Anxiety and relationships

**holetoledo** · 01-24-2010 07:19 PM

I've suffered from anxiety and depression since I was in high school, when my parents divorced. It used to be really bad -- I'd get terrifying ones if a bus got too crowded. But lately I found that it's transferred out of public situations and more into intimate ones.

First off, I get really anxious during sex. If there isn't a lot of kissing and/or foreplay first, whatever hole that we plan on getting penetrated tenses up. It really hurts especially when we have anal sex.

Secondly, I get anxious when I don't see my boyfriend for long periods of time. I know that he's got a busy schedule (he's in theatre and he's a student senator and he's part of a lot of committees at school, and then he has classes; our schedules clash a lot so the most I get to see him most days are an hour or less during lunch), but my mind can't seem to take it. It feels like the worst kind of separation anxiety. I noticed that I seem to have attached myself to him a lot, and I am actually prone to doing this with other friends, too, ever since the divorce.

I feel kind of pathetic, but I'm almost 22 and I have PTSD from a divorce. It feels silly and embarrassing to me when I have to talk about it with someone (like a friend or a therapist) and I just burst out crying. Even when I just think about it, it brings me to tears.

I think I am doing a lot better lately with this separation anxiety thing, though. But that's because this year, I actually have a busy schedule. When I didn't last year, I would go nuts and I'd start silly fights about how we don't get to talk that much (but I know that in reality, he has tried to make time for me with his schedule). All of it had/has made me overly neurotic, especially when he's hanging out with friends or getting drunk. My mind would make up the worst scenarios, but in the background, I know he would never do anything to hurt me. Even in his drunkest of states, he has always kept me in the back of his mind, so I know that he is someone worth trusting.

Yet my brain reacts as if he isn't? I don't understand what's going on.

**mdraven380** · 01-24-2010 09:41 PM

Anxiety is a horrible feeling. I understand how you feel but can't offer much advise because I have been going through those same feelings for over 35 yrs. I've been on several different medications. Ativan is the only one that helps me a little. Almost my whole family has passed away and I'm extremely attached to my bf even though I've only been with him 3 months, when I am not with him I feel a great deal of seperation anxiety.Everyone tells me that I need to keep myself more busy so I guess that's the key. I haven't been able to solve this issue but I hope you can feind some relief.

**sourpuss** · 01-27-2010 08:43 AM

Can you go to a counselor at your school for a few sessions just to talk about it and maybe come up with some solutions to the problem? How is your self esteem?

**toffeecrisp** · 01-31-2010 12:47 PM

Hi there!

Waw, sounds like you've had a real tuff old time of it emotionally

Sorry to hear that....

I can relate to many things you've mentioned in this post - parents seperating, depression and anxiety. I have to stress that all these things you're feeling will pass and you will get much better!

I think the problem is being stuck in that moment when you're parents got divorced - which for anyone is such a huge life event. I think you really need to focus on acceptance and moving forward which believe me I know isn't easy, but it's very important.

A lot of people think that acceptable and moving forward is like pretending that everything is ok and saying that all the hurt you've experienced is all ok - when it really isn't that at all. Acceptance is saying 'I think enough of myself to let go and I've been hurting enough and it needs to stop'. It doesn't mean that everything in your past will be forgotten as it's a part of who you are - but right now it's a big negative part of who you are and you really need to change that if you're ever going to move forward.

I found a really good thing for me was to always keep a project or something on the go. At the time I decided to re-decorate my bedroom, it sounds like something small but it helped to take my mind off how I felt and got me focussing on something positive, which is *so* important.

You mentioned about having anxiety when your boyfriend goes out and also when you are intimate - I think a lot of that stems from lack of self respect, if you loved yourself you would know that when he goes out he isn't going to do anything to hurt you because you are a great catch! And when it comes to being intimate, have you talked to your boyfriend about this? As you'd be amazing how just talking about these things can make such a difference...as quite often things blow up in your mind and become 10 times worse than what they actually are!

I hope some of that helps

Best of luck!

**holetoledo** · 02-04-2010 05:56 PM

Originally Posted by sourpuss

Can you go to a counselor at your school for a few sessions just to talk about it and maybe come up with some solutions to the problem? How is your self esteem?

I've talked to a couple counselors, actually... From what I've told them, they say that I've focused so much on my parents' divorce and taking care of them individually that I actually forgot about myself. To this day, I never really feel comfortable when a situation arises where I have to choose between taking care of myself or taking care of someone else. If I chose to take care of myself instead of, say, giving someone a ride because no one else has a car available, I feel super guilty.

**holetoledo** · 02-04-2010 05:58 PM

Originally Posted by toffeecrisp

You mentioned about having anxiety when your boyfriend goes out and also when you are intimate - I think a lot of that stems from lack of self respect, if you loved yourself you would know that when he goes out he isn't going to do anything to hurt you because you are a great catch! And when it comes to being intimate, have you talked to your boyfriend about this? As you'd be amazing how just talking about these things can make such a difference...as quite often things blow up in your mind and become 10 times worse than what they actually are!

Unfortunately, the only times it ever comes up is if we are intimate and I am tense and he accidentally hurts me. Sometimes I am really shy about saying it hurts, so he asked me to think of a safeword, and I made one up and now I'm too shy to use the safeword! It frustrates me and I am sure it is very frustrating to him.

But lately he goes slow... I just hate the fact that he feels he must go slow because he has observed how nervous I get instead of me telling him that I'm nervous and telling him to go slow.

**Allister** · 02-06-2010 01:50 PM

There are a few things you have to do. See a counselor. You said you've already seen a couple and they identified the problem. But that's not enough. You need someone to help you work through the problem. Yes, you cry and it's embarrassing. Vulnerability isn't easy for many people, myself included. But if you want to heal, you have to do it. In addition to focusing on others before yourself, it sounds like you have some abandonment issues which need to be addressed.

Next, see a doctor. Pain during intercourse can be psychological, or due to other things. Here's a link which may be helpful: (edit)
Finally, I'm concerned that you are shy about telling your boyfriend when you're in pain. That makes me think you aren't entirely comfortable with him. If you're going to be having intercourse with someone, you should be comfortable with him or her. And if it only happens when there hasn't been much foreplay, tell him. Tell him you need to get warmed up adequately first. If he has any concern for you, he will understand and act accordingly.