i dont know what to do

**i know i need help** · 09-11-2010 10:24 AM

Hi, im 40 and have had jealousy issues since i was 15. Its not just jealousy over who my hubby speaks to etc, where he looks when we are out its the extreme of constantly checking movie contents before we watch anything (anything with even swimwear or underwear is too much), its the anxiety over facebook and emails even though he gives me no reason, its the extreme anxiety of everything we do where there may be a threat somewhere. Now i know im wrong and so i get ashamed of all my problems and keep quiet about a lot of them.
I have severe abandonment issues and now my hubby isnt working ive got even more used to him being at home, i dont like any time apart from him which is a struggle! He has a dx of paranoid psychosis which is why he left his last job, he is ready to work again but so many jobs are threatening to me, the last one he enquired about was working in a leisure centre - ok, i had to go and self harm over the thought of that - women in swimwear or gym wear etc. His last job was as a janitor in supermarket and id torture myself over him cleaning in womens toilets - what if there was someone in there changing clothes or something??? OR, strangely anything intimate like tampons etc on floor - i cant bear the intimacy with other women like that, anything which i can perceive as sexual.
Im 30 weeks pregnant and am now stuck with a homebirth cos when we went to first antenatal there were so many fotos of new mums with their babies and so many posters for breastfeeding, all my other antenatal appts are at my local doctors which is easier but i cant stand seeing other pregnant women and i often feel dirty for looking so pregnant. My biggest problem was going into hospital in case a woman was in labour and we could hear her or see her at any time, this kept me awake for night after night.
Anyway, only a couple of months ago we moved to a new area, theres me, my husband (of 3 weeks), 18 yr old son and 2 daughters age 8 and 6 (all 3 children are from a previous marriage to a man now dead - bad to say but he was bad father and husband and his death was the best gift he ever gave any of us).
Right well about 4 years ago i was diagnosed with bipolar, i score very high with tests for both this and borderline. I have seen a cpn week in week out for all these years and was seeing a lovely psychologist every week, both of who ive relied upon. I went to see mental health team here and after a 2 1/2 hour assessment they said they dont know what to do with me, they will talk to colleagues and get back to me - this doesnt seem promising to me getting any better, they also say this area doesnt have the rescources for me to have a cpn so i feel very abandoned and helpless!
I cant continue like this - ive considered so many times leaving my husband just so i cant be triggered and just so that he can live a more normal life, hes a film buff yet the poor man cant watch most films now, suicide isnt an option with children, my plan for a long time has been to see them to adulthood first but, with another child on the way that is a long time. I feeltrapped by life and i just want to end the pain of day to day living. There are triggers everywhere!
My background is from an emotionally dead mum and distant dad. I was sexually harrassed from age 19 to 39 by my mums husband and have had issues with men who seemed to take an interest in me from the age of 13. The reason we moved house in july is to make sure they werent any part of our lives, i have no friends except one internet friend who has similar issues who i have talked to every day via email for about a year and half, the only family i have is my dad who lives nearby, he is a nice man but emotionally distant so our relationship is one of politeness.

Unfortunately we moved to an area near the beach - will be ok for most of the year cos uk is cold but the summer is not good in seeing women sunbathing, i cant bear the thought of being here next summer!

I get to see shrink on monday but cos of pregnancy i may not be able to get any meds, my last doc wouldnt give me anti depressants cos of dx of bipolar, he gave me an anti psychotic called olanzapine which has high weight gain (yay, so good for someone with 0 self esteem) and also makes you sleepy in evening - not good when that means my hubby will be sitting alone which gives me crazy thoughts.

By the way i trust my husband, my last 2 partners were very deceitful but he is 100% honest and i do hate that i love his paranoia over my safety as it makes me feel loved and special.

does anyone have any advice as i feel very lost and depressed, thankyou just for reading,
kerry

**Mes T** · 09-11-2010 12:01 PM

Hi there,

What you describe is something that most women feel at some point or another, that jealousy for no reason, BUT you're clearly feeling this to a very very destructive degree.

To be honest I would suggest being single, until you can get this under control. I mean banning movies, not going into hospitals, that's just no way to live with a partner.

One thing I think you must do is make friends. You can't rely on your husband 24/7. A healthy relationship needs space.

I'm glad you're seeing doctors for this, some people don't even bother!

Remember, you are a role model for your children. Would you wish them to pick up these habits from you?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-11-2010 05:40 PM

Kerry, welcome to the Forum..

That's one heck of a life you have lead so far, it's great that you don't hate men in general having had to endure all of that.

There is one thought I really want you to change, and get out of your head..firstly.

suicide isnt an option with children, my plan for a long time has been to see them to adulthood first but,

This one...

When you feel dead inside, it's easy to see death as a way out as well.. you cut... that's also a release.. but neither of them will do you any good and then there are grandchildren who want to know their grandmother... You have something special to give these children, love. You can change the past, write the wrongs, by being there for your children and their children to come over the years, and guiding them, nuturing them, protecting them.. You have a reason to live and alot to give...

Your husband won't abandon you, as you said, when you talk about things that are "silly", such as death, or cutting it breaks his heart and you feel loved... There lies the truth for you of his love.. So try to daily remind yourself, you are loved.. and you don't need to talk about it, or do any of that, to gain that love from him..

Concentrate on what you are going to teach your children, start writing books of positive thinking, positive things and put together a book of baby photos, each step of each of their lives, and look at their faces, always smiling in those photos..

Your now living for you, for your husband, for your children, for their children..

You can't change what your step dad did, nor the other men, nor the man whom you had the children to, who is no longer here to hurt you..

You CAN change your whole life, though and finally realise you have all those blessings NOW...

You probably can't take medication whilst pregnant so focus on the good things in your life, the children, their children, that you have a caring man and smile in that knowing....

Get busy and start planning for your future as it's brighter and brighter than it ever was before

And, stay here with us as well, we're here...