Thread: seeking therapy while in a relationship...good or bad?

Well I've dealt with some of this. You need to get a handle on it and therapy can help. Make sure you and the therapist are on the same page, that what you want and what they are best at working with go together. For example are you really wanting to dig down and drege up all the old stuff? Or are you looking to let go of it, and learn to move forward?

My experience was a need to do some dredging and then really learn to let it go and leave it behind. You can't dwell there. What you have to remember is that the people who hurt you have moved on, they probably don't even think about it, they may deny it, you may never get them to admit it, talk about it or appologise. YOU are the one carrying it all around with you! That may sound like blaming the victim but it's not. It's taking responsiblity. Not for what happened to you, that was out of your hands, beyond your control. Not for how you dealt with it as a child - you did what you could the best you could. What you have to own and take responsibility for is what you are doing now, how you are handling it. Once you can see it, you can name it. Remember Rumplestiltskin? It derives from a teaching story, a very old story, predating Christianity. Ii's about the power of naming something, the power of giving it it's true name. That is what you have to do - name your (s word for fecal material) Once you name it, you shine a light on it and it starts to lose it's power. Then you ahve to be able to see those who hurt you with an eye of compassion. Think what awful things must have happened to them, been done to them that they would treat you as they did! Then you can forgive.

FOrgiveness isn't about then saying sorry. It's about you letting go of it. Basically giving it back to them. NOT being mean or anything, just saying I forgive you. Then you can walk away and it's not yours anymore. That doesn't mean you'll simply be over it but it will start a new level of healing. Try to get outside bare feet, you need to ground yourself often, feel the earth under your feet, the sun on your face, see the moon and stars.

You can get through this and hopefully he will continue to be there for you.

By the way, A had a rueful laugh when I saw your statement, "we both agree that relationship isn't suppose to add stress". Life is about growth and learning and it is within relationships that most if not all of it occurs! Your relationships with family, friends, lovers, fellow workers and most of all yourself. That can be wonderful and delightful, it can also be painful and stressful. But it is vital. If he sticks this out with you he will grow too. Love can bring our greatest joy but it also can bring great pain, because the growing is often painful. Think of this experience as a birth. You are birthing the next level of your existance. Childbirth is intense, many describe it as painful but when you see and hold your child it all fades away, you would happily do it all again just to see that little one. You are experiencing another kind of birth and when you are through it you will see a new level of joy in your life!