Please help me deal

**holetoledo** · 09-14-2010 03:45 PM

I have been so chemically dependent on things like anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medicines that now that I'm off of them, I don't know how to deal with anything. Everything is so daunting to me and I am always feeling too afraid or ashamed to express everything I'm feeling inside. I'm so exhausted bottling everything up but I don't know how to confidently speak out and tell people what's wrong and what's bothering me. And what is even more disturbing is that I can't even sort out my thoughts enough to find out for myself what in the world is wrong.

I started taking Lexapro either in 2006 or 2007 because my psychotherapist thought it would be a good way to help me sort everything out without my emotions getting too much in the way when my parents divorced. I think I became so dependent on them that I didn't make any progress relationship-wise with my parents and just used the anti-depressant as a crutch. I feel like I am so terrible at communicating with people and whenever I do get my thoughts out, I always sound so cynical or insecure. I always think about going back to my psychotherapist but it's as though I've been repeating myself over and over without getting a point across. When I talked to the counselor at my school, she said that I often talk around in circles, beating around the bush; I talk about things indirectly and then I start stammering as though I know I'm getting close to what I'm feeling inside. I don't know why it's so difficult for me to express those thoughts aloud.

I just know that I don't want to be chemically dependent anymore, and I sure as heck don't want to start bawling if I feel encroached upon. I want to be able to stand up for myself. But I don't know how to do it. I am so meek, it's disgusting. And lately I haven't been able to find a way to describe any of this to my loved ones, whether it's my parents or my boyfriend or even my closest friends. I just don't know how especially since it seems rather silly that I can't talk. It's almost as though I've become a mute in certain situations.

**stressed** · 09-14-2010 04:02 PM

1) Did the therapist suggest you to be off the medicine, or was it a decision you made on your own? It's important to have this discussed with the therapist, to avoid sudden emotional changes. Maybe slowly cutting down before quitting would make it easier?

2) Have you tried expressing your feelings in writing to a person you trust? Your boyfriend maybe or a close friend. You can find one person to be open with. If you don't want that you can try with a diary. Diaries help a lot, as you let out what you feel. Forums like this one can be helpful as well. It's very important to communicate your worries than keep them to yourself.

3) How old are you?

4) Do you know what you are afraid of? Could you be afraid of loss? That if you won't act in the way people expect you to act they will "abandon" you, perhaps a feeling you had when you parents divorced? Is it something else?

You can be open with us. It's totally anonymous and we all really love helping out.

**holetoledo** · 09-14-2010 04:55 PM

Yes, the therapist assisted me. He gave me samples so that I could wean properly and I'm done now. No withdrawal symptoms present.

I haven't expressed my feelings in writing to anyone since 2007. I thought that I could trust a friend with what I was feeling and he felt uncomfortable with me being so open with him and he basically told me never to do that ever again. It was a bit of an emotionally abusive "friendship," if you could call it that. We went separate ways that May.

I am 22.

And I do believe I am too impressionable; I often find confidence in how people think of me. Sometimes I mistake that for respect, but I learned this year that there is a difference. I do think that there are some things that stem from my parents being divorced. It was hard for me to date people for about four years. I just couldn't commit to someone knowing they could leave me like my dad did my mom. I am now in a relationship that is past a year and half of it has been me fighting myself and trying to assure myself that my boyfriend won't leave me. I have only mentioned this once to my boyfriend and he was really offended and I can't stand to bring it up again. I know it's terrible that I am so uncommunicative but it hurts so much to think about his reaction.

**stressed** · 09-14-2010 05:19 PM

I don't think it's that uncommon to feel the way you do. Parents' divorce is hard to deal with and can often make someone feel insecure in relationships. I'd expect your boyfriend to be more understanding though. You've only mentioned this once in 1 1/2 year and he was offended, instead of trying to understand your fear. It happens in other occasions as well, when one has been cheated on s/he is afraid of being cheated on again. The fear is understandable, it's just about finding the person who can understand it and help you fight it by making you feel secure. By telling you that maybe your dad did this to your mom, but he is not your dad, or like your dad. It's not much to ask.

I understand you need someone to talk to. You need more reassurance from the people around you. Maybe discussing this with your parents could help, especially with your mom, as she went through a lot. Maybe she will tell you something that would help. Even your dad can help, by explaining that what happened between him and your mom doesn't happen to everyone. I don't know how close you are to your parents, or what they have to say about the divorce, they might not help at all, but it could be worth the try. If the divorce started it all then perhaps learning more about the reasons behind it would help you leave it in the past.

**tesoro** · 09-14-2010 07:00 PM

Hi there. I think you need some assertiveness training. Many community centres offer courses. It is very common for people who are suffering from anxiety/depression to have low self-esteem. Remember you cannot control others, only yourself, so take charge of your life and do what you need to do to help yourself.

I'm sorry that you put your trust in an abusive friend. Without realizing it, we often teach people how to treat us by what we tolerate from them. Don't let anyone disrespect you or hurt you in any way. Just walk away and know that there are many other good people out in the world.

I think you need to begin with a medical professional - perhaps you would be more comfortable with a woman therapist. You definitely need counselling and you could try some herbal remedies like Evening Primrose Oil to assist your mood. Exercise is another excellent mood booster but it must be regular - even a 20 minute walk daily will help. You should also think about reading some good self-help books on anxiety/depression/children of divorce.

Regardless of your parents' decisions/actions, you are a separate individual and you need to move your own life forward. Your parents love you in their own way, even if they don't show it the way you would like them to. You need to take charge of your life and be your own best friend. Do things that make you happy. Find people to hang with that make you feel good about yourself. Above all be kind to yourself and do what you must to stop the negative thinking that has brought you to this awful place. You are in control of yourself so only you can make healthy choices for yourself. Take care.