emotional bagage

**kittyluv61** · 10-06-2010 10:37 PM

Here i am at 49, and the way i was brought up stills holds me back from living. Just a little information. i grew up with two heavy drinkers as parents. i belive my dad is a acholic and my mom not to sure, but she begin drinking as a way to do things with him.. he is a hateful drunk, special on the hard stuff, i have had a weight problem since around age 13. so my parents always told me as long as i was fat i would never do anything with my life. never find love. never amount to anything. fat people we less of a person. well as i grew up went on my own. i didn't realize how much it effected me. i started going to OA, and found out how i really felt. Last few years i have began to isolate myself, and realized when i worked i did this also. worked went home, stayed aways from doing things on my own. now i can stay at home for months with out leaving. I fear stanger reaction. what they might think. after i got my disability, i had to live with my parents till a open in one bedroom apartment came open. i was told over and over how they hated have a fat person live in their house. i have no self confidence. if a man pays any attention to me my first thought is why is he looking at me, . if people are around me laughing , i think it at me.... A few years ago this couple walking behind me started barking and calling me a dog. all the way from sears from one side to the other, and out in the parking lot. neadless i have not been back to the mall. i think if i never had to leave the house, i would be find. i am lonely and do not share this with many. i think all the timne if i just disappeared i would be missed. most of the time i feel i am just taking up space. thankfully i am on medication keeps me from sitting in a dark room. or staying in bed.. the longer i stay home the harder it is to get out around others..

**lonestar** · 10-11-2010 03:30 PM

OK- first off, your parents are not happy with the lives they have chosen and they don't want any better for you. They are selfish people. I'm sorry to say that about the people who gave you life, but they should be ashamed of themselves. I know what it is like- my mother critisizes me for wanting to go to a university to finish college but it's only because she went to a community college her entire college career. She and my stepdad always say that I'll never be able to get in, that I should stop trying, blah blah blah. I used to let it bother me (and it still sucks, don't get me wrong), but I say f them. I live for the day when I mail them my acceptance letter. I believe we are all here to do something. You are too! Do not socialize with your parents, they will only get you down. It's no wonder you have no self confidence, they are terrible people to say those things to you. Have you tried seeing someone? It helps to have an unbiased 3rd party... what medication are you taking? Some anti-depressants have the complete opposite effect on people.
As far as the couple and the dog comment- people are s hit. I don't blame you for wanting to stay at home!! I feel the same way a lot! You just can't let it bother you. You just can't.
Do you have friends you can talk to? Any kind of support system??
In the meantime, try to find a goal- something you've always wanted to do or try. DO IT! SEIZE THE DAY!

**clueless12** · 10-11-2010 04:11 PM

I feel so Lonley sometimes I just wish I could end my life but I cant do it.
I am a single mother of a beautiful 3yr old boy. My parents live far so I am on my own. I have a few friends but its hard to open up to them as I feel they wont understand. I guess I have always felt lonely as far back that I can remember. It started when I was around 15 years old when all my friends use to get all the boyfriends and I would be the one left out, the ugly friend. I always thought that maybe one day that things will turn around and i will be free of the loneliness but it never did I am 1 yrs and i feel worst now then ever. Men have never been interested in me because I am so ugly to the point that people have mistaken me for a man. the farther of my son was using me and i didnt mind because it felt good to be wanted in some way and thats how i fell pregant with my son ( the relationship didnt last). I try to put all my feeling to the back of my mind to do my daily things but at times it hits me and i feel so sick with it. As each year goes by it gets harder as i feel i am fading away. the only thing that keeps me going is my son and my family.

**Lunar Keiki** · 10-11-2010 05:00 PM

Have you thought about maybe joining a mom's group, where there are other moms with toddlers that you can begin to form friendships with? Just start small, and see where that takes you. You need to get out and active for the sake of your son. Soon he will want to play sports--soccer is so popular. You need to be able to get out there for him. Take him to the park and for walks to get some fresh air and exercise. It is hard at the beginning, but it gets easier the more you do it. Kick a ball around at the park, fly a kite, have a picnic. Your are all the real family your son has and he needs you so you need to be there physically and emotionally for him.

**KMonte85** · 10-12-2010 08:12 AM

to kitty and clueless - I think you both would benefit GREATLY from seeking counseling. kitty, I'm glad to hear that you chose to attend OA - that's one step in the right direction to get an idea of what you're really feeling. But talking to a therapist could really really help you - working through the hurt, the mistreatment, and gaining confidence and a sense of self worth - these are all things that would help you to end your loneliness, and become happy and healthy.

No one deserves to be belittled, tall/skinny/short/fat/maculine/feminine/yadda yadda yadda... we are all human. I think sometimes the people in this world forget their own humanity, are unhappy with themselves, and so they spit venom to everyone they can to try and improve their own bleak outlooks on life. It's a sad cycle, and unfortunately I think everyone can say that they have been on the receiving end of people like that, to varying degrees of course.

Please do know that you deserve so much more. You are not to blame for the terrible mistreatment. And please do think about speaking with a professional about your mistreatment, so that you can begin to heal and see the beauty in life again.

**lonestar** · 10-12-2010 08:30 AM

to Clueless- you are not alone. You have your sweet son! When you feel lonely, pour yourself into him. He is your main focus; live to provide the best for him. Good parenting is very important to a child's upbringing.

**WildChild** · 10-12-2010 08:39 AM

Originally Posted by kittyluv61

so my parents always told me as long as i was fat i would never do anything with my life. never find love. never amount to anything. fat people we less of a person.

after i got my disability, i had to live with my parents till a open in one bedroom apartment came open. i was told over and over how they hated have a fat person live in their house.

Why are you making these hatefull people right?

Please get contact your county services and get some help, so you can learn to find some pleasure in your life. Your son deserves to have a happy mother. YOU deserve to be happy.

**ilovecupcakes** · 10-12-2010 08:49 AM

[B] I have had an alcoholic father, and my mother wasnt an alcholic but because he was always going out and my mom was so codependant she followed him everywhere and developed a drinking problem. Everyone has issues. You need to talk to someone. Do you have any brothers or sisters? Any friends? Go to Alanon, its for people with family members who are alcoholic. My mom went to that and made tons of friends and even got better.