seeking therapy while in a relationship...good or bad?

**yellowpiXi3** · 04-03-2009, 01:50 PM

earlier this month i posted about depression and anxiety. well. my insurance kicked in and i get to have 24 visits per year to a therapist. i will be making an appointment as soon as i get all the information.....

anyway. my question is that i'm in a relationship.i didn't know how much i was hurting him. i don't want to hurt him anymore. i love him more than anything. he says that i add stress to the relationship instead of trying to take that stress away. IMO that's pretty bad if you're in a relationship and your significant other says he can't talk to you because he'll get more stressed.

i literally cried last night thinking if i should get help by myself. or get help while im in the relationship.

the reason why i thought about being alone while getting help is because i don't want to hurt him anymore.BUT he has been an amazing person. he's been there for me through so much! and i want to be there for him as well. but i don't know how to. and every time i try, i just end up messing things up. i love him very much. and he said that he wants us to work out. that we are basically good for each other. and he's working hard to get a house and eventually move in together.

**WildChild** · 04-03-2009, 02:11 PM

How on earth could getting therapy and hopefully getting the source of your trouble add stress? That doesn't sound like messing anything up. What is he basing that on?

**yellowpiXi3** · 04-03-2009, 02:37 PM

ok. here's the story. sorry if its long.

i was physically,emotionally and mentally abused growing up. its not until i moved out of my parents house that i knew i had to get help. so in that process it messed up my relationship with people. i would get angry about every stupid little thing. and with the workload he has at work and the stress it brings him. i guess he can't handle my pmdd, AND me being depressed./anxious all the time.
i didn't use to be this way. when we first started dating i was fine. it wasn't until halfway through that my mental health started to suffer.( i was realizing how much abuse i went through) and he was there for me. whole heartedly. he takes care of me when i have my pmdd. he even goes online and researches it. i have no doubt about the amount of commitment he has with our relationship.
i guess what im trying to say is that a person can only take so much. we both agree that relationship isn't suppose to add stress. its where you go to escape it. we both have stomach problems that get worse with stress. and this isn't good for either of us.
i want to seek help for myself foremost. and also to stop hurting people around me unintentionally.
he says i cry and scream sometimes at night. he thinks its because its due to the abuse. i don't want that anymore. i just want to be happy. and i want him to be happy. i need help and i know that. and he knows that.

not sure if that answered anything but thank you for listening/reading.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-03-2009, 05:33 PM

It sounds like he has a clear understanding of your past and that alot of this didn't eventuate earlier in the relationship and that he has been suportive.

IBS, is stress related I believe anyway and certain foods/dairy adds to the problem and some people get very irritable..

What do you think you do that hurts him and other's around you?

Are you irritable, irrational, get wound up and let loose, cry, talk negative,

Irrespective you personally need to let those Demons loose and out, so you can live a happier life.. He may simply mean you are stressing him with constant negative thoughts about your relationship with him, when he is fine but maybe having difficulties coping on-going with the reactions and feelings you have.

I don't think you need to leave him rather get your 24 appointments and start working through those past issues and start to grieve over all that happened for which I am sorry for...

CW

**yellowpiXi3** · 04-03-2009, 07:00 PM

i feel like i hurt people by being negative and i tend to have a short fuse. i get angry about stupid stuff. and sometimes i just can't control it and i take it out on him. i don't mean to. it just comes out. i would get angry and have a panic attack about stupid stuff. i know after i have the attack that it was stupid. i also can't let things go. i feel like i have this obligation to do everything right or else people will be mad at me. i guess that's coming from how i was raised.

i guess an easier way to put it is that i put him through an emotional roller coaster.(that's what one of my ex's said to me) like i said i didn't know i needed help this bad until i moved out.

thanks for listening folks. this is really helping me

**WildChild** · 04-03-2009, 10:37 PM

Well I've dealt with some of this. You need to get a handle on it and therapy can help. Make sure you and the therapist are on the same page, that what you want and what they are best at working with go together. For example are you really wanting to dig down and drege up all the old stuff? Or are you looking to let go of it, and learn to move forward?

My experience was a need to do some dredging and then really learn to let it go and leave it behind. You can't dwell there. What you have to remember is that the people who hurt you have moved on, they probably don't even think about it, they may deny it, you may never get them to admit it, talk about it or appologise. YOU are the one carrying it all around with you! That may sound like blaming the victim but it's not. It's taking responsiblity. Not for what happened to you, that was out of your hands, beyond your control. Not for how you dealt with it as a child - you did what you could the best you could. What you have to own and take responsibility for is what you are doing now, how you are handling it. Once you can see it, you can name it. Remember Rumplestiltskin? It derives from a teaching story, a very old story, predating Christianity. Ii's about the power of naming something, the power of giving it it's true name. That is what you have to do - name your (s word for fecal material) Once you name it, you shine a light on it and it starts to lose it's power. Then you ahve to be able to see those who hurt you with an eye of compassion. Think what awful things must have happened to them, been done to them that they would treat you as they did! Then you can forgive.

