Beating myself up

**Airmans Sweetie** · 02-07-2010 05:43 PM

for as long as i can remember i have always beat myself up. if i screw up, i will be myself up for months, even years. i can tell u in detail times i have screwed up 5 years ago & i still beat myself up for it. i can't seem to accept ne mistakes or accidents i make. i can admit i made a mistake, but i can't forgive myself for it. today i was on the phone with my mom who was upset & needed someone to talk to. well my hubby was talking to me & our buddy was talking to me, while i was on the phone trying my hardest to give my upset mother my full attention, not to mention that my husband was asking me to perform 5 actions during all this. so i was very distracted & hadn't noticed the camera was up on the fence & wen i shut the gate it fell to the ground hard! i broke it! i was super mad at myself wen i found out. so we had to go buy a replacement.......$458 later we have a new camera....that we wouldn't have had to buy if i hadn't broken ours! much less, i have a extremely hard time spending money. ex: last month my husband had got force me to buy hot dog wienies that were on sale & that i wanted. i couldn't bring myself to buy a package of 69 cent hot dogs! & i beat myself up for it for weeks for buying them. so now i am so frustrated & upset cause i broke the camera & because i broke it we had to spend money which upsets me. i'm so bothered by it that i can't think of ne thing else & i'm not having a panic attack but it stresses me out sooooooo bad that i'm close.
my husband has tried many times to tell me not to beat myself up. he tries everytime i do this & no matter how hard i try i can't stop myself. it's so bad that even my dear father in law knows that i do such a good job at beating myself up that i don't need ne one else to tell me that i made a mistake. he has told me it isn't healthy & i know it isn't but i just can't get over it.
y am i like this, y can't i forgive myself or ever let it go?

**Texinator** · 02-07-2010 10:59 PM

Were you reminded of every little mistake you made when you were a kid?

Or maybe are you a perfectionist, someone who has to get everything perfect 100% of the time? Maybe both?

The thing about making mistakes is that nothing you feel or do will allow you to go back in time and force a different outcome. The broken camera will not magically fix itself, no matter how much you beat up on yourself.

Of course breaking an expensive camera will make you feel stupid. But the trick is to try to channel your disappointment into learning from your mistake and striving not to make the mistake again.

Another thing is that you have to remember you had 'help' in breaking the camera. You were trying to talk to three people at once. It annoys me if I'm on the phone and someone else starts talking to me, primarily because it's difficult for me to concentrate on multiple conversations, not to mention that I find it rude if someone sees I'm on the phone and still decides to interrupt my conversation.

**Airmans Sweetie** · 02-08-2010 12:38 AM

i dont' think i am a perfectionist, but i do believe i am a bit ocd. i have to do things in a certain order, things have to b done a certain way, i obsess over things till they get done, & if they don't get done in a certain time frame i will have a panic attack. i clean obsessively like 4 - 9 hours in a day & 4 -6 days a week, i don't like to much change in my routines (i have gotten better about that though), i map my days out a week in advance, i am constantly running numbers in my head. i lay awake at night calculating bills, spending, & future spending. i have to have thing in a certain spot or i have to fix it (this is y i can't deal with my hubby loading the dishwasher, i absolutely can not let the dishwasher run if i know they r not put just right). there is more but it just goes on & on. i obsess over bills the most, but i think it isn't a bad thing that i am very aware of them. the only problem that comes with the bills & my other obsessive things is the panic attacks. & i do beat myself up with some of this. things i have to do r constantly running through my head, it could b a month b4 i have to get something done but i constantly think about it.

i mean i know that no amount of hoping & wishing would have brought me back in time to fix it & i know that it happen on accident. i understand that it happened & that multiple things contributed to this. but something inside just keeps telling me that i screwed up & i had to spend money which makes me feel even more like a screw up.

i think my issues with spending money stems from the fact that growing up (even though i am only 21) i have never had money....never. so wen i do have money i constantly feel the urge to save save save save! so wen i do spend it's like i just failed. even if it is something such as food for the month, i feel horrible absolutely horrible....i hate myself for getting food to feed me & my husband.

some of my problems maybe that for 18 years of my life, i have always been apologizing. i love my mom but we can't live near each other or with one another, but wen i did live with her....i never did ne thing right so i was constantly apologizing for all my wrong doings. i would do wat i was told but it was never right. she would sometimes lose it & sit on me & hit me. & before i lived with my mom, i lived with my dad who beat the living crud out of me (physical & mental damage still there to this day). my dad is one of those ppl who his word is law & he is always right. i have stood up to my dad & my mother many times since moving away from them, but i still feel the need to constantly apologize for things to everyone. it's like even years after being out of that awful mess, i still feel like i am always doing something wrong. i am constantly apologizing to my husband, he ask y. i tell him idk. he tells me not to cause i haven't done ne thing wrong.

