Messed up woman sees no future

**desperatehousewive** · 03-29-2010 12:18 PM

How do I get out of this? I was married (but never felt married), have kids, got divorced, ex let house foreclose, had to move in with parents. I have low paying job and can't affroed to move out. I am also in school but have no motivation to even go.

Everytime I look at my parents I just see boringness, miserable, depressing people. Whenever they are home, all I want to do is lie in bed all day, turn up my air purifier (to block out all noise of them) and i have no motivation for anything. I feel complete and utter anger, frustration, i want to break things., I have no control over my kids (they take charge) and treat me as if I dont' exist. The only time I feel somewhat normal is when they leave the house. When they do leave it's usually only for an hour (I hate it, they always seem to rush back). Right when the door closes and they are gone, I suddenly jump up and start cleaning,. About once or twice a year they go out of town and I am extremely excited when they do, I feel so relaxed, energetic, and FREE!!!

They have always watched my kids (everyone says my parents are so nice and wonderful and i am so lucky) but I hate them! They do so much for me I can hardly breathe. They pay for my kids to go to private schools, buy them whatever they want , but I practically on welfare. It would be so much healthier for me to move out but I have no money, and don't see an end in sight. I am so depressed I can't do anything. I have been on and off anti=depressants for years. When i moved in with parents, I was actually off of them, but had to resume taking them because of the stress. I am now on the highest dose I have ever been on. I also stayed married so long because I knew if I divorced him i would be stuck moving in with my parents, and I didn't want that to happen.

When people say they love their parents even though they drive you crazy, I just have to smile, because I really have no idea what they are talking about. I really don't love them and never have.

My ex hardly pays child suport, and hardly ever sees kids. I don't really want them to see him anyway since he is such a bad influence.

I feel mad at myself for ever dating my ex, mad that I didnt' get a good job sooner if life, that I hardly have any friends,..I feel like I am so old now and can't do anything to change this. I have been reading books on success to try and get me motivated, but whenever my parents are near me, I just want to crawl back in bed. Every day i wake up I have such big plans, and then none of it ever happens when I see them. They make me sick. They are no one I ever want to be like, but I guess I am since I've had to look at them for 40 years.

**KMonte85** · 03-29-2010 12:37 PM

It seems like your medications are not helping you and you need to work through your depression before you can start enjoying life again. Are there any counseling services you could seek out? Perhaps through a womens shelter, or your school?

I think you need to speak with someone about your depression and your angry feelings towards your family. I'm sure living with your parents is difficult, but you should appreciate that they are willing to take you in and support you when you had nowhere to go, that they are paying for your children to have a priviliged education. Instead you are focusing on the negatives of your relationship with them, and that just feeds further into your depression. Same goes for your feelings towards your children. It sets you into a self-fulling prophecy of unhappiness and failure.

Please seek out someone to help you. If you can't afford to pay for a counsellor, or if insurance won't pay for one, then seek out reduced cost or free services that are offered in your area.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-29-2010 07:25 PM

I know you know I am right, you HAVE IT IN YOU... You just need to find the way..

It's easily said than done, for sure... And, it seems that the things that are making this worse is your parents, that being that your living with them and you don't feel that love for them, your depression is wanting that "Free" time, no one there, just you, that's when you feel the most motivated to try.

I think it's fantastic that your reading books that your trying, that it's in you that you feel it.

You have Welfare, Child Support, how old are the children?

Do you think your parents would still help you at least with their schooling if you were no longer there?

I appreciate you didn't have schooling but can you do something online? A course to start with? Something you know you could achieve and work towards getting a job.

It's never too late and you don't need to continually feel like this...

You have to take one step at a time, to see which step you should take first, baby steps but you have to start somewhere.

CW

**eleni** · 04-02-2010 01:41 PM

it sounds a bit like everything is getting on top you.
and i can see why...
can you try and have words with your parents about your children and your financial situation?
it sounds to me like they're getting a bit spoiled
sorry, thats probably not what you wanted to hear
its one thing for your parents to pay for their education
thats an amazing thing to do
but giving them anything they could ever want while you are on welfare is creating an imbalance of power.
it sounds like they view you as almost surplus to requirements because their grandparents are in charge of giving them things and i assume that they dont discipline them and thats left to you?
kids can be thoughtless.

do you make enough money to pay rent on something?
do your kids live with you and your parents or do they board at school?
maybe you could ask your parents to loan you the money for a deposit/bond whatever on a flat, i know being in debt to your parents sucks.
at any age.
but if they would be willing to do that then it sounds like you would be a lot better off in a place of your own.

living with your parents is stressful
im finding it stressful living there part time and im twenty four
i find myself reverting to being a teenager around them
getting resentful about stupid things like the washing up
which is nothing.

it doesnt sound like your antidepressants are working.
can you ask for something else? which one are you on?
it sounds like you could use some councelling to help you work out ways of working out better ways to react to your parents and the stress living with them is causing you.

you are not too old.
my mum did a teaching qualification and now she has a whole new life and she's fifty two.
my nan got a new boyfriend ten years after my grandad died and now she has a whole new circle of friends and breeds gun dogs. she's eighty eight. its possible to change thing regardless of how old you are...

like CW said - baby steps.
you can get yourself out of this
but you cant do it by yourself.

take care and keep talking okay? x