Thread: I'm a cutter

I really can't urge you strongly enough to get a copy of The Heroine's Journey by Maureen Murdock. Read the whole book but pay particular attention to the story of Inanna. You need to heal. You are disconnected from yourself as a woman. Healing will not come from male approval (big teats) or male identification (being a tomboy). Healing will come from digging deep inside yourself, facing yourself, and embracing who you are. You must face your dark side and love it.

We live in what is still a largely male dominated and male oriented society - pretty much world wide. There has been progress made but it is deeply embedded in our language and cultures. Women have to find ways of 'being' within this negative structure and it can be done. Many do it. The simple fact is it isn't your boobs you hate, it's what they represent. It is your sense of powerlessness as a female. You see big boobs as representing female power, the power of sexuality, the power of the femmine self. You see your small breasts as representing your lack of power. As a female in a male based world you see yourself lacking power. As a woman with small breasts you see yourself lacking what power women have.

What you have not discovered yet is that your power is much deeper than that. The power of the femmine is generative, reproductive, it is in creativity, joyful creativity! You have within you the ability to be a bright, joyful, creative and powerful woman! But first you must learn to love yourself. Nothing else matters. If you can love yourself the rest will fall into place.

Have you seen the movie, What The Bleep? Down the Rabbit Hole? When Amanda looks in the mirror and says, "I hate you." She triggers a response deep within herself and suddenly finds the love within herself. She spends fancinated hours decorating her body with an intricate design using what appears to be a blue eyeliner pencil. Then she relaxes in the tub. It's a wonderful scene of coming to love and accept oneself.

I have small breasts. I like them. They've worked pretty well for me. I've fought and continue to fight my battles, I've dealt with a slew of them; rape, abuse, violence, stalking - I recognize none of that was about me. Those were symptoms of men out of balance seeking to pull from me as a woman what was missing in them or to subdue and control my femmine power. I've had to fight to do some of the things I wanted, I love working with tools, building and tearing down - things are usually male identified but I am fully female. When I was young it wasn't very acceptable for women to want to do these things. I was forced out of a drafting class because the teacher wasn't having a girl in his class. The problem wasn't me. It wasn't being female. It was the system, the ideas of what was and wasn't acceptable. You have to learn to place responsibility where it belongs. It's not about your body. It's not about your breasts. It's about valuing yourself.

What do you want to do? Where would you like to be? What would it take for you to be in love with yourself?