Help for my dearest friend.....

**stariana** · 12-16-2010 11:14 AM

My first post on here, and it's not even about me..... I have a dear friend, we are closer than most sisters I know, who has recently remembered a suppressed memory of what I will assume was sexual abuse when she was only a small child. For the longest time, she could not remember her childhood, and now she knows why. Since the memories have occurred, she has turned to alcohol to try to re-forget. We have been best friends since grade school, and I feel I must help her. She has told no one except me what is happening to her, so I know I'm it as far as a confidant. I believe she has been drinking for sometime now, and is really struggling. She has an alcoholic husband, and two teenage daughters who have watched her decline. She said she has tried to explain as best she can to the girls what is happening, but I think it's too much for them to understand. In speaking with her husband, his advice was, "leave it in the past".....

How do I help my friend? I suggested counseling, but don't want to be pushy about it. I can listen, but am scared I might say the wrong thing.... I hope someone reads this that has survived a similar experience and can share some insight with me as to what to do next. I told her I was proud of her finally talking about it with me. I also told her I have known for a while that she had turned to drinking, and knew enough to let her come to me when she was ready. I am currently divorcing an addict, have done the Alanon thing, and I get it when it comes to someone with addiction problems, they're not going to change until they are ready. I think she's ready to put down the drink, but if she doesn't confront her past and work through it, I fear she will only continue to spiral out of control.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-25-2010 04:38 PM

This is hard because she's reaching out and no-one (except for you), is listening....

When you remember something like that, it destroys you.. You need all the support you can get, her husband's attitude is wrong...He doesn't want to deal with it, mainly because he has his own problems, otherwise, he wouldn't be an alcoholic and so she's gone to his level, to forget...

Your right, teenage girls, it's too much to take in and in addition having both parents as alcoholics is not going to help them through their schooling, society or employment....

If she wasn't ready, she wouldn't be reaching out. Maybe point blank tell her she is "important", this is "important", her husband has his own issues so is sweeping it under the mat, her children, need a happy environment to come home to, and she needs to smile again and live...So, for now, her going to Counselling would be good for her and you will be there too for her as an ear, to listen and just be there.....

She needs closure on this...She may need to confront this person (later) when she is ready,and tell him, she knows and how could he have done this....Either get it all out, and find his answer, and forgive, or find his answer and get closure, even if that ends up being, reporting him....

That is the only way she is going to recover from this....

Unfortunately without closure, people feel "was it my fault?"...that's the first step in my opinion, to make her realise it wasn't her fault and for her to believe that and I believe that will be the first step of a Counsellor as well because from there, you can work out how to get the closure....

She has to confront her past and work through it...Don't be frightened to speak, but constantly re-assure her you are there, your not going anywhere, ever and that it wasn't her fault......guide her to get that help..

CW

**stariana** · 12-28-2010 08:14 AM

CW - I can't thank you enough for you reply,it is exactly how I have been feelin. Unfortunately, I believe her suppressed memories are only the tip of the ice burgh with her family disfunction. As of this past weekend, she got news that her oldest daughter has begun cutting. It's a mess, every aspect of their "perfect family" image that they try to put out there. I spoke with her again, that at this point, the whole family needs counseling, as a group and individually. She knows I would be there for her in a heartbeat, and have had plenty of experience in my own life with tragedy and coping with it all.... I just wonder how to help her, to make sure she survives all of this, and I just don't know how to help...

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-30-2010 03:42 AM

Cutting is "feeling better" a rush, a release, she can not talk to them any further on this until she understands it, she is putting a tall order on her teenagers that they can't handle....she also can not feel this is her fault...

This is TOO BIG for you sweetheart...

Take her to someone, make that appointment and ensure they know about the cutting....

CW

**stariana** · 12-30-2010 09:41 AM

Hugs to you, my friend! As i read over the many posts you offer to people, i wish we lived closer, i would love to meet you. You're not only insightful, but loving, caring and very wise.... God bless.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-05-2011 01:57 AM

Thank you stariana, I'm sorry with all the posts I read, and Moderate I miss some.

Please do me a favour....Please come back and let me know how you are doing as much as how she is doing....

I'd appreciate it...

CW

**stariana** · 02-02-2011 11:47 AM

Hi CW -
Thinking about you, knowing you are in Australia, hoping you aren't going to be affected by the storm that is hitting there. So far, my friend hasn't reached out to me again, only to "report' she is doing "fine". I think she admitted everything to me on a bad day, and might regret telling me everything. I haven't pursued her, knowing that she needs to work things out with her family. She knows I am a phone call away, and I love her no matter what. She did some volunteering last week at a local soup kitchen, trying to focus on others. Her husband has agreed to not keep liquor in the house, so I guess they only drink together on weekends!?!?? woo hoo for them? Anyway, thanks for you replies to my thread. I know all I can do is be there for her. No one will get help, unless they are ready. . . .