insanely obsessed with boyfriend's ex! - Page 2

**sexybabe** · 10-28-2009, 05:14 PM

[QUOTE=Hopeless Dork;123231]

I do understand your concern there, but try not to let that get to you if its just occasional exchanges especially if she is reaching out to him. If he's the one doing all the reaching and trying to maintain something there that the girl is indifferent to.... thats a different story entirely. QUOTE]

he is actually the one doing all the reaching out and that's why im upset

i know how the kid wouldn't respond to his "sweet" messages although he didnt mind. occassionally he would still send her messages, all the 'i love you's' and 'i miss you's' and 'ill always be your dad even if im not your real dad and will always be there for you' is just driving me nuts!

here's another thing. my boyfriend and i dive togather and once, asked if we could take the kid with us so she can experience diving too. personally i love kids and he's been telling me what what a wonderful kid she is so i agreed. so we picked her up somewhere and i actually met the mother! we just said hi and smiled at each other that's about it (since then i couldnt get her off my mind). so the whole time that we were with the kid, my bf was LITERALLY cuddling the kid, hugging her, kissing her, being sweet and all... this totally drove me insane! i must admit that the kid is pretty sweet, she's so gentle and pretty and kind its impossible not to like her. i must admit i liked her myself. but seeing how my bf was to her... that was just way too much for me! so when i couldnt take it anymore, i told her how ive been feeling like all day and i just burst into tears. i told him " i know how much you love this kid and how much you missed her and that's why i said yes to this trip with her. i TRIED, i really did, but seeing you cuddling with her and all that is just too much" he apologized over and over, saying that he knew it took a lot at my end to understand but just didnt realize that it was too much for me. i said im NEVER going to another dive trip with the kid and tha's not because i hate her, she's a wonderful young girl, but because i just cant stand seeing them together. my bf said he never inviting her again and they never saw each other since.

i know that i cant stop him from loving the kid. chandler's right, it's usual to get attached to kids, especially with a wonderful kid like her. i dont want to be selfish, but i think it's not healthy to have her around while we dive - its OUR activity together. if she were his real daughter then maybe i wouldve understood. but you see, that's the reason i dont date divorced men or the ones with kids because i know how insecure i can get. it does feel weird how he is still pursuing a relationship with her, i know the kid doesnt text him, he's just the one reaching out all the time and i just dont get it!

**sexybabe** · 10-28-2009, 05:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

Woah...

Okay, this is dangerous, it's illegal in my Country and can get you sent to jaol for hacking sweet.

You do need professional help but only to find out why you feel compelled to do this.

You probably have an obsessive disorder, think of other things that you get obsessed with.

But it is going beyond that because you are as I said "stalking/ but now your hacking/"..

The stupidity of it all is, is he may have thought she was his dream but that's because she lied from get go and as a result sucked him in. That's the bit your not seeing, once he did see it, he left again that's what your not seeing and the child, it's usual for someone to get attached, again what your not seeing is that when he becomes a Dad he will be awesome.

So I saw so many positives in all of this... that your not seeing.

Even though you obviously have self -esteme issues, and you need to work with this and establish why because, face it, he's with you, so you must be pretty good afterall.. this is not snooping,anymore, this is dangerous, please do something immediately.

I am glad that you opened up though and told us, it's an important step, well done.

Mes T, you can't edit .... send me a Visitors message if it's bad and I'll change it for you, that's better than writing 10 posts...

i know.. im dangerous

now, not only do i have serious self-esteem issues, i am also a dangerous woman! i dont know how to stop but i know i just got to stop period. i realized that this must be an obsessive disorder, i dont even know why im hacking, its not like im doing it to see if theyre talking. its crazy and im sooooo ashamed of myself. i will try with all my might to stop this obsession. im glad i can share this with you guys who only mean to help and not judge so thank you!

