How can I stop talking about things I want to keep private?

**keyboardtapper** · 05-08-2010 11:27 PM

Hi, I am new to the site and forums so forgive me asking such a trivial question when I know there are people with real problems on here.

I am almost out of years of depression. I have been under psychiatrists and counsellors but time has helped so much more. Whilst I was really bad my mum dealt with all my finances and forms because I couldn't. I realise I let myself become very dependent on her emotionally (and her on me) because there was no one else in either of our lives who would help.

Now I'm at the stage where I want to act like an adult, (it started in my teenage years) and feel like an adult. But everytime something happens that's important to me e.g. I find someone I really like, I feel the need to tell my mum. This is a major problem for me because I'm naturally a really private person and I want to only share certain things with certain people. Me and my mum have opposite opinions on most things so my disclosure doesn't even help because she doesn't understand where I'm coming from. I know this is my problem and not hers and she has always been there for me, but I feel like a stupid kid everytime I tell her something.

I have got over the shame of feeling teenager-type emotions in my thirties because I know my emotional development was stopped due to my illness. But I'm so ashamed of myself everytime I disclose these feelings to my mum, especially as she reminds me of what I've said at a later date. I want to be able to keep things to myself that I don't want to share, not blab it all out. Any ideas?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-09-2010 01:10 AM

I think that because you and your Mum are different with your thoughts/opinions, when you tell her things, she still sees you as a teenager, and trys to deter you from what you are thinking, and she makes you feel silly.

Your obviously screaming to finally be you as you know yourself now and good for you.

Start a Diary, "A locked one

" and write your thoughts in there instead. You have then stated the situation, but to yourself. And, you can re-read it and question it and see if that's the road you want to take.

Your seeking approval because you've always spoken to her.

If you want to seek only your approval, I think this may be a way to help start that process for you..

Welcome to the Forum.

CW

**BasketCase** · 05-09-2010 02:09 AM

I can understand why you tell her things. Because you feel like you need her approval because she has taken care of you for so long. You just need to remind yourself that just because she has mothered you for so long that you are still an independant person. Your not a child anymore.

A good way to start would be to take control of your own finances and such. If she's not doing those things for you anymore you will feel more independant. I don't know if you do or not but don't tell her everywhere you go and everything you do. Don't ask for permission to do things. Take it upon yourself.

Find some female friends. Every girl needs someone to talk to about things. Thus far that person has been your mom. If you have a crush then of course you want to tell someone. That's perfectly fine. The diary is a great idea too.

And this is going to sound strange but try it anyway

If I don't have anyone to talk to about things I just talk to myself...Out loud. There's nothing wrong with it and you do feel a little better afterwards.

**keyboardtapper** · 05-09-2010 01:54 PM

Thanks for all your advice. I have thought about a diary before, I used to keep one as a teenager and it got read, so I guess I need to get over that and do it again! Chandlers Wish and Basket Case are right I think about the approval thing, I never thought of it like that because its always been less obvious than 'what do you think.' I am beginning to get my finances back and you're right, I tell her everthing I do and where I go. I don't want to, but I if I go somewhere and she rings me she's like, 'Oh, I've been ringing you...no..you of course you don't need permission...I was just worried...that's fine...'. I tell her I'm going to just do things on my own and not tell her what and she instantly jumps to conclusions and does a bit of the guilt trip. But you're right, I have to grow up! The female friends idea is great too. Hopeless Dork , it's a great relief that you say it's not a problem me expressing myself. I thought it was something adults didn't do. Thank you all.

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-09-2010 07:07 PM

Keep a journal, write an anonymous online blog... express yourself and your feelings that are bursting, but in a safe way.

Its natural to want to share something exciting, something happy, something sad, its what we do as humans, its a connection to share those joys/pains and for someone else to share their joys/pains with us so that we can empathise.

It sounds like its not a problem that you are expressing yoruself, its that you are doing it to the wrong person, someone that is judging you. Just find a different, less judgy medium, like a diary , to get those feelings out of your mind and off your chest in a way that doesn't say 'i told you so..." later.

**eleni** · 05-12-2010 03:50 PM

you're just learning to be an adult
kids tell their parents everything and then they get to teenagers and they dont tell em ANYTHING.

i think you're quite right in needing to keep things private and i think that everyone has some really good suggestions.
is it possible that your mum is so used to looking after you that she's finding it a bit hard to realise that you're an adult?
have you taken control of your finances and everything?
sadly its kind of the same scene as being a teenager, you need to reset the boundries and prove that you're a responsible adult.

have you got friends? sorry that sounded really rude.
what i mean is do you have anyone to confide in who isnt your mum?
i know what its like to come out from years of depression and you kind of get that feeling like you've been in the cinema in the day time and you come out and you feel really disorientated because its still light outside.
it takes some time to adjust y'know?

x