Could acting "like a lady" improve women's health?

**thecatlady** · 11-18-2009 01:12 AM

I was never raised to be a lady. I was never encouraged towards feminine characteristics. My parents sort of just let me figure things out for myself. I thought (maybe still think) that this was a good thing, but the truth is that I am just not happy at all.

Two years ago, I met a friend online that I've been talking to about life in general. He and I argue quite a bit, though most of this is due to my argumentative, y nature. I don't know what's up with me, but I always feel like I have to attack everything and that I'm competing with everyone.

At any rate, when he was angry with me today, he told me that one of the "grossest things" about me is that I "act like a man."

Now, I don't try to act like a man, or try not to act like a man. I just act like myself.

But sometimes I wonder...I feel like women are being discouraged from feminine qualities. I know what without thinking about it, I get angry every time someone points out feminine characteristics in some female leader, even if they are being positive in pointing out these characteristics. I guess subconsciously, I must view stereotypically feminine qualities as a weakness.

Consciously, my explanation to myself for my negative reaction towards people commenting on feminine qualities in women has been that we shouldn't have to be masculine or feminine -- we should just be ourselves, no matter which gender we are.

However, it's come to my attention that there are reasons certain traits are stereotypically masculine or feminine, and that certain traits are far more likely to be found in greater quantities in women or men.

The easy answer for me would be to just say I am being myself, and if anyone doesn't like that, then they aren't a true friend. But I wonder if my growing up with such hostility towards feminine traits has led me to suppress certain qualities of my character that might have developped properly, had I not been predisposed to hate those attributes in myself.

At the end of the day, I'm not happy, and while what my friend said may sound a little harsh, he said the words in anger, and I trust his ability to see people for who they are far more than I do my own.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-18-2009 02:03 AM

we shouldn't have to be masculine or feminine -- we should just be ourselves, no matter which gender we are.

I totally agree.

But I wonder if my growing up with such hostility towards feminine traits has led me to suppress certain qualities of my character that might have developped properly, had I not been predisposed to hate those attributes in myself.

Certainly, the way we are bought up plays a role in our lives, but at the end of the day, we make our own decisions as we mature and get older. Your choice. And, you chose to believe in what you were taught. You weren't brainwashed were you? We actually once mature, take in the information that we were taught and make the decisions on our own, so I would personally say you agree with that and there is nothing wrong with that at all.

Being a "tomboy also" verses feminine is natural. Loving hiking, water, pants instead of skirts, etc.

At the end of the day, I'm not happy

Are you not happy with his comments? Or in yourself, that is the question you really need to answer yourself because you are who you are and you have a right to be how you want to be.

CW

**WildChild** · 11-18-2009 09:19 AM

I agree with you that people should just be people, however your anger at recognition of a woman's femininity may bear looking at. Is that frustration at an, "Oh look, she's so cute, trying to run a corporation" kind of attitude (That ticks me off too) or are you really bothered by any gender awareness?

Recent studies on racism found that people who considered themselves "colorblind" actually caused their children to feel there was something wrong about people of color because, after all if mom and dad won't even mention it - there must be something wrong. The child sees plainly that A is much darker skinned than B, just as they see that one shirt it red and another is yellow. I've no doubt this perception extends beyond skin color to other factors including gender. Unfortunately many people are still at the stage of, so and so is good at that for a________ (fill in the blank). Someday we may get the point that someone's gender or genetic background is an importatant as their hair or eye color - but we aren't there yet.

You may need to look inside yourself and ask what is it that stick in your craw. I'm a woman who does quite a bit of work that many would consider "male", I've paid some dues for crossing those lines but overall it's worked out fine because the men I've worked with or who've worked for me, know I work hard, am not afraid to admit I don't know something or lack the physical strength for somethings and am always willing to learn. For me it's matter of interest and aptitude but I never forget that I am a woman and I don't let them forget either.

**thecatlady** · 11-18-2009 01:29 PM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

Are you not happy with his comments? Or in yourself, that is the question you really need to answer yourself because you are who you are and you have a right to be how you want to be.

