depression taking over everything...

**IvoryBones87** · 11-21-2010 01:47 AM

i just cant seem to shake this horrible feeling of depression and loneliness and a basic "i dont give a s*** about anything" additude. because honestly, right now, i don't. i haven't for months really, but it just seems to keep getting worse for me. the more days that pass, the more sad i get, but yet i can't do anything about it and i can't even cry. i don't even remember the last time i did cry. i need to cry, i feel like i need to hit something and keep hitting it hard until it's pulverized into little undiscernable pieces. and then stomp on the pieces. i just feel so horrible and cant shake this horrible sadness inside of me...i'll have times where i'm in a better mood, but then things remind me that life sucks and then it just washes back over me. i dont know what to do.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-21-2010 01:57 AM

Hey Ivory, nearly everyone get's "stuck in a rut", something occurs to make things feel like they can not get better and some people jump the hurdle before it gets this bad and find a way out and others can't see any light and get worse and worse to the point months go by.

But you know what? Only one person can change this you..

Baby steps is what you need.

Firstly, you have to acknowledge what made you start this spiral months ago? Job, a man, weight? What was it?

Did you sit at home and distance yourself from everyone, close friends, family?

Do you have support from anyone at all?

Why not just share a little here and there, on this Forum people can relate and we can also try to help you jump it, step by step by step..

Your not alone...

CW

**IvoryBones87** · 11-21-2010 02:17 AM

thanks CW.
i've been through alot in my life...
i really dont feel like explaining it all right now...i really need to go to bed honestly. lol
thank you for the support. i need it right now. ♥

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-21-2010 02:40 AM

Welcome but you don't get off so easily,

You need us, and we want to help so pftttt, wake up and type

I appreciate you were sharing, but you were reaching as well.

**IvoryBones87** · 11-24-2010 12:42 AM

i'm sorry i never posted back...i'm sort shy and i have a hard time with putting my feelings out there, feeling bad about it/like i dont deserve help and just run away from help.

thank you for responding.

i've had a very hard time lately. part of the reason is family things...my parents are getting divorced and my grandma is in bad health.
and the rest of the stress is from being taken advantage of by a guy in one of my classes. i have to see him every other day. and hearing his voice and knowing hes in the same room makes chills go up my spine and makes my stomach turn. i just want to die. its horrible. it was my first "sexual" encounter...if you'd call it that...and i already had issues with trusting people, esp guys, but now i feel so numb and like nothing matters anymore. i dont care about school or grades or friends or keeping people happy...i dont even care about lying anymore and having my family think everything is ok with me. it just takes too much energy to lie anymore. the only reason i keep lying about how i feel is because if my mom really knew just how depressed i was, it would devastate her. she is the reason i try my hardest to keep going to school and trying. in reality, i dont care about anything anymore. i just dont care at all. i dont feel like there's any point in trying anymore.

**IvoryBones87** · 11-24-2010 12:43 AM

double post...

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-24-2010 01:25 AM

Originally Posted by IvoryBones87

i'm sorry i never posted back...i'm sort shy and i have a hard time with putting my feelings out there, feeling bad about it/like i dont deserve help and just run away from help.

thank you for responding.

i've had a very hard time lately. part of the reason is family things...my parents are getting divorced and my grandma is in bad health.
and the rest of the stress is from being taken advantage of by a guy in one of my classes. i have to see him every other day. and hearing his voice and knowing hes in the same room makes chills go up my spine and makes my stomach turn. i just want to die. its horrible. it was my first "sexual" encounter...if you'd call it that...and i already had issues with trusting people, esp guys, but now i feel so numb and like nothing matters anymore. i dont care about school or grades or friends or keeping people happy...i dont even care about lying anymore and having my family think everything is ok with me. it just takes too much energy to lie anymore. the only reason i keep lying about how i feel is because if my mom really knew just how depressed i was, it would devastate her. she is the reason i try my hardest to keep going to school and trying. in reality, i dont care about anything anymore. i just dont care at all. i dont feel like there's any point in trying anymore.

Ivory, you took the first step

I would feel proud of myself for writing all of that down, and it's understandable why you are feeling the way you are, it's almost like everything is happening at once right?

When the first thing occurred it hurt, then came another blow and then with a broken heart, feeling at your lowest, some idiot decided to take advantage of the situation...

There I am going to say to you "IDIOT" ... he's not like you is he, no morals, standards, mean, cruel, a user... Nothing like you at all, you have heart, soul and that is why you are hurting so much, feeling so down...

To him? I would walk past with my head held high and say to him " your scum, worthless, I hope you realise all the girls you hurt you must feel good about yourself, how weak are you"....

With your grandma, I loved my grandma very very much, she was like my rock, I know it's hard to lose someone but you know? It has to happen, it's not a fault, it's life you have to realise that and tell her you love her, let her hold you, hug you back... It's the knowing that you love her and her you that you need right now..

Divorce is hard, but again you know? It's just that they have different paths in life now, and hopefully they may become friends at least, but they are your parents and you will see both of them, just not together, you haven't lost either of them.

When you read all of this, can you see it's not as bad as you thought? We always see negatives and they can get us down, but when you look at the positives? You can spend time still with Grandma, you will always have both of your parents in your life, and that guy is an idiot scum and you can have the final word, they are all positives right?

You should talk to your Mother, it's strange, you can see my age, but we all need someone.. She would also need you at the moment, to help her through the Divorce, know that your there and you need to communicate to her that you need her, through all of what you are going through, you need each other...

She will not feel at all devestated she will feel needed and loved ... And, that someone is there for her as well..

Look deeply into what I just said...

Stay with us and use us as your sounding board, because doesn't matter that your shy, this is anonymous

CW

**IvoryBones87** · 11-24-2010 02:04 AM

thank you very much. ♥ its nice to know you are here for me. i really needed to hear that.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-24-2010 02:06 AM

Better believe it sweetheart

**IvoryBones87** · 11-25-2010 02:35 AM

not feeling very good atm...my mood jumps around alot, mostly i think because i try my hardest during the day when around people to mask how i depressed i really am, and then when i'm alone at night, it reminds me how depressed and alone i really feel...its 3am and we are having thanksgiving with my relatives in 9hrs.. my hair is in a big knotted mess because i honestly have just been putting it up over and over again and not washing it for 2 weeks...honestly. 2 weeks. and now its taken me hours to brush it out. still not done...its just depressing when you realize that your hair is a knotted mess and you've been letting yourself go to school and out in public for 2 whole weeks without even bathing. sadface.