trying to cope

**Tango** · 11-29-2009 07:24 AM

I have been with my husband for 5 years and now have started to worry about our sexual relationship. I was molested as a child, raped as a teen, and cheated on very often in past relationships. I was sexually promiscuous in college.

I never sought help, only told my brother/ husband, and never dwelled on it. I have always thought that a "woe is me" attitude would only make it worse. So, I just ignored it and moved on with normal life.

I met my wonderful husband after college who has been nothing but supportive, kind, gentle and everything I could want. The amount that we're having sex has decreased gradually over the years and I spoke to him recently about wanting more. Now that we are having more sex again, I feel like I fixate on it. I want it everyday and I fear if we don't have enough sex that I won't keep him satisfied. I enjoy when we have sex, physically and emotionally, but it's when we're not having sex that I worry. I worry if men can truly be monogamous, if he really enjoys being married (which my heart says of course, but my brain says how could he), and if he'd rather be single and sleeping around- all things that I know the answer is a comforting one, but can't help worry about for some reason.

I also find an urge to snoop which I really hate and try to resist.

I don't feel depressed or like I have anxiety, I have many hobbies and can function happily. I just get moments of unhealthy worry that I would like to end and I would like to understand what constitutes a healthy sexual relationship.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-29-2009 01:22 PM

Our mind is a powerful thing... We retain information that we want and disregard what we don't want.

If some of that information stored isn't in a "good light/negative", a trigger will remind us and in comes the in-security.

It seems that mostly, you concentrate on positive things and you have put your past in the back of your mind, but you never really released it and so it keeps coming back.

"Over they years" suggests you've been married for quite some time.. that should give you comfort that both parties are happy...

Your not arguing every day with each other are you.

Firstly, you could be wanting more because you have more, you want more, your body craves for the next set of endorphines released.. You could be mistaking this and allowing the cheating thoughts into your mind and that's why your fixating instead of realising it's you naturally.

You can tell when you have sex if it's "intimate", "loving", "giving"... that is all you need to answer your question.

Snooping is "a negative" and derives again from your past.

I would write down what happened in your past, all of it and say "it's time to go, I only have room for positive thoughts now in my life, I am at peace and happy", then burn those papers over the sea, over a lake, and say those words again over and over, smile and walk away.

Sex doesn't keep a marriage it certainly is part of it. It's sex, respect, honestly, love, laughter, giving, being a friend, being a lover, being a Mother, being a wife.

A healthy sexual relationship is having no inhibitions with your partner, enjoying being touched by each other, feeling each other inside the soul and touching the soul with deep intimacy. It's also the spontaneous, out of the blue, things that you do, he does, for just raw intimacy, passion at that moment.

CW

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-06-2009 02:57 AM

bump..................

**LanaBear** · 12-06-2009 09:20 AM

When you did talk to him, what did he say? What was his reasoning for the decreased drive?

**sourpuss** · 12-06-2009 10:02 AM

Have you asked him if he would rather be married or single? Seems like this is something you've made up and run with in your own head. What has happened in your relationship that would make you feel or think that? (not something in your past, with someone else) But what, exactly, in your relationship has caused you to think that he'd rather be single.
If you take away all the societal stereotypes and your past experiences that may help to analyze the situation and determine if in fact, it all really is in your head.