Is it bad to run away?

**brianna** · 03-29-2010 09:36 PM

I still don't know how to deal with my uncle's sickness. You all gave some great advice last time and it helped

, but I just don't know if I can cope with the reality of hearing him talk about it all day long. Last time I went home from school to visit my family I had to avoid him the last day because I couldn't take it anymore. Why does it even bother me so much? I guess it makes me angry and sad and helpless and I'm sick of it.

I love my uncle. I love spending time with him, but I'm scared that this is going to destroy our relationship b/c I can't handle hearing about his sickness 24/7. I know it's my fault and I ought to just put him first but I don't know how. Should I just stay away for a while and try to avoid him without hurting his feelings? I don't want to run away, but I also don't know how to accept the fact that he's terminally ill.

Am I just being selfish and stupid? I'm so confused right now, and when I told him that it bothers me that he talks about it constantly he said it's just his way of dealing with it. I don't want to hurt him, either, though. I don't know when I should take care of him and when I should take care of myself. Sorry for making this so long and confusing, but I just had to get my thoughts out...thanks for reading.

**MissMeSha810** · 03-29-2010 10:03 PM

Hello sweety and I am so sorry to hear of his illness. I don't thing being away from him at this time would be a good idea. You do need some time to yourself, but try not to shut him out completely. I'm sure that he needs you and everyone around him. Some people deal with things different ways, some block their illness out and pretend it doesn't exist. Others like to discuss what they are going through and what new information they have learned. Be patient with him and try to do different things together to take his mind off of his illness so that he may not talk about it as much. You're not being selfish, but sometimes when you have a relative who is ill or terminally ill, you will shut yourself out hoping that it will hurt less or that you can block it out, when in reality you will be even more hurt when that person is gone and you will regret losing out on the time you did not spend with him. It's good sometimes to just sit and write and rant to get your feelings out in the open and we're always here with an open ear. Stay in touch sister and I hope all the best for you and your uncle

**brianna** · 03-29-2010 10:07 PM

Thank you so much MissMeSha, I really needed to hear that

I know I'll just hurt him and myself even more if I try to avoid the situation...but it is tempting b/c it's so tough to deal with. I don't want to upset him, though, and I don't want to have any regrets later.

**MissMeSha810** · 03-29-2010 10:14 PM

That's good. I'm just glad I could help.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-30-2010 02:01 AM

I know it's my fault

No sweetness, it's not your fault.

You know? People handle things differently, we are ALL different in how we handle things.

What you need to understand is that he is older, mature, soulful and UNDERSTANDS exactly how people are reacting, feeling and taking it..

It's not easy, it's never easy...

The fact your not dealing with it is an expression of love... Have you ever thought about that?

In addition, death is a horrible thing, it's inevitable in life.. It's understandable that people react in different ways and as he's a mature person "he gets it"...

Don't beat yourself up...

I think off by memory we said, tell him you love him.

That is all you will ever have to do, that is what he will know and will take with him one day in the future... And, you can always rest in that knowing ok.

Talk to people ... it will help you, here or with your family about how your feeling, don't carry this on your shoulders, you are not in the wrong, it's normal and your normal and a beautiful person for worrying....

CW

**brianna** · 03-30-2010 06:20 AM

Thank you, CW...I always felt bad about worrying b/c so many people in my life just 'have faith' that everything will be okay and I don't have that kind of faith. (I know ultimately everything will be fine, but that doesn't make right now any easier!)

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-31-2010 03:45 PM

Your not "those people" and you do have faith, but you also have "worry". We are individual people, no two people are the same

It's okay to be you remember that............

I am sure if you stepped out of "those people" and hopefully people here will reply to this part, alot of people are like you, need to run and hide, when death is at the doorstep of those we love..

I definately don't think your alone.

Faith is a different thing.. They are saying, they are aware of the inevitable and nothing you can do about it and so, they go with the flow and be there, but your probably a deep soul with alot of love to give, and so you find it hard..

CW

**WildChild** · 03-31-2010 04:36 PM

Can you redirect him? It's one thing to talk about it, let people know how you are doing and what need. It's quite another to obsess about it, it's not healthy.
Ask him questions. Does him have any hobbies or strong interests? Try get him to talk about those. Ask him about his life growing up, what does he know about the family history?
Ask his opinion on things, anything to more him into talking about something else and every time he goes back to his health. Make a neutral comment and then go back to another subject.
He'll feel better if he can think about other things.

**eleni** · 04-02-2010 01:25 PM

i like wildchilds advice
when you're ill its so so easy to get trapped in the cycle of *only* talking about that and feeling that thats all your life is.
good luck
x

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