Lack of orgasm creating depression

**simplethere** · 11-24-2010 01:29 AM

Are you allowed to post here if you are a male?

**simplethere** · 11-24-2010 03:05 AM

my wife is the one not reaching climax but we both are feeling really helpless. I will explain more if men are allowed to post and if I am in the right section

**Seeker_Advice** · 11-24-2010 05:10 AM

Yes, about being male. It's okay, there are several of us in here.

I don't know what section is the right section....mental health or sex. Chicken or the egg? Doesn't matter, the moderators are very good at moving threads to their proper section.

Try to keep your posts and replies brief and to the point (if you are able).

An observation based on what little you have written so far:

More than 70% of the orgasms women experience are clitoral based. Less than 30% are vaginal based. If you are having "trouble" getting her to orgasm during vaginal intercourse, in missionary with man on top, move your body up a little bit so as you thrust your pubic bone rubs her clitoral area (as an example).

There are also some GREAT books to be read. Do a search on Books and watch for recommendations from WildChild. Two books I'd highly recommend are SHE COMES FIRST by Ian Kerner Ph.D. and THE ONE HOUR ORGASM (sorry, can't think of the author's name).

Welcome to the forum, it's a great place to seek and give advice on all sorts of topics.

**stressed** · 11-25-2010 04:36 AM

Of course you're allowed to post here. The more information you give us the better advice we can give you.

SA is correct, most women don't reach a vaginal orgasm, neither of you is to blame. Keep trying various positions, ask her what feels better, even try with a couple of toys, read books, but do try not to let it disappoint you. Even those women who can reach an orgasm during sex don't always do so.

**simplethere** · 02-21-2012 03:56 AM

Thanks for your responses. Sorry it has taken so long to post here but I forgot I started this thread.

Ok so I will try to make this as short as possible for me. The original title about creating depression is true. Pretty much that feeling comes when I think about her not. I am not sure what I am looking to get out of this but a support group and maybe to vent a little.

I have been married 8 years. My wife and I had never had a serious relationship and were raised theologically close when it comes to faith. I say this to give a little back ground and to point out that we were both virgins. Our honeymoon was incredible and was reaffirmed on my decision to only have one sexual partner my whole life. We continued to have a great sex life as one would assume, about 4 to 6 times a week. It really hadn't concerned me that she didn't have an orgasm because I figured it would take time. Then when the two years mark of constant sex but still no orgasm came around the concern was starting to swell. During the first two years we didn't use any toys or other resources. We just did all kinds of positions, places (car, outside, roofs, etc.), cunnilingus (which she doesn't like to much and thought maybe I was doing something wrong, so I read some books and sought advice but didn't make a difference.. because it's all pretty obvious but did learn some techniques I hadn't thought about), cunnilingus with fingers, just fingers, full body massaging with oils, baths with a lot of foreplay, i even striped on occasion.., did the whole romantic thing where you do everything that she likes, flowers in the morning, breakfast in bed, cleaning, making favorite lunch and a candle lite dinner then going for a long walk after dinner holding hands, coming home and watch a movie of her choice and slowly getting distracted because I am massaging her.. Did this many times. We were newly married and I was just trying to please her and didn't really think about her cumming until after the first year where I made conscience efforts to make the situation right for it. Well after two years I decided I would talk to her about it, I didn't want to put any pressure on her so I knew I had to choose my words correctly. So I did and we talked about it. She said it is frustrating that she can't go and she gets to a point but instead of cumming she just gets really frustrated and wants all sexual activity to stop. I did know this because at times we would have sex for hours and she would seem like she was getting close but just would stop. I kinda liked it like that because why should I cum if she doesn't get to. So I asked if there was anything I could do and she didn't think that having an orgasm is necessary and was fine the way it is. I know I should just be able to take that and move on but my biggest joy in life is pleasing people and I want to do that for her. She says again that she is pleased and that it's not a big deal. So that was that... of course as time went on the issue didn't leave my brain or hers. After a while I brought it up again and she said she was broken and she can't have one. I tried to tell her that she can but just should try some new methods. She agreed to get a vibrator and some reading materials about how to please herself. She had never masterbaited before and didn't think to highly of it. She read the books and masterbaited but ended up getting frustrated each time. We bought more toys over the years and have used them during sex and she has used them alone as well. She suggested watching porn together, which was interesting cause I had never watch porn just pictures when I was younger. It obviously didn't work but made me feel even worse about not being able to bring her pleasure. Everytime we go to buy a new toy we ended up discussing her orgasm.