**Mes_T** · 10-28-2009, 06:54 PM

Have you considered well... dumping him? I mean he sounds like a great guy but his particular baggage might be too much for you. Do you think you'd be happier with a guy who didn't have this pseudo-daughter type person...? Or do you think you'd end up being obsessive with the next guy anyway?

You should definitely try to get some professional help if you can, before this makes you or the people around you any more miserable. You could get into a lot of trouble if you were caught stalking these people.

**Mes_T** · 10-28-2009, 06:56 PM

By the way, try not to dwell too much on him being attached to that kid. I work at a middle school in Korea and there are some students that I would happily adopt and have live with me forever and ever.

If he can be that attached to a kid who isn't even his, just imagine how wonderful he would be to a kid that you two would have together.

**sexybabe** · 10-28-2009, 07:17 PM

You're right Mes T. I know he will be a wonderful father. Ive seen how he is with kids, with the ex's daughter and his nieces. He said he likes hugging people who are dear to him and i observed this to be true. he would hug even our girl friends and i really dont mind. the funny thing is, i dont get jealous even if i know that he has a lot of girl friends and how he would hug them, im totally cool with that. what's absurd is how i get crazy jealous over past girlfriends. i never considered dumping him because of the kid because after that trip, he never invited her again. i told him to go with her if he wants but there's no way im going if she's there, and again I said its not because i hate the kid but because i just cant stand the sight and dont want to put myself through that again. its enough that i tried and discovered i cant take it.

Im really worried. This obsession has has completely gotten out of control. I dont want to make the ex's life miserable even though i "hate" her. and i can never face my bf if he found out how ive been stalking the girl, it'll be so embarassing and i know i will definitely scare him away! i will scare ME away too!

**Mes_T** · 10-28-2009, 07:23 PM

Here's a piece of advice that my ex once told me that has kept me from doing crazy things in subsequent relationships:

The truth always comes out. Maybe it'll be a while, but some day it will.

The sooner you stop, the less you'll have to answer for later.

**sexybabe** · 10-28-2009, 07:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mes_T

Have you considered well... dumping him? I mean he sounds like a great guy but his particular baggage might be too much for you. Do you think you'd be happier with a guy who didn't have this pseudo-daughter type person...? Or do you think you'd end up being obsessive with the next guy anyway?

I have all sorts of baggages too that he is putting up with. And that's why I never considered dumping him because of this because he doesn't even see the kid anymore (or at least he's not sneaking behind my back to see her, but how do i even know?).

**sexybabe** · 10-28-2009, 07:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mes_T

The truth always comes out.[/B][/I] Maybe it'll be a while, but some day it will

i know and that's scary!!! i cant imagine facing my bf and having to explain to him why i did something so stupid and crazy!!! im stopping. i really am!!! this is making me feel like a HORRIBLE person.

**Hopeless Dork** · 10-28-2009, 11:15 PM

Don't beat yourself up about it. Just decide to stop. He sounds like he has a few things to work through himself. I am not a jealous person by nature, I am insecure and jealousy and insecurity go hand and hand sometimes but I don't really obsess over ex gf's , girls my boyfriend is friends with etc.. I trust him.

But I have to admit, If he took me somewhere with ANY young girl (family friend, exes kid, whoever) that wasn't his own daughter and spent the entire time hugging and holding her --- I would be really really really uncomfortable with that. Thats odd behavior in my opinion.

If shes not contacting him, and he keeps contacting her -- that is a little selfish. Maybe the little girl is going through the natural process of letting go of one of her moms exbfs and he keeps pulling her back.

Ah well, neither here nor there, its his issue and he will have to sort it out on his own. Hopefully he does the right thing. Maybe HE ought to seek out some pro help of his own to help him figure out if the way he is stringing along this relationship with the exes daughter is healthy or not.

You probably will need to steer clear of all that, and come to grips with the things you can and can't control. You cannot control him. You can only control what you do. Who his exgf is emailing is none of your business. You would be livid if some guy you use to dates new gf was digging into your personal life, emails and following you around and rightfully so.

