I think i'm losing it.. Please help

**Melephant** · 01-13-2010 06:35 PM

Hey girls,
I'm sure no-one wants to read an essay so i'll make this post as short as possible, but i apologise if it's not. Mine don't tend to be 30second reads (opinionated cowbag lol)!

Anyway, i just.........! I seriously think i'm losing my mind, i'm really scared and freaking out a bit. Of course, it's to do with a man, but it's not really his fault to be honest. Hopefully some of you will have seen an old thread of mine about my fiance's past -and our past together. Basically he repeatedly broke my heart before we'd even got together by saying he was interested (when i'd confessed i'd fallen for him), giving me false hope then brushing me off for other women. I hate thinking about that year before we got together, it fills me with so many emotions, but he has completely made up for it, apologised religiously and even broke down crying one time, begging me to forgive him (completely unpressed, i might add), so i know things are different now.

Anyway, that's not the point. There are still issues with me about his past -understandably, if you've read the thread- so now it's almost constantly on my mind, especially while we're apart. I can't help but wonder what he's up to.
I'm not explaining myself so good here.. It's not that i don't trust him, i do with my life, but he's a red-blooded male after all and i just don't want him to be tempted. Even if he isn't, i can't stand the thought of him even SEEING a woman prettier than me/bigger boobs/sexy clothes. Even on tv!

Hand on my heart, i've never been the jealous type. I don't think i've ever cared about anyone enough before to get jealous and possessive but with him i just can't switch my brain off.

We were cuddling in bed one lazy sunday morning watching tv and this woman (an actress who particularly irritates me anyway) came on in a sexy teddy -showing off FANTASTIC breasts!- and his neck snapped away from me and onto the tv screen and i'm like 'Grrrr!!!' I didn't say anything but i asked to watch the other channel. Anyway, an hour later i went to make us some drinks, when i came back he was watching the same show (repeated on the +1 channel) and, again, i'm like 'GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!' I couldn't help myself, i slammed the drinks down, snatched the remote off him, changed the channel and threw the controller at the wall.

This behaviour is totally appalling, i know, and honestly i'm really ashamed of myself, i swear on my life, but ican't control it. I don't know why i'm being like this, i must be losing my mind. I've never felt/acted this way before and i just don't get it. That's not the end of it either, i saw on his facebook page something he'd commented.. He was talking to a friend of his and mentioned a woman called Miranda (a friend of his i know all about who he hasn't seen in a while) and he said 'It's funny, her name never seems to leave my mind..'

Considering what went on in 2008 with us i know i'm not being unreasonable by getting angry, but it should not be going to these extremes where i just completely lose my rag. I'm losing my mind, girls. I'm terrified that my behaviour will push him away and i don't want to talk to him about it for the same reason. Either way i'm screwed, i'm having panic attacks around the clock and half-way through typing this i've just had a massive, hysterical crying fit.

I love this man so much and i don't want to push him away but i can't control this jealousy and the insecurity. Please help me, i'm terrified and i seriously believe i am going crazy.

Please, please help me.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-13-2010 07:18 PM

Sweet it's fear.

And, with fear comes in-security and with that, comes anxiety and off course then panic attacks.

You have to stand tall and know who you are, believe in what you have and realise that nothing is forever, live for today with your independence and morals in tact of whom you are.

Easier said than done huh

Motivating yourself to start positive afirmations about yourself is highly important, and breathe deep breathes every time you start to panic.

I don't recall if you tried councelling, therapy to help you through it all but that's another avenue.

What you need to realise is you are definately not alone, in this type of sphere, rut but that you have to work towards getting out of it and that means starting with yourself and realising who you are and all that you are.

If your boyfriend is not going backwards, but in-fact forwards and you feel that he wouldn't do anything to you now, and you know that in your heart and in the way he is with you as a fact, then you have to let go of the past, truly let it go, in order for you to live in the present and progress to the future.

CW

**Mes T** · 01-13-2010 07:41 PM

First off I know exactly how you feel. I was like this with a previous boyfriend of mine. And you know what? In my case, it never got better. It escalated until I got SO insecure that I made some really bad choices that essentially ended our relationship in a really bad way.

But after dating other people, I realized that maybe I do have a bit of a jealous streak BUT it only came out to that extent with HIM. It doesn't happen with other people, for whatever reason, and I don't think it's because I loved other people less.

Remember: Jealousy is NOT love. It's simply not.

Sit him down and have a serious chat about this. Let him know that certain things he does make you feel uncomfortable, and tell him why. But think about it clearly before you say anything. Plan it out. Don't make it sound like you're jealous and insecure (even though that's the case). It'll just severely put him off.

Otherwise, I know this isn't what you wanna hear but, just think about how there's a possibility that maybe with a different man, you wouldn't be feeling like this.