i believe my possible ocd (in some areas) comes from my mother, she lived like a pack rat. stuff stacked to the ceilings & goat paths. it is a complete mess, we were late for everything, & it was my fault the house was dirty.
idk, those r some theories as to y i am the way i am, & just talking about it really makes me want to cry.

wen i make mistakes, i punish myself, mentally, very badly. i feel dumb & embarrassed & angry with myself. & then i start thinking of all the mistakes & dumb things i have done over the years.

idk i just wish i could stop doing this to myself but i just don't know how
sry for the long rant

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-08-2010 04:51 AM

never did ne thing right so i was constantly apologizing for all my wrong doings. i would do wat i was told but it was never right. she would sometimes lose it & sit on me & hit me. & before i lived with my mom, i lived with my dad who beat the living crud out of me (physical & mental damage still there to this day). my dad is one of those ppl who his word is law & he is always right. i have stood up to my dad & my mother many times since moving away from them, but i still feel the need to constantly apologize for things to everyone

.

Oh sweetheart. The OCD is secondary. It's become part of you so that you "get things right"..

The core problem is what your parents did to you....They have destroyed your childhood, made you feel inadequate, no self worth but you know? You've found a man that says otherwise. And, a Father-in-law that agrees

You need to see someone. You need to set yourself free and realise that it was your parents fault NOT yours, it was.

You are a different person.. You are being loved now.. And, it's their problem, their choices, their grief, and see that clearly... You are no longer a part of it, you are now 21 and you know what?

I suspect that you would be told from a councellor to NOT speak to your Mum and Dad for the time being....

They are still a part of what happened, even now..

You need to be "free" and just be you without this past.. You need to walk into your present and love your future.

I think as much as people "should" regardless be in touch with their parents, if they are toxic, forget it. How can you honestly progress and be happy and be you? You can't, it's still forfront in your mind.

Time to let them go for a bit, then let go of what they did, see the beauty in who you are and in a husband that understands.

Smile and say out loud:-

"I AM DIFFERENT"
"I LOVE AND AM LOVED"

Over and over and over and over and over again

**Airmans Sweetie** · 02-08-2010 02:54 PM

my dad would most definitely b easier to let go of than my mom.
honestly, i don't love my dad. i accept that he is my father & i respect him as a person but not as my father. he has absolutely been a big source of the reason y me & my sister have issues. after my dad & his then girlfriend ignored that i was even alive & mentally tortured me for a month & then beat me for 24 hours, i was able to get out of my dad's home. then later after my dad's then girlfriend left him a month or two later, my dad started using my sister like she was his girlfriend or wife (not sexually but he mentally treated her like that). & i myself can't ever forgive my sister or my dad. for obvious reasons about my dad, but my sister was laughing about me getting beat & called her friends to joke about it, while i was being beat. she just laughed at me....she didn't save me or help.....she laughed.
the only reason i still talk to my dad is (this will sound horrible but it is the truth) is cause i have a 79 Z28 at his house & if i anger him or not talk to him (even if i don't talk to him for more than a week he gets angry & says i don't love him) then i could lose it. that & his land which i am trying to get my hands on for the future. those r the only reasons i continue to talk to him.
my dad never talks about wat he did & i'm pretty sure he assumes i forgave him. but he acts like it never happen & no one on my dad's side of the family talks about it. they did brain damage (they grabbed my hair & slammed my head into a wall a few times purposely) to me for gosh sakes, but they just ignore it like it was just another ordinary day wtf!
my mom would b hard to not talk to. my mom is literally my best friend right now. my husband is using my car till his car is drivable again. so i have no job & once aaron leaves for work, i'm stuck at the house. we moved here in august of 09 & because of all this i haven't made ne real friends here yet. so my mom has been my best friend. we get along much better since we live so far apart (me = california her = texas). but she has helped us financially & me emotionally wen me & my hubby had financial problems. idk, my mom still tries to tell me wat to do but i just tell her no & if she doesnt want to listen to that then i just ignore her & don't do it still. she still blames me for the house & says i was a raiser. which when i was living with her towards the end of that 18 years, i can very vividly remember feeling like i was going insane because of how controlled i was & i was constantly getting grounded for nonsense so i was stuck at home & i tried so hard many times to talk to her & she wouldn't listen. i felt like i was going to lose my mind & never get it back....i simple just wanted to be heard. & still to this day she tries things. wen i moved out, she wouldn't give me my social security card or my birth certificate or ne of my medical stuff (important in the fact that i have had multiple surgeries). i got around that by claiming them lost & getting new ones. but as i have explained to my husband, i have lived my whole life figuring out how to just get by each day. i had to learn how to get around my parents for the most basic things. it wasn't like i was going out & partying, doing drugs, or having sex with strangers, i wasn't even sneaking out. i was just trying to take care of myself. idk it a very long & difficult tale, & i realize that i never want that life i had again. i still cry over the beatings & i know that if this stuff ever happened to me again i would leave in a heartbeat. there is no way i could handle it happening to me again, i would have to b admitted to the ward.
ne ways back to mom, i just don't think i could not talk to mom, she has been my only friend for months now. idk it is very very difficult.
wen i was a kid my mom took me to many psychologist & it helped but i still feel such horrible pain from the events of my childhood. & even wen i told my psychologist about my mom sitting on me & hitting me & feeling like i was gonna lose my sanity....i was told my mom was right & that i should just act right.....so i wasn't heard then either.
this is all very hard to talk about & i feel bad right now thinking about all this. i remember everything so well that day at my dad's even down to how well the room was lite, wat lights were on, the bruises, & the exact spot where they bashed my head on the wall, i can see the grain from the wood walls in my head. i just wish i could forget it all