Sounds like she's moved on, you are focusing on her , trying to figure out what it is about her that lead him to propose to her and not to you. She was this ghost and you wanted to face the ghost head on... but you could just ask your boyfriend, what made him fall in love with her (becareful though... you may not want to hear the reasons, why pain yourself?)

Thing is, we all have lived many lives in our lifetimes and will go on to live many more as long as were living... be it with other people or the same person. We change, we grow, we learn, we make mistakes, we learn to forgive -- ourselves as importantly as others.

Make a promise to yourself to play by the rules. If you want to know something about this girl or any others ask your guy, don't snoop, don't stalk... don't become the kind of person they make tv movies of the week about

**Tex** · 10-28-2009, 11:35 PM

He's with you now. It doesn't matter what happened. He's with you now. It doesn't matter what his ex is like. He's with you now. It doesn't matter what they planned on doing. He's with you now. It doesn't mater..

Are you seeing the pattern?

You are obsessing about things in the past that can never be erased. But what does the past matter? You should focus on the here and now. Focus on YOUR relationship with him rather than HIS relationships of the past.

Again, what does it matter? Enjoy what you have with him. That's all that matters.

10-28-2009, 11:15 PM	#19
Hopeless Dork Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: United States Posts: 1,238	Don't beat yourself up about it. Just decide to stop. He sounds like he has a few things to work through himself. I am not a jealous person by nature, I am insecure and jealousy and insecurity go hand and hand sometimes but I don't really obsess over ex gf's , girls my boyfriend is friends with etc.. I trust him. But I have to admit, If he took me somewhere with ANY young girl (family friend, exes kid, whoever) that wasn't his own daughter and spent the entire time hugging and holding her --- I would be really really really uncomfortable with that. Thats odd behavior in my opinion. If shes not contacting him, and he keeps contacting her -- that is a little selfish. Maybe the little girl is going through the natural process of letting go of one of her moms exbfs and he keeps pulling her back. Ah well, neither here nor there, its his issue and he will have to sort it out on his own. Hopefully he does the right thing. Maybe HE ought to seek out some pro help of his own to help him figure out if the way he is stringing along this relationship with the exes daughter is healthy or not. You probably will need to steer clear of all that, and come to grips with the things you can and can't control. You cannot control him. You can only control what you do. Who his exgf is emailing is none of your business. You would be livid if some guy you use to dates new gf was digging into your personal life, emails and following you around and rightfully so. Sounds like she's moved on, you are focusing on her , trying to figure out what it is about her that lead him to propose to her and not to you. She was this ghost and you wanted to face the ghost head on... but you could just ask your boyfriend, what made him fall in love with her (becareful though... you may not want to hear the reasons, why pain yourself?) Thing is, we all have lived many lives in our lifetimes and will go on to live many more as long as were living... be it with other people or the same person. We change, we grow, we learn, we make mistakes, we learn to forgive -- ourselves as importantly as others. Make a promise to yourself to play by the rules. If you want to know something about this girl or any others ask your guy, don't snoop, don't stalk... don't become the kind of person they make tv movies of the week about __________________ ------------- Defintion of Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein

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10-28-2009, 05:14 PM	#11
sexybabe VIP Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 41	[QUOTE=Hopeless Dork;123231] I do understand your concern there, but try not to let that get to you if its just occasional exchanges especially if she is reaching out to him. If he's the one doing all the reaching and trying to maintain something there that the girl is indifferent to.... thats a different story entirely. QUOTE] he is actually the one doing all the reaching out and that's why im upset i know how the kid wouldn't respond to his "sweet" messages although he didnt mind. occassionally he would still send her messages, all the 'i love you's' and 'i miss you's' and 'ill always be your dad even if im not your real dad and will always be there for you' is just driving me nuts! here's another thing. my boyfriend and i dive togather and once, asked if we could take the kid with us so she can experience diving too. personally i love kids and he's been telling me what what a wonderful kid she is so i agreed. so we picked her up somewhere and i actually met the mother! we just said hi and smiled at each other that's about it (since then i couldnt get her off my mind). so the whole time that we were with the kid, my bf was LITERALLY cuddling the kid, hugging her, kissing her, being sweet and all... this totally drove me insane! i must admit that the kid is pretty sweet, she's so gentle and pretty and kind its impossible not to like her. i must admit i liked her myself. but seeing how my bf was to her... that was just way too much for me! so when i couldnt take it anymore, i told her how ive been feeling like all day and i just burst into tears. i told him " i know how much you love this kid and how much you missed her and that's why i said yes to this trip with her. i TRIED, i really did, but seeing you cuddling with her and all that is just too much" he apologized over and over, saying that he knew it took a lot at my end to understand but just didnt realize that it was too much for me. i said im NEVER going to another dive trip with the kid and tha's not because i hate her, she's a wonderful young girl, but because i just cant stand seeing them together. my bf said he never inviting her again and they never saw each other since. i know that i cant stop him from loving the kid. chandler's right, it's usual to get attached to kids, especially with a wonderful kid like her. i dont want to be selfish, but i think it's not healthy to have her around while we dive - its OUR activity together. if she were his real daughter then maybe i wouldve understood. but you see, that's the reason i dont date divorced men or the ones with kids because i know how insecure i can get. it does feel weird how he is still pursuing a relationship with her, i know the kid doesnt text him, he's just the one reaching out all the time and i just dont get it!

10-28-2009, 06:54 PM	#13
Mes_T Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 202	Have you considered well... dumping him? I mean he sounds like a great guy but his particular baggage might be too much for you. Do you think you'd be happier with a guy who didn't have this pseudo-daughter type person...? Or do you think you'd end up being obsessive with the next guy anyway? You should definitely try to get some professional help if you can, before this makes you or the people around you any more miserable. You could get into a lot of trouble if you were caught stalking these people.

10-28-2009, 06:56 PM	#14
Mes_T Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 202	By the way, try not to dwell too much on him being attached to that kid. I work at a middle school in Korea and there are some students that I would happily adopt and have live with me forever and ever. If he can be that attached to a kid who isn't even his, just imagine how wonderful he would be to a kid that you two would have together.

10-28-2009, 07:17 PM	#15
sexybabe VIP Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 41	You're right Mes T. I know he will be a wonderful father. Ive seen how he is with kids, with the ex's daughter and his nieces. He said he likes hugging people who are dear to him and i observed this to be true. he would hug even our girl friends and i really dont mind. the funny thing is, i dont get jealous even if i know that he has a lot of girl friends and how he would hug them, im totally cool with that. what's absurd is how i get crazy jealous over past girlfriends. i never considered dumping him because of the kid because after that trip, he never invited her again. i told him to go with her if he wants but there's no way im going if she's there, and again I said its not because i hate the kid but because i just cant stand the sight and dont want to put myself through that again. its enough that i tried and discovered i cant take it. Im really worried. This obsession has has completely gotten out of control. I dont want to make the ex's life miserable even though i "hate" her. and i can never face my bf if he found out how ive been stalking the girl, it'll be so embarassing and i know i will definitely scare him away! i will scare ME away too!

10-28-2009, 07:23 PM	#16
Mes_T Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 202	Here's a piece of advice that my ex once told me that has kept me from doing crazy things in subsequent relationships: The truth always comes out. Maybe it'll be a while, but some day it will. The sooner you stop, the less you'll have to answer for later.

10-28-2009, 11:35 PM	#20
Tex Gold Contributor 500+ Posts $Tex's Avatar$ Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 1,136	He's with you now. It doesn't matter what happened. He's with you now. It doesn't matter what his ex is like. He's with you now. It doesn't matter what they planned on doing. He's with you now. It doesn't mater.. Are you seeing the pattern? You are obsessing about things in the past that can never be erased. But what does the past matter? You should focus on the here and now. Focus on YOUR relationship with him rather than HIS relationships of the past. Again, what does it matter? Enjoy what you have with him. That's all that matters.