feel 'so low' and lonesome. My beliefs I feel have shaped who I am, I believed in the 'what goes around comes around' but I'm still waiting after all these years, then other times I'll switch into "life is what you make it" mode and get up and rearing to go, new goals, new plans, new lifestyle and then you guessed it, along comes someone with a new need that I can't help but deal with. Thats why I'm so glad I found this site, so I can get it all out and be real !! Looking for the wealth of experience that yous have to offer me in this my life's journey.

03-22-2009, 01:05 AM	#3
CHANDLERS WISH WH Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 9,930 Blog Entries: 7	My "worldy advice!".. Don't change. You are who you are and being a giver, loving people, is a beautiful trait, off course you will get burnt, off course you will get used but it's all in how you look at things. At this point in time you don't comprehend that to give is not necessarily to receive back.. It is purely your nature, and what those people learn from what you do or don't learn, you can only try. You need to take them all for who they are and feel sorry for them, if they take advantage and know that they will learn. And, you need to love yourself for who you are and smile in that knowing that you are a giver and one day someone will walk in your life and be the same, and give back for no reason other than they want to.. With someone with so much love inside of you, someone will walk in and want to give that love right back at you. It's who you are. And, it will be who they are. So, I will say to you, don't change give because it's you, understand that it won't always be taken with gratitude, rather expected and always see the good in what you do without expectations or wants and watch how people then see the real you as a result. One thing though and it's important. You also have to take the time out to give to yourself... and remember, how beautiful you are inside... Because it's the inside soul that counts in a person... We can't change people only try to help them... If they take the help that's great, if not, it's all you can do... Keep smiling in the knowing that you are a good soul... good person... and being deep and having a heart is a good trait not one that you should ever feel guilty about.. rather, a special trait that not many people have inside of them. CW __________________ Do we not realise that in order to find a soul It doesn't happen over night if truth were to be told Like everything in life that's hard to achieve you must believe! Register! \| Rules/FAQ \| Contact Mod

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03-22-2009, 12:33 AM	#2
jss2000 VIP Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Utah, USA Posts: 40	Hi Seeker, Here's an idea for how you can take more control of your "helping instinct" and make it work for you: First, if someone asks you for something substantial--for example, anything more than spare change or 5 minutes of your time--ask them, "Can I think about it and then get back to you?" For the time being, place a freeze on others' commitments so that you can consider the ramifications of committing vs. graciously declining. Second, once you've taken leave of the other person, draw up a 2 x 2 grid in which you'll write the pros and cons of committing vs. not committing to the request. Why go through this? Well, it sounds like you're currently thinking only about the pros of helping and the cons of declining to help, whereas the other side of the story (i.e., neglecting other priorities in your life if you decide to help) maybe gets overlooked. So this brings some balance, a little clearheadedness to your decision making process. This way, if you do decide to help, you know what you will be sacrificing for the other person, and can feel confident knowing that the consequences of not helping were greater. On the other hand, if you have to say "no," you can feel more confident knowing that you weighed the costs and couldn't afford them. Tell the person that you want to help (you do want to help!) but you just can't. See next step. Third, draw up a plan of action. Do you commit, do you decline, or is there another option? Nearly every unreasonable request can be modified in a way that helps the other person and still works for you. For example, if you are too busy now, could you offer to help later? Or, if the person is just asking too much, could you offer to meet part of their needs ("I only have a few minutes--how can I help you?"). Could you recommend another resource? (a community agency, a website or book, or the person's own resourcefulness) See if there isn't a way to help the person while acknowledging your own limitations. To sum it up: Wait to commit. Write out the consequences. Then make your plan. One more thought: by not answering the person's request right away, you may be giving them time to do their own problem solving. Thus, they come up with a solution all on their own. The same applies if you state your limitations--they may decide either to solve the problem themselves, or they'll just find another "sucker." Some people may just be poor problem solvers and dump their issues on you. Others may believe you owe them and/or simply intend to take advantage of your generosity. My guess is the people with the planning problems will appreciate whatever help you can give them. The parasites, on the other hand, will just look for another host--lol. Either way, though, you can be helpful without compromising yourself. Hope this helps.

03-22-2009, 09:59 AM	#4
WildChild Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Western USA Posts: 6,230 Blog Entries: 5	Welcome to the club, I suffer from the same affliction. I've tended to give everything I've got and then some, until I'm almost consumed. I've held what has turned out to be a very wrong idea that if I give, I will get in return. Doesn't usually happen at least not with much balance. The thing I've found is that when I reach the point that I have to pull back and take care of myself then I get dumped on and told I'm selfish and uncaring! When you do this you attract people who are takers. They assume that what little they give you must be enough because you keep giving. You have to work on learning to recieve. Others can't give to you if you aren't able to recieve it and then you deprive them of that joy. You have to learn to put yourself first because no one else will. Just like on an airplane when they explain the emergency procedures, that you have to put on your oxygen mask first before you help anyone else with theirs. If you are depriving yourself you can't be your best. It's hard and it hurts. I'm still figuring it out. It turns out sometimes you get back in really unexpected ways from unexpected sources. A complete stranger will do something huge for you while someone you love and care about won't. Remember that something as simple as a smile or a pleasant word can sometimes do more more someone than anything else.