FOrgiveness isn't about then saying sorry. It's about you letting go of it. Basically giving it back to them. NOT being mean or anything, just saying I forgive you. Then you can walk away and it's not yours anymore. That doesn't mean you'll simply be over it but it will start a new level of healing. Try to get outside bare feet, you need to ground yourself often, feel the earth under your feet, the sun on your face, see the moon and stars.

You can get through this and hopefully he will continue to be there for you.

By the way, A had a rueful laugh when I saw your statement, "we both agree that relationship isn't suppose to add stress". Life is about growth and learning and it is within relationships that most if not all of it occurs! Your relationships with family, friends, lovers, fellow workers and most of all yourself. That can be wonderful and delightful, it can also be painful and stressful. But it is vital. If he sticks this out with you he will grow too. Love can bring our greatest joy but it also can bring great pain, because the growing is often painful. Think of this experience as a birth. You are birthing the next level of your existance. Childbirth is intense, many describe it as painful but when you see and hold your child it all fades away, you would happily do it all again just to see that little one. You are experiencing another kind of birth and when you are through it you will see a new level of joy in your life!

**withered_rose** · 04-04-2009, 11:08 AM

I think that you should go to therapy while you are in the relationship it will only help the two of you to have a better relationship with each other. There will be no other stress because you will have someone outside of the relationship to talk to. I would consider it from that point. I wish you luck love.

**yellowpiXi3** · 04-05-2009, 04:29 PM

thank you all for your advice. it has helped me make my decision. wish me luck on the therapy.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-05-2009, 04:41 PM

Don't need to, you wished it when you decided to have it, so it will all work out..

04-03-2009, 01:50 PM	#1
yellowpiXi3 Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: californication Posts: 290 Blog Entries: 8	seeking therapy while in a relationship...good or bad? earlier this month i posted about depression and anxiety. well. my insurance kicked in and i get to have 24 visits per year to a therapist. i will be making an appointment as soon as i get all the information..... anyway. my question is that i'm in a relationship.i didn't know how much i was hurting him. i don't want to hurt him anymore. i love him more than anything. he says that i add stress to the relationship instead of trying to take that stress away. IMO that's pretty bad if you're in a relationship and your significant other says he can't talk to you because he'll get more stressed. i literally cried last night thinking if i should get help by myself. or get help while im in the relationship. the reason why i thought about being alone while getting help is because i don't want to hurt him anymore.BUT he has been an amazing person. he's been there for me through so much! and i want to be there for him as well. but i don't know how to. and every time i try, i just end up messing things up. i love him very much. and he said that he wants us to work out. that we are basically good for each other. and he's working hard to get a house and eventually move in together.

04-03-2009, 05:33 PM	#4
CHANDLERS WISH WH Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 9,927 Blog Entries: 7	It sounds like he has a clear understanding of your past and that alot of this didn't eventuate earlier in the relationship and that he has been suportive. IBS, is stress related I believe anyway and certain foods/dairy adds to the problem and some people get very irritable.. What do you think you do that hurts him and other's around you? Are you irritable, irrational, get wound up and let loose, cry, talk negative, Irrespective you personally need to let those Demons loose and out, so you can live a happier life.. He may simply mean you are stressing him with constant negative thoughts about your relationship with him, when he is fine but maybe having difficulties coping on-going with the reactions and feelings you have. I don't think you need to leave him rather get your 24 appointments and start working through those past issues and start to grieve over all that happened for which I am sorry for... CW __________________ Do we not realise that in order to find a soul It doesn't happen over night if truth were to be told Like everything in life that's hard to achieve you must believe! Register! \| Rules/FAQ \| Contact Mod

04-04-2009, 11:08 AM	#7
withered_rose Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: maryland Posts: 184	I think that you should go to therapy while you are in the relationship it will only help the two of you to have a better relationship with each other. There will be no other stress because you will have someone outside of the relationship to talk to. I would consider it from that point. I wish you luck love. __________________ Before you criticise someone walk a mile in their shoes and then that way if they get angry they will be a mile away and barefoot

04-05-2009, 04:41 PM	#9
CHANDLERS WISH WH Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 9,927 Blog Entries: 7	Don't need to, you wished it when you decided to have it, so it will all work out.. __________________ Do we not realise that in order to find a soul It doesn't happen over night if truth were to be told Like everything in life that's hard to achieve you must believe! Register! \| Rules/FAQ \| Contact Mod

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04-03-2009, 02:11 PM	#2
WildChild Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Western USA Posts: 6,230 Blog Entries: 5	How on earth could getting therapy and hopefully getting the source of your trouble add stress? That doesn't sound like messing anything up. What is he basing that on?

