History Repeating Itself?

**Jex** · 08-15-2010 07:56 AM

When i was younger i used to feel so self concious and embarressed about everything i did everything i said and how i looked etc.
I used to get very depressed and self harm really badly and still have scars today on my stomache my arms and worst of all my legs, the cuts on my legs at one point where about half an inch wide and still haven't heald fully.
My mother used to make curtains at home for people, so you can imagine that there used to be masses of sharp objects around the house and anything i used to find i would steal to hurt myself with, even if i was playing with her pin cussion whilst speaking to her i would take some pins out put my hands under the table and stab the palms of my hands with them until my hands bled a little then i would be satisfied.

More to the point i got over that and thought i would never be that person again i was young and stupid, but now im all grown up and am scared it's coming back. iv been feeling so down lately and i don't have the support of my boyfriend as he thinks it's "all in my head" and that i make it up as i go along, but this morning when i was washing up i didn't even realise i did it but all i can remember is washing up thinking about my man then the next thing i know im snapping out of this little daydream that i can't remember falling into and when i snap out of it im squeezing a knife and the sink bowl is full of blood, the strange thing is when i snapped out of my daydream i didn't drop the knife or throw it or anything, i just looked at it still in my hand.
It felt like i had nothing else to think about apart from that pain and it felt good to only have one thing on my mind, and it felt good to be in control of something.

Am i depressed? Am i just being stupid like my boyfriend says? Am i troubled? Am i crazy?
One thing i know for certain is that it isn't for attention, nobody knows about all of this even my boyfriend don't know the half of it...

I just want to know what people make of this.
Thanks for reading x

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-17-2010 07:55 PM

Hey Jex,

The first thing I read that stood out, was that you were putting pins into the palm of your hands, in front of your mother and didn't stop until it bled, I am wondering, why she never stopped you?

Cutting from all that I have read here, is not about seeking attention, it is about "feeling good" and it is an addiction and hard to break...

I think that when things are down and out, you remember what made you "feel good".. and this may be all that is occuring.

If your boyfriend is not supportive, ask him to not use physcology on you and tell you, it's in your head... rather to talk to you about why you feel you want to or have to?

Your not stupid, you do need to talk about this and you do need to find the route of why you started it in the first place, what was and still is missing in your life, is it love?

If you feel that it's control... then take control of your life, it is yours... Start to change your pattern of things and don't rely on others, don't keep things deep inside, bottled up, talk about it to someone, get it off your chest and start to gain more independence for yourself.

You can start here, we don't know you, tell us of your childhood, what you loved and what you missed, tell us what your searching for now and what you have and don't have.

A deep routed feeling of being un-loved in my opinion can change the way we think into everything being negative, instead of positive and seeing the positive in everything and the first honest step is to learn how to love yourself...

I'd like to talk more about that, if your willing to give more insight and answer some of those questions....

Thanks for sharing yourself with us....

CW

**Jex** · 08-20-2010 09:09 AM

My childhood was the best that my mother and father could have given me, being brought up with a lot of brothers and sisters it was hard to get attention or even be involved in conversation, especially being second to youngest. It was always like the youngest was ‘the baby’ and I was always ‘the other one’.
I had a very good relationship with my dad even though he worked during the day, came home, saw us for an hour then went to sleep before he started his night job. The short time that I saw him for was so fulfilling, I was daddy’s little princess as my other sisters were all grown up with boyfriends and jobs etc.
I also had a good relationship with my mum, she was the parent that I was constantly with due to dad working so much.
When I was about six or seven years old my mum took us all out for the day (except my dad), when we returned there were fire trucks outside our house, I just remember messing around in the back of the car with my little brother and not thinking much of what was going on. The whole house was burnt to a crisp and all we had left was a big safe with things in it like birth certificates and passports etc.
Having nothing, we all had to move in with my aunty in Kent, we all hated her but it was the last resort as we don’t speak to any of my dads family apart from his mum and we don’t speak to any family on my mums side apart from her mum and her sister.
Living with them was the worst months of my childhood, mum and dad argued, me and my brothers and sisters fought with each other and our cousins… The worst thing was that one of my cousins, who was much older than me at the time, used to touch me, and make me touch him. I never understood it but kind of knew that it wasn’t normal even being such a young age, after a good few months of it being ongoing, I finally grew the courage to get my mother on her own and tell her what had been going on, I was so young and I still can’t believe to this day how I managed to explain it to her, a child of the age that I was shouldn’t even know about them things let alone explain it to the only person they looked up to, I felt ashamed, hurt, stupid I felt like it was my fault I just felt ugly and horrible. Them words do not even describe the disgust that I felt for myself.
My mothers reply to all I had told her was a cuddle, a kiss on the forehead and the words “all little kids do it at some point, it’s just something that kids do… I will have a word”.
I understand that children are curious and touch each other and themselves, but he wasn’t a little kid, he knew and completely understood what he was doing.

To be honest after all of that I grew up a lot faster than I expected, I always thought that if people that are meant to love me and look after me don’t understand how much courage it took for me to come out with the things that I did that day and if they don’t understand how much it hurt and damaged me then I will just keep quiet and look after myself.
From that point on I was a tough little thing and still am, nobody has ever been able to break my ‘barrier’, so many things have happened to me in my lifetime that it’s to much for me to even understand…

Thank you for reading, i know i got a bit carried away and apologize for it being so long winded.
And thank you for your reply, it helped and so did writing this x

**Jex** · 08-20-2010 09:21 AM

Sorry ...
Do you think it would be a good idea to tell my boyfriend about this? x

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-21-2010 05:07 PM

Sweet, I think that your Mother's re-action was her way of "trying" to not make it a physcological thing for you later in life, by sweeping it under the carpet, by her thinking you were young and her reply may "work"... You won't be damaged by it. I don't think that she didn't realise how brave you were to confront it, and to tell her, nor that she blew you off. I really think she went into defence, to save her baby. I assume it did stop after you told her?

Maybe for closure, talk to her about it now that you are an Adult.. Ask her why she chose to give you that reply and how she really felt when you told her.

Should you tell your boyfriend? It seems history is repeating itself, in as much as this. There are two types of people in this world, very nurturing, loving, that will hug and hold you, and say I am so sorry, smother you . And, then those that will use "tough love" approach, which really makes us strong in life, whilst we feel they "don't" care, we turn out tough, no one can hurt us... I wonder if we as people, over things that really hurt us, if we received teh constant nurturing, loving, smothering, if we would turn out weak, and expect people to always be there for us when in need, and not be able to stand on our own two feet, which we really need to be able to do in this world..

Talk to her and ask her.. My Mother gave "tough love" and I turned out, much like you, strong and only got stronger as the years went by so if any obsticles came my way I became the fighter and refused to give up. It's been my rock in life and I'm alot older than you

See, it as strength a nurturing strength that has made you strong and that will make you even stronger in life.

I think you have purely found two people that prefer tough love, and in that, they hope you will drop it, forget it, get on with life, be tough...

You have a strong minded boyfriend, a strong minded Mother, who use tough love, to help you.. Don't view it as un-loving, un-caring...

But, I also think that what occured all those years ago, you never got over, and maybe as your viewing it as non-loved, by Mum, that you therefore, have had difficulty understanding that and therefore no closure

I think you should speak to your Mum..Ask her, how she viewed you telling her about that, don't think that she thought it was your fault sweet, she wouldn't have, she would have known how old he was as to how old you were...

Maybe write him a letter, whether you send it or read it and then burn it and throw it to the wind, but write all your feelings down and how wrong he was and how the fault was all his, because it was. This may help you with closure.

I think that on marriage, it's your priogrative to tell your husband as much or as little as you wish to express, get off your chest, share, it's your life, past is yours, but if you wish to share in that love, then you can.

Boyfriends, are not here for ever, unless, until they become a husband and you don't have to disclose anything to explain why you are the way you are, what you have to do is work towards, getting the closure using the strength that you've gained so far and building that strength to become every stronger...

HE WAS WRONG.

YOU WERE A LITTLE GIRL.

HE WAS WRONG

YOU DID NOTHING WRONG

Remember that sweet

CW

**Jex** · 09-01-2010 03:05 PM

Haven't been on here for a while as haven't had much time ... life a

...
Reading this reply has made me realise alot of things, and i thank you very much for the time you have taken to read and the time you have taken to care about all of the situations i wrote about.
I see myself in a different light now
x
Thank you

Thread: History Repeating Itself?

LinkBack

Thread Tools

Search Thread

Display

History Repeating Itself?

Similar Threads

Depressed and Cannot get over Girlfriends Sexual History

Headache, Hypnosis, and Stress: A Case History

Bookmarks

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions