Just Found Out Our 20 Yr Old Son Was Molested 16 Yrs Ago By My Brother......

**hartnettt** · 11-24-2010 01:17 AM

The last two weeks have been pretty eye opening. I am wondering whether anyone, has some advice on what happened in my family 16 yrs ago.

My husband & I, had moved into my parents house as I was in and out of the hospital pregnant with triplets. My oldest son (4 at the time and his brother not even a yr at the time) were basically taken care of by my mom during this time.

Our oldest son was married last year but has gone through years of anxiety, depression, ocd. Meds never worked for him.

We believe he married young to get out of our house and possibly, away from us. He had a lot of anger at my husband & I during the last few years at home. He recently began counseling.

Two weeks ago, he called telling us that during his session he began to have memories of my brother (21 at the time) standing over him taking off his belt. He described overalls that he did have and the room in the house was described as I remember it.

My husband was thrown out of my parents house after my son had told him (at 4) he was being touched by his uncle.

I remember them coming to see me and the nurses at the hospital had me call cps. After the triplets were born my husband came home drunk. He believes it was because he confronted my parents about my brother. They now seem to have no memory of this.

My son fought serious fear, anxiety throughout his childhood. My mom has told him that my husband and I, had issues with prescription meds drinking. Husband did undergo several of shoulder surgeries and had drank which was not good several of times that caused me to leave with the kids. But, he has not drank for 8 yrs and has become an awesome father.

I dont think there was enough of this to create his anxiety problems. Anyway, after we had moved out with all of the kids my brother stole $10000.00 from my dad (actually, my dad lent my money to him) Then, it was a lot of hurts from my family over and over throughout the years.

My son talked to both of my parents when he had gained understanding in counseling. My parents said they believed him and they were responsible as we were in their home etc.

My brother is married with two little girls and a baby boy. He has serious prescription drug problems leaving his pregnant wife without food or transportation when ready to deliver. They have just moved back into our area.

My mom is trying to insist that my family (without son) show up for thanksgiving with my brother there. She told me that if I were to tell my brother's about this molestation she and my dad would deny it and not have anything more to do with me.

I know this is a long time ago but it's like my parents are so controlled by my brother not caring what he has done to hurt myself or my family.

My parents are in their 80's but I have stopped talking to them for the last week. My brother's (2 of them are pastors) if this is disclosed to them it would probably have to be reported.

Now, my brother, his wife (I really feel for her) are going to our church where we attended for 7 yrs. So, because we cant handle seeing him I am losing my family, my church what next?

Should this be let go and concentrate on each of us healing? That is what is so important for our son. Now, he knows that we were not "evil parents"

He was being fed this to discredit us.

Another thing is that in kindergarten he told us his bus driver was touching him. We took it to the school dist. and he was interviewed etc. The poor driver ended up retiring. ( I still dont know if this was from the original incident.

Then, several years later he disclosed a landlord living near us was touching his younger brother. He thinks this is all post tramatic stress. I know this is old and involved but any suggestions? Should we break away from my family?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-24-2010 02:03 AM

he began to have memories of my brother (21 at the time) standing over him taking off his belt. He described overalls that he did have and the room in the house was described as I remember it.

Our oldest son was married last year but has gone through years of anxiety, depression, ocd. Meds never worked for him.

My husband was thrown out of my parents house after my son had told him (at 4) he was being touched by his uncle.

My mom has told him that my husband and I, had issues with prescription meds drinking.

I dont think there was enough of this to create his anxiety problems

Another thing is that in kindergarten he told us his bus driver was touching him. We took it to the school dist. and he was interviewed etc. The poor driver ended up retiring. ( I still dont know if this was from the original incident.

Then, several years later he disclosed a landlord living near us was touching his younger brother. He thinks this is all post tramatic stress. I know this is old and involved but any suggestions? Should we break away from my family?

Welcome to the Forum hartnett...

I have highlighted what I think are the important parts.

Firstly, I see two things, your son saw your brother take off his belt, he told your parents at 4, they ignored him, now believe him and basically are letting him cope with it, deal with it, standing by their son, ignoring you, your husband..

They are defending, using your drugs and drinking..

But, drugs/drinks, he could have been left alone alot, you two could have been fighting alot, he would have felt left out irrespective, that coupled with being ignored at 4 by his grandparents is enough to have huge anxiety and be angry....

You had your reasons and we forget our children when we are down, depressed...ourselves...

But what worries me is the continuation of his discussions, driver touching him, seveal years later, landlord touching his brother, this needs to be looked into more, his pain and suffering and non believe all those years, this could be a cry for help, it could be fictional... Maybe hypnotherapy can assist in this, I'm not calling him a lier but I am worried that this occured again and then to his brother, it sounds like a serious cry for help....