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-08-2010 03:12 PM

Your Mother more than likely suffered from the same hand, seeing as she also hit you and was controlling.

Hun, your only young and probably unfortunately, only time is going to heal all of this.

Affirmations are wonderful things. " I am not like my parents, I forgive what they did, It's sad that they are the way they are, I am beautiful"...

Our mind is powerful, write this down and post it where you can constantly see it.

I am not sure if your Mother is doing what she is doing out of guilt, or change. But, I am certain that if she has become your best friend for the last few months but never before, then keep that distance between you in living, and keep the newfound bond in check. It may be that she also has no one and can relate to you... Which is okay... but if she ever starts putting you down and making you feel "un-safe" you may have to take a break.

You MUST start to find new friends outside your husband. You NEED to start to communicate to the outside world. It's the only way you can live a happy life, staying in your shell and thinking only of past, is going to keep you there. It's time to move ahead with your present and your future.

the only reason i still talk to my dad is (this will sound horrible but it is the truth) is cause i have a 79 Z28 at his house & if i anger him or not talk to him (even if i don't talk to him for more than a week he gets angry & says i don't love him) then i could lose it. that & his land which i am trying to get my hands on for the future. those r the only reasons i continue to talk to him.

Your Father is toxic. He has a streak about him, that I don't like. He is very controlling, emotionally, physically abusive.. Do not ever, ever, ever, think of the 79Z28, have your husband rid of it. I would dearly like you to go back and speak to someone again now. This scares me that you have contempt for him, such wild rage anger inside, that may surfice and explode one day and cause a major problem, that you can't get out of if you know what I mean.

As for the Land, make your own wealth.. He can be evil and leave it to anyone, and not you...

And, personally, I think you need to cut all ties with him and tell him, you do not love him, respect him, you have not forgotten and you will work on doing so, and he can no longer play a part in your life.

CW

**Hopeless Dork** · 02-08-2010 03:32 PM

I use to do this all the time, then I finally realized that it wasn't making anything better. Making myself miserable for things I can not do one thing to reverse... only makes me feel bad. If there are things I can do to correct what I did wrong - I make every effort. But I do not dwell on that which is done and gone. I've made many mistakes in my life from breaking things to ones with a life altering consequences and in all of them there is one constant.. I can't turn back the clock - there are no re-do's in life.

But I can learn from what I do, I can think on it for a moment and ask myself what I could do if I'm ever faced with that situation again... and then I got to let it go and move forward.

**Airmans Sweetie** · 02-08-2010 05:39 PM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

Your Mother more than likely suffered from the same hand, seeing as she also hit you and was controlling.

Hun, your only young and probably unfortunately, only time is going to heal all of this.

Affirmations are wonderful things. " I am not like my parents, I forgive what they did, It's sad that they are the way they are, I am beautiful"...

Our mind is powerful, write this down and post it where you can constantly see it.

I am not sure if your Mother is doing what she is doing out of guilt, or change. But, I am certain that if she has become your best friend for the last few months but never before, then keep that distance between you in living, and keep the newfound bond in check. It may be that she also has no one and can relate to you... Which is okay... but if she ever starts putting you down and making you feel "un-safe" you may have to take a break.

You MUST start to find new friends outside your husband. You NEED to start to communicate to the outside world. It's the only way you can live a happy life, staying in your shell and thinking only of past, is going to keep you there. It's time to move ahead with your present and your future.

