Depressed and its my own fault.

**KT4ever** · 05-15-2010 11:34 AM

I woke up with tears streaming down my face. My heart was racing and my whole body was trembling. I thought i heard the door bell but went to the door and no one was there. I asked the boys if they heard it and they said no one rang the bell. I have been going though this for the last 3 days, hearing the door bell when no one else does. I can't keep my thoughts together and i forget what i was doing by time i get to the place i was going to do it at. I am having a hard time putting my thought into this computer right now. I have these same panicky feeling and spells of crying all day every day for the last 3 days. Its getting harder and harder to pull myself together. I called an acquaintance because i don't have any friends or family in my state and wouldn't call them anyway. I asked her to come take me to the er because i actually felt like i was going to die. she told me to pull it together and gave me some words of encouragement and told me not to go to the hospital because they would put me under observation. she explained i didn't want to go this rough because then who would take care of my boys. I pulled myself together to take my 10 year old to his soccer game but had to leave the field because the tears wouldn't stop coming. It feels like im going through emotional labor pains. about every hour on the hour i can feel it coming on, then i brace myself by tensing up my body and try to think of somethings else but my heart increases pace steadily and my emotions well up until the big explosion and dam break. Just like in child birth I'm starting to say to myself in my head that i hope this is the last one because i cant live like this anymore. Why me, why was i born this way. I can remember being 6 years old having these same bouts. They have gotten worse throughout my life and no one understands. I am so tired of not being able to cope. What do i do. i do not have medical coverage and no money to pay for a Dr at this moment.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-19-2010 02:43 AM

KT4ever,

That was heartbreaking to read.

I think you need to understand that chemical imbalances does not mean you are "nuts" and so I disagree with your friend, although she is trying to help..

There could be something very simple going on that medication could stop.

The fact that your writing this means your reaching out for help.

I am not sure where you location is but I would ask our members that do, if they know of any medical assistance in that area.

What did the Doctors say when you were 6 as to what was wrong? When was the last time you seeked advice and what did they say?

I'm feeling that this is not "always" happening it seems to come and go, do you know of a pattern that makes it come back? Is it stress related?

And, you say you have children, no family, close by, are you married?

Is your husband standing by you through all of this or are you trying to cope alone, and doing too much?

Sorry for all the questions but we would like to help you.

I hope you come back to reply.

CW

**WildChild** · 05-19-2010 07:47 AM

I think CW is right but would add the question of how or why you believe this to be your "fault"?

It seems to me that something was triggered in your childhood, it might have been a real trauma or something that your childish mind misunderstood. Just as allergies are caused by our immune systems over reacting to a generally harmless substance, I think our emotional system can do the same. Can anyone in your family shed some light on this? Do you have any dreams that might provide a glimpse at what started all this?

The reoccuring thing with the doorbell really seems to me to indicate an actual event that your mind has locked on to. Speaking from a shamanistic sort of view, have you tried, in your mind, answering that door bell and seeing what it is that your mind/memory expects to be there on the other side of the door? I have done this with dreams. Sometimes I get pretty upsetting dreams and waken very disturbed and I will consciously go back into the dream and explore options. I will create the worst thing that could happen and then create an empowering vision of how I can resolve or change the outcome. Sometimes I go back into it again and create a completely positive new senario which usually involves me having a good laugh (in the visualisation) that I had misinterpreted a situation.

I've done this sort of thing since childhood and use it as a learning experience. Our minds are powerful and often take the imagined just as if it were real. Watching a movie or having a dream can evoke the same physical and chemical responses in our bodies as if we had the actual experience. And going over the same thing repeatedly or experiencig something with an intense emotion connected with it can make it "real" to your mind even though it didn't actually happen.

An example of using this would be that my work takes me into potentially dangerous situations and this has bothered me at times. I use this technique to deal with it. I may have a dream or visualization of entering a vacant house and finding myself confronted with some nut who has holed up there. The initial story may have me attacked, vulnerable in a deadly situation. I will rewrite it, often with a variety of responses; I nail them with my kubaton and then pepper spray them and get out, there is a piece of heavy piping which I manage to grab and use to break their arm, I hear them/smell and get out before I'm within their vision (I've been in some ugly situtations in my life so I can get rather intense with this), or to really defuse my emotions, it turns out the noise is something completely goofy - like a squirrel that got in.

The point is that by exploring possiblities and empowering responses, I meet the emotion and deal with it, I also create mind patterns of response so if something does happen I've already explored responses and solutions. This has served me more than once. It may help you.

The brain and the mind are two different things. The brain is physical and your control of it is limited, something can misfire, the wires get crossed so to speak and sometimes drugs can help that. But the mind... the mind is yours. Most people just let it go where it will, but you can exersize a lot of control there, you can work with it and change it. All creation takes place within it and you can re-create and restructure your responses and understandings.

Who is at your door? What is so scary about that bell ringing? Is it a neighbor telling you your cat is dead? Is someone coming to take away a loved one? Why is that sound connected to so much emotion? You may never know what started it but you can create a reason for it and a response to it. Understand that my life view may be quite different from your own but I hope my sharing will give you some ideas to redirect and defuse this. Can you take away the fear? What did you dream that woke you in tears? Can you comfort the little girl who is afraid and crying? There is a reason for this and I don't think you are nuts, there is just something that haunts you and you need to resolve it positively.