I don't know how to deal with my creepy father

**Carmela_R** · 06-28-2010 12:15 PM

Okay, so my father is a functioning alcoholic and he wasn't there much for the first 11 years of my life because he was in the navy, and I prefered it that way. I'm almost 20 now, so for the past 8-9 years I've noticed my father staring at me, encouraging me to wear inappropriate clothing, and in the last year or so, he's been making inappropriate comments like "You should apply to be in the Hooters calander" or that he wouldn't care if I was a stripper. I've been living with my boyfriend and is mother since late April and it was only supposed to be for the summer (they live 45 mins for my parents house), but I still go to my parents house occasionally to take my mother to the doctor's and a week and a half before father's day, I was at my parents house alone waiting to pick my mom up from the doctors and I got on the family computer and was looking in the history on my fathers page because that is where most of the geneology stuff is that my mom had been looking up (i'm big into geneology) and I found in a separte history file that my dad had been watching porn about incest. My boyfriend and his mother said I could stay with them as long as I needed, so I feel safe with them, but I'm still having a hard time dealing with this emotionaly. I've already changed my college classes so that they are all online, and I'm even getting a job where my boyfriend works, so that I can avoid being in the same city as my father, but I'm still freaked out. Any advise?

**WildChild** · 06-28-2010 12:21 PM

Sounds like you are being proactive and protecting yourself. He obviously doesn't have a healthy attitude or really see himself as being your father so much as he sees you as a female he has access to. Just don't be alone with him.

**KMonte85** · 06-28-2010 12:29 PM

I'm sorry that's something you're having to deal with... what your father is saying and doing isn't normal, and you should be glad to have recognized that and done something to prevent any further inappropriateness (moving out, avoiding contact with your father). He has a problem, but it sounds like he most likely will not admit it nor would he seek treatment for it.

You're doing everything you should do. Getting out of the situation, working towards a successful future with your education and your job, surrounding yourself with people who care about you. If you're still having trouble coping with what you've learned, you may want to seek some counseling - just to help you to sort out your feelings and help you get past the fear.

**Hopeless Dork** · 06-28-2010 12:35 PM

Oh honey, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. Thank God that you are 20, bright and fully aware of what is appropriate and whats not ... and that you have people to turn to for safety. Its actually a good thing he was out of the house or this could be an entirely different mess. One of two things is happening... either he discovered incest porn/stories online and developed a fetish for the fantasy and is now looking at you in a different light -- or he has always seen you in that light and is turning to that sort of porn to fuel the fantasy.

Either way. Its bad news and you should 1. Not ever be alone with him again, period. Sad to say that of your own father, but you just don't know what he may be capable of. And 2. You need to be in contact with your mom enough to know whats going on with your father. If you have young cousins, neices, family friends that are coming to visit you need to let them know what you know and advise them to NOT stay with your folks. Thats a lot of responsability and the easier thing to do would be to tell your mom, but it sounds like she's ill and it sounds like you are worried of hurting her heart.

If you can unshoulder this burdon on to anyone else in your family... I think you should. That way you can 1. Feel less alone in your fears and 2. Have someone else that can help assure that other females , especially young ones... are not put in harms way.

Although it seems you are the focus of his fantasy.... someone mixed up enough to have sexual feelings for their own daughter should not be around young girls, period.

There is something in your heart that fractures when someone that is supposed to love you in the purest way, picks lust instead. And I know your pain

I know your confusion and missplaced feelings of love and loyalty.

You sound so strong... don't go back to living at home. Bring someone with you on your visits and be as covered up as possible... baggy clothes showing no-skin... its freaking sad to have to resort to those measures but it is in your best interest.

I'm glad you have someone to help you there , your boyfriend and his family. I'd strongly suggest talking to a counselor, if even just to vent some of the hurt and confusion you are feeling right now. Whatever you do, don't blame yourself, don't feel like a freak... unfortunately there are a lot of women that have been or are in your shoes. Keep yourself safe, mentally and physically.

