Tips to growing a backbone?

**SecretlySad** · 01-12-2010 08:12 PM

I have always been a major pushover, always scared of saying what is on my mind in case it leads to people disliking me or upsetting others. I grew up in a house where I was often told by my father (after a few hundred beers) that I would never amount to anything. As far back as I can remember I have had next to no confidence or self esteem.

This has led to things like certain people having no respect for me. Even if someone has been absolutely horrible to me I can't do the same to them, I am still all pleases, thank yous and sorrys.

It has also led to people thinking I am a liar because I hold in feelings so as to not hurt them. I have trouble asking people to do things for me but I am always offering to do things for others. I THINK about saying "How bout you handle it this time?", but I always end up doing whatever it is in the end. That also has to do with my "if you want something done right, do it yourself" way of thinking though.

I want to make 2010 my year of changes, and I want to start by learning to stand up for myself and not letting people walk all over me. I have tried numerous things - books, speaking to experienced and professional people, telling myself I don't deserve this treatment and that it is about me etc but nothing has worked. I am losing hope. I just can't seem to find the strength to be strong.

My loved ones walk all over me and I am sure they don't even mean to or don't even know they are doing it, but I allow them to get away with so much that they have just become used to it.

**Airmans Sweetie** · 01-12-2010 08:28 PM

i had this problem, for me the fix was facing my fears. one thing that really help me was i started selling cars for a living (not saying go get a job selling cars if u don't want to). it put me in the position that i couldn't let the customer push me around (they can b extremely mean). but it taught me that if i was gonna to get a paycheck i couldn't avoid the situation & that i had to have a backbone. everyday find one thing that scares u & face it, ur confidence builds up. my mother used to try & control me even after i was married & moved 4,500 miles away from her. but i had to put my foot down. u'll eventually get enough of being pushed around & say enough is enough. just remember that if someone has respect for u they will stick around even if u tell them no, if they don't stick around then u don't need them. u deserve respect like everyone else

**Mes T** · 01-12-2010 08:33 PM

Oh goodness. I too had this problem, particularly during my previous long term relationship. It was something about the dynamic between me and my then boyfriend that made me really, really weak.

My fix? Changing my life COMPLETELY. I broke up with my boyfriend, graduated college, and moved to Korea to teach English for a year or two.

It was fantastic. It was like a miracle. I finally felt strong, independent, and confident.

**SecretlySad** · 01-12-2010 08:40 PM

Originally Posted by Mes_T

Oh goodness. I too had this problem, particularly during my previous long term relationship. It was something about the dynamic between me and my then boyfriend that made me really, really weak.

My fix? Changing my life COMPLETELY. I broke up with my boyfriend, graduated college, and moved to Korea to teach English for a year or two.

It was fantastic. It was like a miracle. I finally felt strong, independent, and confident.

Wow, that's fantastic Mes. Good for you!

I am like that in my current relationship too! No matter what, even if I think I am 100% right, I can't seem to stand up for myself. There is also a girl at work who walks all over me, speaks to me like garbage (I am not tooting my own horn but I think it's a jealousy thing) and I don't say anything but just end up in tears on my own later.

**WildChild** · 01-12-2010 09:18 PM

First off you have to know that there is a difference between having a backbone and being nasty. You do want to avoid the later. Here's a couple of books that might help, they are related to business but the same principles apply. Generally if you improve in one part of your life, you will improve in others too:
Women Don't Ask, by Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever
Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office 101, by Lois Frankel, PhD

**Texinator** · 01-12-2010 10:56 PM

Originally Posted by SecretlySad

I have always been a major pushover, always scared of saying what is on my mind in case it leads to people disliking me or upsetting others. I grew up in a house where I was often told by my father (after a few hundred beers) that I would never amount to anything. As far back as I can remember I have had next to no confidence or self esteem.

This has led to things like certain people having no respect for me. Even if someone has been absolutely horrible to me I can't do the same to them, I am still all pleases, thank yous and sorrys.

It has also led to people thinking I am a liar because I hold in feelings so as to not hurt them. I have trouble asking people to do things for me but I am always offering to do things for others. I THINK about saying "How bout you handle it this time?", but I always end up doing whatever it is in the end. That also has to do with my "if you want something done right, do it yourself" way of thinking though.

I want to make 2010 my year of changes, and I want to start by learning to stand up for myself and not letting people walk all over me. I have tried numerous things - books, speaking to experienced and professional people, telling myself I don't deserve this treatment and that it is about me etc but nothing has worked. I am losing hope. I just can't seem to find the strength to be strong.

My loved ones walk all over me and I am sure they don't even mean to or don't even know they are doing it, but I allow them to get away with so much that they have just become used to it.

You'll find more strength in acting than thinking. It's a big first step, but once you start standing up for yourself, it'll give you a self confidence that'll start making it easier and easier.

You can start small. Voice your opinion on something. Don't back down immediately if someone challenges you. Say 'no' once in a while. What's the worst that can happen?

Somebody might start disliking you because of that? Then like Airmans said, they don't respect you and you don't need them around you anyway. You deserve respect.

But it's true.. be careful not to get too carried away. There's a difference between standing up for yourself and being nasty.