I know that everyone says the more you focus on it the further it goes away. I have tried this as well... I went a full year not saying a word about it and unfortuneitly it just made it worse for me. I realized that I was setting the orgasm as a goal.. so I would just have a new goal and focused on foreplay. She enjoyed that goal of mine and it seemingly worked for me for a few months but I felt less desire to have sex for long periods of time. I just figured if I am not trying to bring her to climax during sex the longer I go the more likely I will think about it and get depressed. So I tried to cum as fast as possible. She had never complained about our sex life until after that went on for a while. Sadly that solution was working for me but realized I was being selfish. So I ditched my new goal/sex style and kinda just replaced it with only having sex when she wants to. Which is about 1-2 times a week. I want to stop thinking about it but for some reason it's not going away. People say before you get married that you need to watch out for expectations because we all have them and if your partner doesn't meet those expectations then it will bring problem in your marriage. I prepared myself, I thought, pretty well for marriage but didn't realize that my wife having an orgasm was a expectation I had. I don't know, just kinda figured that it was something every human did. This has been the biggest struggle for me and now I question if only having one sexual partner in life is really a good thing. The problem is I could care less about giving anyone else an orgasm because it's not her. I even told her that she could have sex with someone else if it's something about me that is causing this problem. I just want her to enjoy that part of life.. even though I am not a women... I feel if your orgasm is 1/100 of what ours feel like then it's something every person should experience. Wow, this is a book.. sorry for the rambling. Won't be surprised if no one reads this... I am not even going to proof read it.. haha.

Again, not sure what I am expecting out of typing all this. She wasn't molested as a child and has a very good libido, no religious problems with it. I do feel it could be something with her control and not being able to relax. She also has some difficulty expressing what she likes but slowly she gets around to it. She over thinks everything, very introspective. I suggested the possibility of talking to a therapist but that was quickly shot down. Physically she is in prefect health though she does have a spine problem. Of course I see that as a possibility but know most likely that's not it, who knows? She doesn't take any meds just birth control which she is coming off soon. It's gotten to the point where we don't communicate about the subject at all.

Maybe I do have a question.. is there any good way to encourage a women to want to have an orgasm?.. (that's a dumb question, the answer is no.. it's not me so I shouldn't worry about it)

How bout this one, is there anyone else in this situation? I would like to hear your story because it seems like no one understands.. it's one thing when a women can't orgasm during sex but it a whole other one when she can't at all!

If you had this situation what did you do? Any success stories, how did you deal with it? Did you stick it out?

Thanks ahead for any responses.

**ItsASecret** · 02-21-2012 11:21 AM

I do not really have any advice for the relationship part but I can say that I am one of the many women that hardly have an orgasm. Much like your wife I am okay with not having an orgasm during sex, sure it would be nice to but I do not need it to still feel good during sex. I am able to but it does take a very very long time and that alone makes me feel less inclined to bother trying. I rarely go through with masturbation (maybe once every few months? maybe?) because it takes so long to orgasm, close to a half hour sometimes, and I really do not like to do it in the first place. But during sex the only way I finish is if I am on top sitting as flat on him as I can (he is larger so I cannot always sit flat because it hurts) and moving my hips around in a circle while rubbing myself. That is the only way and it still takes about 10 minutes or more. He also often finishes too quickly so I get nowhere close to orgasm even if I try. No other position works for me even if I still rub, missionary does not, from behind does not, being on the side of the bed, legs up on his shoulders, spooning, nothing else works only me on top in that specific way. Your wife may need a specific position and rubbing method that she does not yet know of.

When she does try to orgasm during sex or otherwise does she rub herself or does she just allow for you to slide in and out or the toy in and out and hope for the best? Biology has made it so there is far less sensitivity to simply pushing an object in and out of the vagina, this includes simply using a finger. The reason? Childbirth. The vagina was created to have far less sensation in the vagina so we women do not physically die from the immense pain of childbirth. Simply moving some stuff around in there is not going to cause an orgasm, it is possible to increase the chances if she is mentally very aroused though. The number of women who can orgasm in this manner with simply in and out is far less than the average. However, the clitoris is the area packed with about 8 times more nerve endings and no real purpose other than pleasure. If she does not already rub it during sex, during the motions of whatever you are doing then maybe give that a shot. It can take awhile for some women but the chances of orgasm are far greater if she incorporates that physical clitoris rubbing.

Oral on the other hand can be hit and miss. If she is a woman who discovers she needs strong physical stimulation there to get the "feel good tingles" then a simply soft tongue moving around may not even register. I know that is basically the case for me, not even remotely close to finishing from oral because I require a physical stimulation far greater than a simple push of the tongue. Also if she already does not enjoy it that much then the chance of orgasm is pretty much slim to none as there is no mental arousal factor contributing. Mental arousal during any act going to increase the chance of orgasm.

**simplethere** · 02-21-2012 05:21 PM

Thanks for the response. I really wouldn't know what to say to me either. But if you read my long post above... I have tried everything. I mean everything, when you are having sex 6 times a week for 6 years you tend to experiment. Of course when she tries to orgasm she is doing clitoral stimulation. Here are some examples off the top of my head while having sex in every position you can think of including her on top: she rubs herself, I rub her, we used multiple toys including we-vibe(which stimulates the clit and the gspot during sex), anal sex with a dildo in the vagina and her rubbing her clit with fingers or a vibrator, and the opposite of that.. There are many more but those are the ones off the top of my head. But the most important part is the foreplay, and making her feel loved and beautiful which I spend the most time on.

The problem is that even though you may have difficulties reaching orgasm, you do reach it. If the woman cannot have a orgasm by herself how do you expect her to get one with someone else. It may be easier for her to reach it with someone else then being alone but the fact is that it is possible for her to reach it by herself. Now if you told me that you have tried, I mean really tried to reach orgasm by herself but could not, the only way to reach it is by someone else that would be another story and worth talking about. But even then I highly doubt there is someone out there that can only reach orgasm through someone else and actually tried to on their own and couldn't. And yes we have tried me massaging her in a variety of ways while she masterbaites but the outcome is the same.

Unfortunately difficulties reaching orgasm and never reaching orgasm is two completely different things. Though I appreciate your input I would really like to hear from people that have never had an orgasm or their wife has never had an orgasm. Though if you were in my wives boat and never reached orgasm and the only way was from having sex or masterbaiting while sky diving then I would like to hear that.

**ItsASecret** · 02-21-2012 06:28 PM

Is she sure she has not reached orgasm? You will read online and on here that a lot of women say they have not and that they are "broken" but when they get to describing what happens to their body others will chime in saying "that is actually an orgasm". It is the disconnect of not knowing what to actually expect that can create a problem. If a woman has never had an orgasm then all she has to compare it to is descriptions of others which could be described as an over-the-top wild explosion of physical feelings and emotions you know? If a woman has not experienced an over the top emotional explosion like she thinks an orgasm is like, or however she believes it should be, then she will continue to say she does not have one, when in reality she may be having them but is just not aware of it. I don't know, I am just shooting out an idea based on what has previously been asked on his site-and yes the same lack of orgasm has been asked numerous times.

I am sure you have already searched to no end but it is the tensing of muscles, the contractions, and possible flushing of the skin that is a signal of an orgasm. It could be weak contractions of the vaginal muscles but a rapid succession of that motion is an orgasm, it is possible to barely feel much with a weak orgasm but it is still an orgasm no less. There may be no emotional reaction either other than a sigh or a slight release of breath, each woman is different but it could be that your wife is having an orgasm, you mention she does get to a point, but she does not know what to expect so she does not regard it as an orgasm. All you can really ask is how she feels during that "up to a point" point. If it gets more tingly she needs to go with it, you have probably already told he that but encouragement is needed and not the pressuring (I know you are not pressuring her but she may still believe everything is a goal). A lot of women will say they feel that build up then immediately stop because they think they will pee (the peeing sensation is common before an orgasm), or they are too scared to feel what comes next so they stop all thoughts, or they stop the sex because they do not want to let their body just run its course in that moment. You can do a site search here and really see the different replies people have given, they are asking the same things as you and have tried everything under the sun lol.

**simplethere** · 02-21-2012 10:04 PM

Yeah I have said the same thing but she assures me that she has not because every time she gets close she says she hits a wall and immediately gets frustrated and overly sensitive or numb to the action she was just doing.

I do think it's a control thing and I have tried many times, softly encouraging her to relax and breathe. But it gets nowhere. I could list all the methods that we have tried.. but one in particular that I thought would be helpful.. if nothing else give her a little relaxation time was to schedule a certain time in the day just for her to discover herself and not "try" to have a orgasm. Just relax and enjoy yourself but she gets bored and doesn't see the point.

**BabyGirl** · 03-04-2012 08:22 AM

Hi Simplethere.
Welcome.

Wow it sure seems you have tried everything in the Books. She is lucky to have a man that cares so much about her Pleasures during the "Love Making "

Sex is such a " General Physical Word" for intercourse. Look at Nature, Animals Breed during a Season time, they do not have Intercourse for Pleasure ! They do it to Procreate.

Making Love is so much better in Relationships. Having a Loving Sexual Relationship, does not always mean Climaxing. And possibly as ,Secret says, she may be Climaxing, just not in that " Over powering, Screaming out your Name, Leaving Scratches on you Back Kind. ".

One thing here, I wish to add.,,
If she seems Happy and Willing to make Love with you and She does Not Complain that she is not or never will be " Satisfied" and the rest of the relationship is good, loving and without Problems, well serious one's . as all relationships have some problems.

Then you are doing your Best. You are to be Commended. Just make sure you spend enough time attempting to pleasure her and though you may not think she is "Pleasured", your worries about " getting her to the Climax" seems to be more of an issue with you.

Not in a Negative way. But if you are focused Only on her having the " Big O " and you get " depressed" about not " succeeding" in your "Task or Challenge". To me, that can be a damaging thing to your own , eventual, Happiness with your Wife.

You say you were both Virgins, That is Awesome and Rare, but it is happening more and more these days, People are saving themselves for the " Right One" instead of experimenting.

So you two are on the " Right Track" to many peoples Ideology.
The only concern here, is you Mentioning " maybe she could Climax with another man " ?
That seems to be something that shows a true " Emotion of Dysfunction " in your feeling You Cannot bring her to Orgasm, but another might be able to ?
And that can of course , turn into a Depressive state.
Which will most likely, have you not wanting to make Love and then it may " Domino Effect" to where neither of you want to make love as you both just " give Up ".

That would be Very " Depressing" to any Couple that wants to Marry for Life.
So ..
...

Be happy with her, be Happy and Thankful, that she will try some things and maybe not some things. Believe that you both are trying and still in the same bedroom and having are just "Making Love".