I am glad that he is seeing someone but he now NEEDS his parents to believe in him, to be there for him and in my opinon, the fact that your parents stated to him they believed him but are shunning him out due to her other sons being pastors and saving "face" for themselves, in their community, that is not being a parent, when you worry more about what people will say, think, be it old fashioned I feel that it is not love at all, and I would cut all ties full stop.

It's sad to lose family but you have yours, your child.. If your parents will not stand up for their grandchild, you stand up for your son as parents...

CW

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-26-2010 11:46 PM

Hey sweet, it's difficult for anyone else to answer you until you come back perhaps and guide us a little more into whether you agree, disagree with the above what you see from that response and then people can respond...

70 odd people have viewed this, it's an extremely difficult one but it's possible there is more to this, what do you think...

CW

**capella050505** · 12-23-2010 09:44 PM

I would not make a " big thing " about it to your parents and brother because like you said.. they would just deny you and hate you.. I would, however, back off and keep some distance... Your son is 20 and why would he lie about this now? maybe at a younger age they do it for attention.. but when they get older they understand the situation more. If your son does not want to see your brother DONT MAKE HIM.. because they will only increase stress and anxiety... and can even push him into a state of psychosis because he couldnt deal with the stress. If i was in your shoes I would see my parents when my brother was not there. I would find a new church, because god is everywhere not just a building. Especially now that this church reminds you of this situation... I think your son is the most important thing.. his mental health and him understanding that you love him, and that he is safe now.

**kunicrnangel** · 12-27-2010 07:03 PM

Let me just tell you.... I am a survivor of something like this. Its been over 25+ years and until The other day...I put this memory in the back of my mind trying to forget. I can tell you first hand where it happened what EXACT music was playing that night and I WOULD LOVE to FORGET! But, I CAN'T! Some people say I should "Just get over it" "It happened so long ago." "It was in the past". Well, its not as easy as people think! I was 13 yrs old. This individual that did this to me is 10 yrs older than me. He was an adult! He was to be my protector!!! I kept it a secret for 5 yrs before I told my family. 5 yrs to that time frame it almost happened to me a second time, until I could hold on to the secret any longer. The individal that did this to me told me I should not tell anyone and that no one would ever believe me. Well, after I said something..... He was confronted and he CONFESSED! I am TRYING to forgive... but you can NEVER EVER FORGET! (Let me tell you that my brother is 5 yrs younger than me and he did not even understand the time this happened.. He was there... and even though he knows this happened.. he thinks I should just get over it. It was so long ago.) If it was not for my husband being there I would have fell apart!
So I ask you this.... After so many years... you find yourself in the same room with the indvidual and he acts like nothing EVER happened!! What do you do? How do you act? If you must know. I was the bigger person the other day. I kept my distance and did not interact with him. There was NO appology (Sorry my spelling sucks!) And he is now in my life again. Any suggestions???

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

Welcome to the Forum hartnett...

I have highlighted what I think are the important parts.

Firstly, I see two things, your son saw your brother take off his belt, he told your parents at 4, they ignored him, now believe him and basically are letting him cope with it, deal with it, standing by their son, ignoring you, your husband..

They are defending, using your drugs and drinking..

But, drugs/drinks, he could have been left alone alot, you two could have been fighting alot, he would have felt left out irrespective, that coupled with being ignored at 4 by his grandparents is enough to have huge anxiety and be angry....

You had your reasons and we forget our children when we are down, depressed...ourselves...

But what worries me is the continuation of his discussions, driver touching him, seveal years later, landlord touching his brother, this needs to be looked into more, his pain and suffering and non believe all those years, this could be a cry for help, it could be fictional... Maybe hypnotherapy can assist in this, I'm not calling him a lier but I am worried that this occured again and then to his brother, it sounds like a serious cry for help....

I am glad that he is seeing someone but he now NEEDS his parents to believe in him, to be there for him and in my opinon, the fact that your parents stated to him they believed him but are shunning him out due to her other sons being pastors and saving "face" for themselves, in their community, that is not being a parent, when you worry more about what people will say, think, be it old fashioned I feel that it is not love at all, and I would cut all ties full stop.

It's sad to lose family but you have yours, your child.. If your parents will not stand up for their grandchild, you stand up for your son as parents...

CW

**JustHormonious** · 12-27-2010 10:41 PM

kunicrnangel - The difference between now and then is you are in control of the situation. You decide if you want to be around this individual or not. It took alot of courage for you to remain in the same room with him. Why did you stay? Was he prosecuted or did this go unreported? No one has the right to tell you to get over it, deal with this in your own way. Some people do forgive but they will never forget.