Thread: extreme paranoia. please help.

Hmm... I understand the "must always be perfect" view to life. When I was a lot younger than you age (most of my teens and up to age 21), it was how I lived my life, and it was miserable living too. For me, anyways. I'm not sure about everyone else who tries to live up to that kind of impossible standard. I do know of a few women in their 30's who must "live perfectly", but it's not up to me to judge if they are miserable or not. :-/

Anyways, it does have a lot to do with self-esteem and sometimes upbringing plays a role too. My mother had an impossible idea too, given to her by her mother, then past down to me and my siblings. It wasn't a rule about marriage or having children out of wedlock... but just as wrong! It was "never let them see you sweat", which means to never let a person see you react to something or a situation with anything but a smile! And that really meant to hold in ones anger, or sadness, or disagreements, or any emotion and never tell people or show them how you feel. That did mess me up, quiet a bit, and it took a long time before I was able to show my true emotions and opinions with others... also speak up for myself too, whenever I was feeling steamed-rolled. It's still an issue too, as I have to constantly stop myself from getting "stone-faced" and to remember to speak up and dare to say "no" to something that I'm not comfortable with.

But, since the age of 21 up until now (I am 29 now, will be 30 this year), I've learned that it's impossible to be perfect all the time! In fact, no one is perfect and those who try to claim it are just fooling themselves. ;-)
I don't know if you need therapy to reach that point yet, or maybe not. But, I am wishing you luck in finding that part of yourself. I know, for myself, once my perfect image was shattered and I didn't have the energy to keep it up anymore, it started with me embracing one of my flaws... I'm stubborn as heck! And once I accepted that was part of me and it was not going to change (I'm too stubborn to not be stubborn! =p), I began to accept many of my other unchangeable flaws too. There is an old saying, "Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, but wisdom to know the difference." :-)

No matter if you're religious or not, or what your religion is, it's a very wise thing to remember. Everyone else around you isn't perfect, by far. Your mother isn't perfect, your friends aren't perfect, your boyfriend isn't perfect, I'm not perfect and the people on this forum aren't perfect, the people you will meet and have met in your life aren't perfect. So, no one expects you to be... or they SHOULDN'T expect it, as they can't be perfect themselves. And if they do expect you to be perfect, then that's their own personal issue and not yours. You should be yourself and accept and love you! I know that's easier said than done, believe me! I hated myself for most of my life and only began to accept and love me, for a few years now! :-D

And you're not useless or unloved or should die, because you are HUMAN, just like everyone else is. :-)