Your Father is toxic. He has a streak about him, that I don't like. He is very controlling, emotionally, physically abusive.. Do not ever, ever, ever, think of the 79Z28, have your husband rid of it. I would dearly like you to go back and speak to someone again now. This scares me that you have contempt for him, such wild rage anger inside, that may surfice and explode one day and cause a major problem, that you can't get out of if you know what I mean.

As for the Land, make your own wealth.. He can be evil and leave it to anyone, and not you...

And, personally, I think you need to cut all ties with him and tell him, you do not love him, respect him, you have not forgotten and you will work on doing so, and he can no longer play a part in your life.

CW

i do believe wat u say about my mom. & i have shut her down a few times b4 wen she became over controlling, she has issues wen it comes to money, her & my dad both, dad is worse though. there has been more than on occasion wen i came across larger amounts of money (like unclaimed money from b4 i moved out from my mom's, that had my name on it) & she tries to tell me i owe it to her for everything & goes to no end to try & get it. i shut her down. she tries stuff like that & it has come between us. but in the end we do seem to get things back together. my dad just does wat ever the he wants & it is right no matter wat. he spent $7,000 dollars of my money that i had saved up as a kid up to the age of 11. he did it knowingly because he wanted to spite me for going to live with my mom after they beat me. i know he did it to spite me because his mother (my grandmother) told me in detail y he did it. my family is pretty messed up & i know it. i don't understand them & i have tried but i just don't get it.
the only reason i stick around for that z28 is cause ever since i was a little girl that car has been my dream & i don't want one j**** standing in my way. the land isn't as important to me as the car, for one the land is in trust so it can only go to family (blood only, not family by marriage). either way i wouldn't b to upset if i didn't get it but it would b a nice bonus. i wouldn't feel bad to drop my dad like a hot cake the minute i got that car. idk, the car means more to me than my dad does.
even if i did get the land, i would probably level the house. there is no way i could live in that house cause all i see is everything i remember from that day. i do have alot of anger towards my dad & i feel like i always will. i dont think i can ever forgive him for wat he did & then him telling me & everyone that i wasn't his daughter for a year after. i don't think i can forgive him for ignoring wat he did to me or that he took it upon himself to think i have forgiven him. i don't say ne thing to him about it cause i don't want to deal with his cr**. idk i really do feel like i hate him but i don't want to say that.

i have thought about going to talk to someone about it, but i just don't want ne meds or to hear again wat i was told by previous psychologist. it is super hard to say all this out loud. i'm crying while writing all this & writing has always been a better way of expressing myself, but to actually speak the words "i haven't gotten over being beat" is much harder.
heck last night i tried to tell aaron about this thread & i did fine all the way till the point of talking about my childhood. my husband knows of what happened to me & wat my parents have done to me. but he doesn't know everything because i hurt to much to even talk to ne one about it, even my own husband. all he knows is the little i have told him & that every time i even get to close to the subject i start crying. he knows how much pain & how deep it goes in me. it something i just don't talk about & this is the first time i have ever told this much, aaron doesnt even know that i remember every little detail of that night.

& most definitely i need to get out more but it is very hard wen even the neighborhood u live in is to sketchy. we don't live in a super bad neighborhood, but to say the least i wouldn't trust ne one around here to watch our chickens without taking half the fence back home with them.......
idk of ne other ways to make friends whilst i don't have a car u know.

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

I use to do this all the time, then I finally realized that it wasn't making anything better. Making myself miserable for things I can not do one thing to reverse... only makes me feel bad. If there are things I can do to correct what I did wrong - I make every effort. But I do not dwell on that which is done and gone. I've made many mistakes in my life from breaking things to ones with a life altering consequences and in all of them there is one constant.. I can't turn back the clock - there are no re-do's in life.

But I can learn from what I do, I can think on it for a moment and ask myself what I could do if I'm ever faced with that situation again... and then I got to let it go and move forward.

i am going to try harder to forgive myself of the mistakes i have made. i just don't think i know how to flip the switch wen i start beating myself up. luckily my hubby gives me much support so i have a ground on which to build on

CW i am going to try the to tell myself more that i am strong & loved & loving & beautiful.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-08-2010 06:04 PM

CW i am going to try the to tell myself more that i am strong & loved & loving & beautiful.

I CAN DO IT... "try" is half/half.

Talk to your Husband, I think it's time, your getting it out here and I think that's what you need to do in order to finally let go.

Um, on that car? I thought it was a gun haha. Sorry, at least I am honest

**Airmans Sweetie** · 02-08-2010 06:15 PM

it's all good, american car, probably should have clarified it since u r in australia.

yes try is a half/half word! i WILL do it!
fixing to go make sticky notes for all over the house!

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