**sperosi** · 01-14-2010 03:03 AM

i do think that you need to reassess why you are jealous of someone on TV. I could see being a bit jealous if it were a neighbor he was gawking at, or a friend, or a co-worker. but being jealous of him looking at someone on TV just seems a bit much. and throwing the controller at the wall is way too much. stuff like that freaks guys out, especially when it involves the TV remote!

i think you have some underlying issues or concerns from what happened with him before that have not been completely resolved, and may be using this as a way of your subconscious bringing it up. maybe you need to sit down and figure out what is really still bothering you.

**Melephant** · 01-18-2010 10:18 PM

CW, i've not had therapy but i think i may look into it.. Well, i had a Swedish councillor years ago when i was 14 for the self harm and after having a second break-down but nothing really came of it. It pretty much just reminded me of my problems and made me feel worse.. But my man is so important to me, i do not want to mess this up so i will look into it, thank you.

As for positive affirmations about myself, i wouldn't know where to start. I have Body Dysmorphic Disorder (apparantly, but then just cos i have a different opinion of myself to most other people, they have to stick a label on it), Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and bouts of depression, so the only way i see myself is being a pain in the butt!
I think that's probably why i'm like this in my new relationship, actually. He constantly reassures me how gorgeous/sexy he thinks i am and he does get very passsionate about me -and not just in a sexual way.. But no matter how much reassurance i get it means nothing as i can't see it myself. I don't think i'm ugly anymore but i'm nothing special. It's just hard to believe someone like Matt can see me like he does, it seems unreal. I'm trying my best to not let things get to me and once or twice i've found myself thinking, 'Who cares what i think, Matt thinks i'm gorgeous so where's the problem?' I just wish that thought didn't float away so much.

Mes T, the odd thing about my fiance (and the other day i did sit down and confess all to him) is he said the jealousy didn't bother him. Like, he thought it was sweet and showed that i cared (???) I asked him if it doesn't even freak him out, like when i smashed the remote, and he said no! I've never known a man like him, i swear lol. But either way i am going to get this sorted as i'm driving myself crazy and THAT will end the relationship.
Thing is, i've dated other people but there's been no-one that i cared about this much. I've never been a jealous person, in any way, i know it's humanity's most pointless emotion and it's man-made. We didn't have this emotion when we were wild animals. I figure if it can be programmed into me, it can be programmed out of me too!
My last relationship before Matt was with a stripper for two years (ugh, i know..) and i was never naive enough to believe he would ever stay faithful to me but i was with him for two years. I admit i found it impossible to respect him, of course, but i did have feelings for him. Jealousy was never an issue for me then eventhough he must've been sleeping around, he was mixing with hundreds of girls a night, but it was still never an issue with him, or anyone else i've been with.
And it's not the way my man acts either.. i do trust him and the only time we're apart is when he's at work (with a load of other men, wearing ear muffs and goggles lol). He usually doesn't react when a pretty gilr comes on tv or whatever so i really can't blame my feelings on him at all, he is completely innocent.

Sperosi, i am just as freaked out by my behaviour as you lol, i know i'm being MORE than unreasonable, but i can't control it. I just don't want him thinking of someone hot on tv when he's with me, or maybe comparing me or whatever.. I have really small boobs for a start and i don't want him seeing any of the many near-nude woman on tv and wishing i was like them (it's bad enough that i do it), especially since i've lost so much weight recently, i'm sickeningly thin.
I do thing you have a point though, ducky, and i know i'm not quite 100% over what happened with us at the beginning but how do i get over it? I appreciate that we're together now and things are different, but he did hurt me. But i also know he hasn't forgiven himself for a lot of things either and i don't want to make him feel worse by bringing it up again.

Christ, that was a long reply, i apologise! But thank you all for your opinions and advice

**happy ending** · 01-19-2010 03:05 AM

you arent in love with him, so much as obsessed with him and i think that you are not being entirely honest about what he is doing to feed your obsession. he knows what presses your buttons and so does it, maybe to feed his insecurities, maybe for his own entertainment.
(edit)

**Melephant** · 01-19-2010 05:18 AM

No, i don't agree withthat at all. You're sooo wrong, it's scary.
We have each other's names tattooed on each other's chests, that's going a bit far if he was just playing me, by anybody's standards. I know he loves me, he makes me feel loved, his family love me, he's made so many sacrifices for me already and we're getting married next winter.

I am not obsessed with him. I know how i feel. I am obsessed by the competition of other women, i fully admit it, but i am not obsessed with him. He is my life. I quit my job and moved to the opposite end of the country for him, i would never make that and all the other sacrifices i have for someone unless i was sure. He makes me happy, he makes me feel worthy and like i'm actually worth something, we don't even fight. All the is in my head and that was my point. It's ME. Not him.

**sperosi** · 01-19-2010 04:25 PM

Originally Posted by Melephant

. . .