04-03-2009, 02:37 PM	#3
yellowpiXi3 Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: californication Posts: 290 Blog Entries: 8	ok. here's the story. sorry if its long. i was physically,emotionally and mentally abused growing up. its not until i moved out of my parents house that i knew i had to get help. so in that process it messed up my relationship with people. i would get angry about every stupid little thing. and with the workload he has at work and the stress it brings him. i guess he can't handle my pmdd, AND me being depressed./anxious all the time. i didn't use to be this way. when we first started dating i was fine. it wasn't until halfway through that my mental health started to suffer.( i was realizing how much abuse i went through) and he was there for me. whole heartedly. he takes care of me when i have my pmdd. he even goes online and researches it. i have no doubt about the amount of commitment he has with our relationship. i guess what im trying to say is that a person can only take so much. we both agree that relationship isn't suppose to add stress. its where you go to escape it. we both have stomach problems that get worse with stress. and this isn't good for either of us. i want to seek help for myself foremost. and also to stop hurting people around me unintentionally. he says i cry and scream sometimes at night. he thinks its because its due to the abuse. i don't want that anymore. i just want to be happy. and i want him to be happy. i need help and i know that. and he knows that. not sure if that answered anything but thank you for listening/reading.

04-03-2009, 07:00 PM	#5
yellowpiXi3 Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: californication Posts: 290 Blog Entries: 8	i feel like i hurt people by being negative and i tend to have a short fuse. i get angry about stupid stuff. and sometimes i just can't control it and i take it out on him. i don't mean to. it just comes out. i would get angry and have a panic attack about stupid stuff. i know after i have the attack that it was stupid. i also can't let things go. i feel like i have this obligation to do everything right or else people will be mad at me. i guess that's coming from how i was raised. i guess an easier way to put it is that i put him through an emotional roller coaster.(that's what one of my ex's said to me) like i said i didn't know i needed help this bad until i moved out. thanks for listening folks. this is really helping me

04-03-2009, 10:37 PM	#6
WildChild Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Western USA Posts: 6,230 Blog Entries: 5	Well I've dealt with some of this. You need to get a handle on it and therapy can help. Make sure you and the therapist are on the same page, that what you want and what they are best at working with go together. For example are you really wanting to dig down and drege up all the old stuff? Or are you looking to let go of it, and learn to move forward? My experience was a need to do some dredging and then really learn to let it go and leave it behind. You can't dwell there. What you have to remember is that the people who hurt you have moved on, they probably don't even think about it, they may deny it, you may never get them to admit it, talk about it or appologise. YOU are the one carrying it all around with you! That may sound like blaming the victim but it's not. It's taking responsiblity. Not for what happened to you, that was out of your hands, beyond your control. Not for how you dealt with it as a child - you did what you could the best you could. What you have to own and take responsibility for is what you are doing now, how you are handling it. Once you can see it, you can name it. Remember Rumplestiltskin? It derives from a teaching story, a very old story, predating Christianity. Ii's about the power of naming something, the power of giving it it's true name. That is what you have to do - name your (s word for fecal material) Once you name it, you shine a light on it and it starts to lose it's power. Then you ahve to be able to see those who hurt you with an eye of compassion. Think what awful things must have happened to them, been done to them that they would treat you as they did! Then you can forgive. FOrgiveness isn't about then saying sorry. It's about you letting go of it. Basically giving it back to them. NOT being mean or anything, just saying I forgive you. Then you can walk away and it's not yours anymore. That doesn't mean you'll simply be over it but it will start a new level of healing. Try to get outside bare feet, you need to ground yourself often, feel the earth under your feet, the sun on your face, see the moon and stars. You can get through this and hopefully he will continue to be there for you. By the way, A had a rueful laugh when I saw your statement, "we both agree that relationship isn't suppose to add stress". Life is about growth and learning and it is within relationships that most if not all of it occurs! Your relationships with family, friends, lovers, fellow workers and most of all yourself. That can be wonderful and delightful, it can also be painful and stressful. But it is vital. If he sticks this out with you he will grow too. Love can bring our greatest joy but it also can bring great pain, because the growing is often painful. Think of this experience as a birth. You are birthing the next level of your existance. Childbirth is intense, many describe it as painful but when you see and hold your child it all fades away, you would happily do it all again just to see that little one. You are experiencing another kind of birth and when you are through it you will see a new level of joy in your life!

04-05-2009, 04:29 PM	#8
yellowpiXi3 Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: californication Posts: 290 Blog Entries: 8	thank you all for your advice. it has helped me make my decision. wish me luck on the therapy.

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