**LanaBear** · 06-28-2010 12:40 PM

Your boyfriend and mom said you could stay with them, I'd stay... Even if your father would never make a direct advance, the comments and everything else would be enough of a reason for me to keep a far far distance from him.

Be safe and proactive, I wouldn't be going there by myself any longer. Wait until a friend or your boyfriend could be there with you. Better safe than sorry.

**Carmela_R** · 06-28-2010 01:00 PM

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

Either way. Its bad news and you should 1. Not ever be alone with him again, period. Sad to say that of your own father, but you just don't know what he may be capable of. And 2. You need to be in contact with your mom enough to know whats going on with your father. If you have young cousins, neices, family friends that are coming to visit you need to let them know what you know and advise them to NOT stay with your folks. Thats a lot of responsability and the easier thing to do would be to tell your mom, but it sounds like she's ill and it sounds like you are worried of hurting her heart.

If you can unshoulder this burdon on to anyone else in your family... I think you should. That way you can 1. Feel less alone in your fears and 2. Have someone else that can help assure that other females , especially young ones... are not put in harms way.

I think my mother suspects, and she's seen him staring at me, so she's trying to help me finanially to completly move out. Even though I'm at my boyfriends, most of my things are still at my parents house. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 3 years now, and we might get our own appartment within a year depending on finances, and my mom said she's help us try to buy a couch and a table.

And my mom has had stage 4 cancer since September of 2007, so I try to bring her to the doctors when I can.

Also the rest of my family (outside of my parents) are all in New Orleans and the surrounding areas, and we're in northwest florida, and no one ever visits and my father doesn't like visiting them, so the younger children (my cousin's children are the only one's younger than me) won't have to be near my father.

I told my older cousin/godfather yesterday and he's livid and wants to cut off my father's parts. I know I could go live with him If I ever nedded to, but he lives 6-7 hours away.

Thankyou for everyone who has responded so far!

**Hopeless Dork** · 06-28-2010 01:19 PM

I am so glad you told your cousin. I think sometimes the weight of keeping a secret can tear you up inside even more than the contents of the secret. You have support, you have people that care I think that you are going to be okay

Your mother sounds like she loves you very much, sometimes a woman can blame their own daughter for their husbands sin... and that is equally as disturbing as the act of the father. It sounds like you don't have that kind of mom and I am really glad to hear it.

Just keep yourself away from him, don't be alone with him and hope that maybe one day he will wake up from his drunken haze and realized what he's selifishly sacraficed... a healthy relationship with his daughter. If and when that happens it will take a lot to restore your trust, don't feel like you owe him a thing though - you don't.

**Carmela_R** · 06-28-2010 02:01 PM

Thanks for the advice! I feel a little bit better now

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-04-2010 08:29 PM

Carmela...

I know he's your Father but that's 1) illegal and 2) If he is speaking to you in-appropriately, maybe, he is to other younger girls..

IDK, but I'd either tell him I know and tell him to keep the heck away from you, your Mother and any "children" or you'll report him, or I'd report him...

I'm glad that your safe and feel safe, but don't let the fear get to you to the extent that you don't go anywhere, I'm concerned that your doing your College on line and looking for work with your boyfriend, it almosts makes me think that your hiding from the outside world, so if that's the case, go and see someone, get some councelling, as you can't allow this to effect you that way.

CW

**cinnamonheart88** · 07-08-2010 07:18 AM

omg thats just ridiculous... what he is doing is extremely inappropriate and wrong... sexuality is something that should be completely void of parent/child relationships even if its in a light hearted and joking manner which clearly isnt what hes even doing. Its really unfortunate that you have to change your life around to avoid this person but your doing the right thing... Its good that you have your boyfriends family to stay with but I dont know how long you guys have been going out, if you break up do you have a plan b? also its good that you have removed yourself from the situation for now because that was important but what are you going to do in the log term? its very easy for people once they are away from a negative stimulus to settle in comfortably into their new living situation and not think about what happened before. Although this is difficult please try to either get a restraining order or tell someone about this. Maybe talk to a therapist; that can really help. Regardless its really good that you are being proactive about this and not letting yourself suffer. I really hope things work out for you.