I do thing you have a point though, ducky, and i know i'm not quite 100% over what happened with us at the beginning but how do i get over it? I appreciate that we're together now and things are different, but he did hurt me. But i also know he hasn't forgiven himself for a lot of things either and i don't want to make him feel worse by bringing it up again.

Christ, that was a long reply, i apologise! But thank you all for your opinions and advice

ok, you discussed it with him, but it didnt seem to have come to closure for some reason. maybe there was a specific word or tone of voice or body language you saw, or more likely didnt see, that made you feel that you couldnt let that part go quite yet.

believe me, I am a huge offender when it comes to not letting things go. i focus on seeing or hearing one particular thing, and without it I dont seem to be able to get past it. it has caused an awful of grief with family and friends, and i try my best to let them know what my buttons are to get past this junk, but for some reason they dont see what I am trying to tell them. I know that part is my problem and I am trying to do better at letting people what it takes.

why do you feel you are not past that thing or things. what else did you need to see or hear?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-19-2010 09:08 PM

As for positive affirmations about myself, i wouldn't know where to start. I have Body Dysmorphic Disorder (apparantly, but then just cos i have a different opinion of myself to most other people, they have to stick a label on it), Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and bouts of depression, so the only way i see myself is being a pain in the butt!
I think that's probably why i'm like this in my new relationship, actually. He constantly reassures me how gorgeous/sexy he thinks i am and he does get very passsionate about me -and not just in a sexual way.. But no matter how much reassurance i get it means nothing as i can't see it myself. I don't think i'm ugly anymore but i'm nothing special. It's just hard to believe someone like Matt can see me like he does, it seems unreal. I'm trying my best to not let things get to me and once or twice i've found myself thinking, 'Who cares what i think, Matt thinks i'm gorgeous so where's the problem?' I just wish that thought didn't float away so much.

Personally? I don't see having a Obbession Compulsive Disorder means you are obsessed, it seems more like he's actually in love with you, as your fiancee and accepts all that your doing.

I do see your sprialing out of control, that being that your running in circles with yourself, on one hand you do things that are filled with jealousy and if you throw the remote, anger, but on the other hand you acknowledge this and don't like it, don't want to be that way, don't want to do it. That's got to be a very big positive as well as the fact your fiance accepts it and sees it as "love".

Certainly to a degree, it's cute to re-act and it does show love, but it is a problem that can get worse and worse if you can't breathe and tap in and stop it.

Affirmations your correct would be maybe too early to do

Councelling though about why you feel this way, which maybe seems to be BDD, which is a lable but I'd just call it " in-security and I think we all have that, but if you have too much of it, it can make you jealous, angry, think of the past all sorts and cause depression.

I think you need to built your self esteme and perhaps read books, really see yourself in the mirror and know your beauitful. If you weren't he'd still be treating you the way he did in 2008 but he's not, he's fallen for you and treating you very well. People can learn from their mistakes...

Perhaps really get diagnosed cause I am thinking a strong in-security which is causing all the other problems.

And, then seek help in learning how to control it.

Good luck sweet.

CW

**Melephant** · 01-19-2010 10:04 PM

Thanks girls.

Sperosi, the amount of BS that went on with us i guess is just hard for me to forget. I don't know why, i have forgiven him cos a lot has happened since then but i just can't forget. He asked me what i want him to do and i had no answer. I expect or ask nothing of him, he's apologised, he's changed.. It's just something i have to get over but i don't know how. I've always had a hard time trusting people, but i trusted him almost straight away and then look what happened. That amount of BS and betrayal is not something i can get over easily, i guess.

CW, i agree that my OCD has nothing to do with how i feel about Matt. It means i like things clean and organised -not qualities that he has, he's a pain in the butt lol. Whether my passion to be with him means love or not, what matters is that i FEEL love for him.
Thing is -though i completely agree with what you're saying- i did used to be secure and confident, i was very happy when we first got together.. i think we all have times where we feel we're not good enough, pretty enough and all that.. i had it for a good few years at one point and was diagnosed with BDD and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder but refused to get professional help cos, well.. i was like 14. An idiot. I got a bit better and learned to accept that, whatever i think about my appearance, there are many who disagree so it didn't seem such an issue. Then when i got with Matt i completely changed, seriously people were stunned.
I was confident, chatty, completely comfortable with myself and other people's company.. But recently things have changed. I get jealous now and my feelings about myself are back to how they used to be and i don't know why.
A lot has happened that has made me weak, i get it, but how do i get back to where i was? Matt isn't being any different towards me than he's ever been since our relationship started, he's just as sweet, passionate and complementary. He has nothing to do with it. Infact, and i'm not having a go, but from now on please no mention of him from now on (as in any attacks on him), it's not fair when he's not here to defend himself.

Thanks again for your advice and opinions

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