I'm not happy with myself. There's a reason I don't really have any friends, that I've never fit in with my peers, and that I generally try to avoid contact with other people. I feel like I have no self control at all. My parents tried a few times to instill self-discipline in me, but I always managed to weasel my way out of everything. Even a psychiatrist that my mom made me go to when I was 16 looked up from what she was writing to give me a raised eyebrow look I'll never forget, and said, "You're quite manipulative; did you know that?"

Sometimes I feel like the manipulation never really stops. Sometimes, I feel like every time I apologize to my friend for being a **tch, every time I ask anyone for advice, or whenever I make promises to try to be a better person that I am just manipulating people into giving me another chance. I feel like I'm just stretching my time with them as much as I can, saying what they want to hear just to get instant gratification, and then I can slowly relax my vigilance until I have to apologize again.

I don't want it to be like that -- or at least, I don't think I do. But I feel hopeless and I just have no energy to push myself to get better. I just want someone to tell me it'll all be ok and work out, but sometimes I think in the back of my head that I know it won't, and that I will just end up wasting away. I know a lot of people -- myself included -- upon reading that just feel such scorn for me and my lack of self-discipline and willpower, and I think I agree with that.

It's finally all catching up to me now that I'm in my senior year of college and I'm going to have to enter the "real world" soon. I don't feel ready at all. I just wish I had time to figure out myself, or that I knew how to...I feel like just about everyone else already went through this and I'm so behind developmentally.

So as you can see, it's a lot more than just the gender issue that is bothering me. But I think a lot of it stems from that. And yes, while I do get reasonably angry with the, "that's so cute; look at that woman trying to be authoritative," attitude that WildChild pointed out, I also get angry when people promote positive feminine qualities in a woman, and point them out as such.

I don't know what I need to do to "fix" myself. I think I'm just hopelessly attempting to stumble across the answer somewhere on the internet while doing my best to deny the state I'm in, and the fact that it probably just all revolves around hard work and motivation.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-18-2009 05:16 PM

It seems to me you know the answers from what you've just written.

But if you are a manipulator you only "take" you don't "give" does that sound like you?

When she said that did you get mad because you believe she is right or that you believed that she was wrong?

You do have to believe in yourself, you are allowed to be anyone you want to be, sometimes we feel we don't fit in, but strangely it's more that we are not "like everyone else" and "don't want to fit into their ways". Especially at school/college where people are more like "sheep"...

But, when we start working, meeting people, mingling with co-workers, we see that they are "individual people" they dress they way they want to, the are themselves and it becomes different.

What are some positive feminine qualities in a woman that has been stated that you don't like?

**kira** · 11-23-2009 04:37 PM

I don't think this has anything to do with acting like a "lady" or not. This just has to do with you hating parts of yourself. The same thing can exist in every person irregardless of gender or gender roles. I know some women that would be the example of feminine and are exceedingly manipulative and have their own things they hate in the world. I think every high school girl fell under that category when I was 18. I had a boyfriend that was the same way. It's actually a better example of the fact gender doesn't matter than that we need to be or act like any one thing. I think you need to stop attributing your actions or problems to things like this and accept who you are without worrying about why you are that way. You can't improve anything in yourself if you keep finding reasons to blame and then trying to be something you're not.

You say we should just be ourselves irregardless of gender and then you worry and get so upset about being seen a certain way. Part of who you are is female. It doesn't mean you have to act a certain way or be a lady. It just means you have to accept that you do have a gender and guys are going to notice a girl has breasts and a butt. You can't get away from having a gender. You can still be whoever you want to be. I grew up as a tomboy and I've always gotten along with guys better than girls. It made school kind of interesting since from kindergarten to highschool graduation my grade really split up the guys and girls. The 2 genders never hung out together or even sat next to each other until we reached the age people started dating and then boyfriends and girlfriends might be seen in each others group. I had few friends for that reason. Most people online who don't know my gender assume I'm male until I make some post that gives it away. I find it amusing. I am who I am and whether I come off male or female online or off I don't care. If my actions come off female then so be it. If they don't oh well. I'll grin at comments either direction. Hating yourself for what you are or what anyone else perceives you as really isn't going to get you a happy life.

Thread: Could acting "like a lady" improve women's health?

LinkBack

Thread Tools

Search Thread

Display

Could acting "like a lady" improve women's health?

Similar Threads

the "dark brown" ring and "stain" at the back door...

"the short skirt and sexy shorts fitness solution"

Bookmarks

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions