Desperately Need Some Boyfriend Advice

**KittenKat** · 08-24-2010 01:54 PM

HI,

I'm new here and I really need some advice.

I don't have a lot of "real-life" friends, since I've got RA I can't work a steady job, but I do have a job I do from home. So rather than ask some of my online pals about this, I needed a totally unbiased opinion, so here I am.

I have boyfriend issues.

I've known "Jonas" for 3 years now. We met at, of all places, an online forum. We were friends at first but then slowly we started to become more than friends. Anyway, I am making Ok money, not great, I am mostly living off my savings, pay the rent with it and bills. My boyfriend is a wonderful person, but the last 3 months I've started to feel kind of disgusted with him. I feel like he's using me. 2 years ago I had no job, and my b/f was making a little money each month which he would share with me, since I was in a bad way financially back then. So he has helped me out, it's not that.

I live in a very expensive area, rent for me is $1400 a month for a 2-bedroom apartment, and it's just me. He lives in Europe and his rent is $300. He lived with him mom up until 3 months ago mostly because he couldn't find a place of his own because he can't find a job. But suddenly he found an apartment and he asked me to pay the rent for the 1st month. So I agreed because I have a job of sorts and he does not. I thought he'd at least try and find a job now, or go on public assistance, something but it's been 3 months and he's just doing odd jobs as he finds them, not enough to pay rent or buy his food. I guess the $300 isn't a big deal, it's tough for me to pay but I will gladly help him get back on his feet. But now he's after me to buy him a new pc, his old laptop, which he hates, just died on him mysteriously. Every month since he left his mom's, there's something he has to have, or needs. He was after me to send him $1000 to buy some flat-screen Tv. Which I just thought silly, and didn't since here I am living on the raw, with very little amenities, cuz I can't really afford to go crazy and buy everything I need. I try to save money and not spend foolishly. In the last 3 months I bought him a PS3, and a Wii. I've probably given/loaned him $4000 and it doesn't seem like it's going to stop. At one point he even wanted me to send him what savings I had so he could manage it for me. Well, that didn't go over well at all. My savings is dwindling. And yes I've told Jonas about it, but he keeps saying I should move, get out of this area etc. Which I would do, but it's not cheap to move either. I just think that Jonas doesn't realize how hard money is to come by and he sees me now as an easy supply of it. He's never had to earn money, nor save it.

Am I wrong about this? I mean, if he would at least look for a job, but he says it's pointless, that he can't manage working alone, that he'd need me living with him to be able to find the energy to work.
What the heck am I supposed to do about this? He says things to me like "I'd be homeless without you." And of course I realize that's just a guilt trip, he'd find a way to manage, if he had to.

I'm so disappointed and discouraged. I'm trying to make something of my life, despite my problems. And I'm all for equal rights etc., but that doesn't mean that someone should take advantage of my generosity. Someone please tell me if you have shared a similar experience? And if so, what did you do about it?

In my heart I know Jonas loves me, but the money is a huuge issue for me. He says he hates taking money from people, yet he keeps after me for more money. I guess I can't figure out how I could have been wrong about him like this. After 3 years I thought I knew most about him, and yet money is all some people really yearn for. The thing is I'm really getting sick and tired of this stuff. And I feel like saying to him "it's my money, not yours, and I'm done being so generous."

I've worked, just like a lot of people do, had crappy, awful jobs, and I probably should not have done a lot of them, since they were really hard on my health. So to me I think that if a guy really loves a girl he is not going to accept taking charity from her again and again. Especially from a girl who isn't exactly making $$$$.

I have no family either, so it's not like I can go to them and ask for help or opinions.

Anyone have any suggestions or advice that would care to share with me?

Thank you to anyone who replies.

Oh and if anyone cares to reply to my poll, "keep him or dump him" feel free.

**KittenKat** · 08-24-2010 02:09 PM

I couldn't edit my thread again so I did want to add that I love Jonas very much. He's very serious about me, we have discussed marriage a lot. So it's a very serious matter to me that I do the right thing about this.

**sourpuss** · 08-24-2010 02:15 PM

Have you met him in the flesh yet? Lending money and taking care of someone is pretty serious for a couple. Given that you met online and live on different continents, it seems a bit much to lend him money.
If it were me, I'd test the waters over the next couple of months by not having the money to lend. Next time he asks, just tell him that you don't have any, that you'd like to help, but times are tough. If you have to, tell him your car broke down, or you had to pay medical bills, etc. See if he sticks around. If the money dries up and he's gone, then I think you know where this is headed.

**dr.mansview** · 08-24-2010 04:42 PM

he sounds like a sponge, sorry to say..a one time temporary loan is one thing, but to ask for money repeatedly from a gf is irresponsible..marriage WILL NOT solve the problem and often makes it worse because then you will feel obligated to pay for everything to keep your heads above water..i know young people (ages 16-24) feel they need an x-box and a cell phone and an i pod, but really what is more important? the rent..the food..transportation money..i was not handed these things when i was that age..i was taught to pay for the essentials and save for the extras..

**sourpuss** · 08-24-2010 06:28 PM

Those things didn't even exist when I was that age. Man, how did I survive?

**jns** · 08-24-2010 07:02 PM

He wants you to buy him luxuries, not necessities? With you struggling? Are you sure you can't find a boyfriend who respects you? When you are old and rich, you can buy yourself a boy toy if you want, but at this time it doesn't seem like a good option.

**WildChild** · 08-24-2010 07:32 PM

Darling girl, I'm going to be blunt.
He doesn't love you.
He loves what you can give him.
You know what you need to do.
You need to tell him, "it's my money, not yours, and I'm done being so generous."
He knows just how to work you.
The talk of marriage is a hook to keep the cash flowing.

**KittenKat** · 08-30-2010 03:00 PM

I just wanted to take a few minutes to thank you all for replying to my thread. The situation with my boyfriend is one that is highly irritating to me. First off, because when I first knew him I never would've believed he would be such a sponge. I don't even like calling him that. But it's hard for me to ignore the obvious. He's a good man it's not that, it's that he sees me as an ATM machine. And when he says things to me like "you know I'd be homeless without you" it's even more irritating because he must think I'm really stupid and gullible.

Sourpuss you are right, I need to cut off the flow of money to him. This is out of hand and it has to stop. Now I just have to tell him I'm done subsidizing him. And knowing him, he'll probably try and turn it around and attempt to make me feel bad.

Wildchild you words hit home with me. It's just hard for me to accept that I have been used, again and by a man, again. I don't know if I should be a b*tch now and let people think what they will of me, or stay sweet and nice. Because it sure seems like when women are nice we get used.

I'm so discouraged with men. I put so much effort into this relationship it feels like it was such a waste of time now. Are there no men worth having out there? Or are they all manipulators?

**angel wings** · 08-30-2010 04:59 PM

i have to say that i agree with wildchild.........and besides that you deserve so much better.....dont be discouraged, not every male out there is like that at all, there are plenty of them worth having.....put this down to a learning experience, he certainly doesnt deserve you..

**KittenKat** · 08-31-2010 10:38 AM

Originally Posted by angel wings

i have to say that i agree with wildchild.........and besides that you deserve so much better.....dont be discouraged, not every male out there is like that at all, there are plenty of them worth having.....put this down to a learning experience, he certainly doesnt deserve you..

Thanks angel wings. I am sure you are right; there are plenty of guys out there worth having. I just never seem to meet any of them.

I really don't know how my relationship with my b/f turned out like this. I feel so used. What a horrible feeling. Like all along he was just waiting to mooch off of me. I suppose I figured a couple of months of helping him then he'd take over. But he continues to ask me to pay for his food, rent, internet etc. That's crazy. And what has me so depressed is he sees nothing wrong with my paying for him living expenses. Instead he thinks my money is put to better use giving it to him rather than my trying to save it for the future. Maybe that's a European philosophy about money. I really don't know. But as an American I was taught by my parents to save money, not to spend it like it is totally easy come, easy go.

I was so happy when I met my b/f. He seemed so sensible and kind-hearted. But he's doing little else but making me feel bad for months now. And no guy is worth that.