I'm 18, I need help figuring out what happened to me& please help me.
So I'm new to this site, and im sort of looking for feedback on what I should do about this situation, advice,your thoughts etc. I've been trying to figure this out for a couple years.Btw im 18 now.
So summer of 2009, I was really sort of depressed... It got so bad to the point where I set a date to actually commit suicide on june 13th,and I had it all planned out. The reason was because my parents put alot of pressure on me to do well in school, sports,andI also realized that when I was about 10 to11 years old my cousin who was 16 or 17 sexually took advantage of me. I remember him telling me this was the right thing to do.He made me watch pornographic videos,and we did alot af things that I didnt know was bad. I didnt even know what sex was. So I started cutting myself(at the age of 17) to in a way relieve pain, and I did it because I felt like it was my fault, and I'm still not sure whether its my fault or not. So I was cutting for about 6 months, I took alot of prescrption medications just hoping not to wake up in the morning, I prayed to God every night to just kill me, because I didnt want to live anymore... I felt totally alone, I didnt even feel like God was there. I cried myself to sleep in my room every night just thinking about how someone could do that to another person, especially at that age. But at the same time I felt/ FEEL(present) like I was responsible for what happened to me, I feel like now that im his age I can stop it, but I cant go back. So after summer was starting to end and i was progressing into my senior year of high school. I decided to go to church, and I went to this thing called summer camp. Every night during summer camp our pastor gave messages, and speeches about things about life in general. My pastor could tell that something was wrong with me, and he asked me everyday If i was okay,and of course I lied and said I was fine. But one night he spoke about Sexual abuse, and he was directly looking at me, specifically saying it isnt your fault. Right then and there I started crying, but i still didnt tell him he was speaking to me...The last night of summer camp, I finally told someone what happened to me.Without details. And I had soooo much relief, I felt like I could breath...But some how today, I still have ALOTTT of the thoughts I mentioned above, maybe not comitting suicide as much. But i still want to cut myself every now and then,and I replay images of what happened when i was young everyday, I think about it everyday...I question what I did wrong...
yielded, you need to be in counseling. Keeping it in and not letting someone help you through this is tearing you up inside. You did nothing wrong. If you are going to school, ask for help from the nurse. In college, go to the student services for a counselor.
Yeah, I've been told that too...butI'm just afraid to go. And Always having the fear that someone will find out, and think theres something wrong with me. This is an event that I would LOVE to forget, but thats not possible. And working it out on my own obviously isnt working. I know its tearing me up inside, but I really dont want to tell anyone else like in person, and seeing their reactions. Like Im hoping my parents will never find out, and I dont plan on telling them anytime soon...or ever.
Your cousin was wrong because you weren't old enough and didn't know enough to choose. Getting anyone, at anytime in their life, at any age, to do something when they aren't in a condition to make a clear and voluntary, informed choice is wrong.
I would like to ask you think, really think. How were you hurt? Were you physically injured? Was there force involved? My guess is that the harm is emotional?
What was there for you to feel at fault for? What does god have to do with it?
The answer to both questions is, nothing.
I know there are people who will think me nuts, but that is all in your head. Don't get me wrong, your cousin was wrong, he manipulated you and used you. But there is no shame in what you did. Did you feel any pleasure with it? Almost all children masterbate, many stop because they are told, empatically not to, or punished for it. That doesn't actually make the touching and pleasure wrong, it just means they live in a very repressed society. Many young people who are lead into precocious sexual experiences do feel pleasure and enjoy and then feel guilt ridden because it is "wrong". I was talking recently with a friend who is a therapist, who had what she terms an 'affair' with her stepfather from ages 5 to 12. She said it was loving and pleasurable for her but she came to understand that it was wrong for him to have introduced her to this and ended it by telling him she didn't want to do this anymore. We talked about how in many cases the trauma is from fear of family or societal reaction, rather than from the acts that have occured. Having dealt with rape in my early teens I can attest to how damaging that reaction can be.
Think about this.
Who was wrong?
Not you. Your cousin was wrong and he knew it.
Why are you Really hurting?
People do wrong things to us all the time and we deal with it and let it go, The reason this is so dramatically impactful is not the act but the societal restraints and responses.
Sweetie you need help in dealing with this. You need rational, caring help, not judgement and talk of sin to make you feel guilty. Are you still in school? If so get into a counselor. If not, contact you county health services or the rape hot line.
You weren't wrong. You have nothing to blame or hate yourself for.
We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Mudoch, British writer
Hmm, this made me think for a while... First off in the beginning when u said I wasnt able to clearly give consent, I took a little class this year in college that is saying if you are under the age of 12 i believe... you are not liable for giving consent, and if u are intoxicated, you cant give consent either.
I agree that I was more emotionally hurt with the fact that I trusted him, we were really close as friends he came over everyday, and he took advantage of me. Because i was very young, What person at the age of 10 is actually looking for sex? I sortof just went along with it mostly because I believed and trusted him.
I feel guilty because now I know that it is wrong, like her took my virginity at the age of 10. And i keep thinking like he couldnt find anyone his own age to do that with. I remember him telling me that there were girls at his school who asked to have sex with him, and he said No to them(at least thats what he told me)...so why did he want me. I'm thinking its because i was very gullible, absentminded, and he knew that he could put anything into my mind, and make me convice it. Like him telling me "This is the right thing to do, and I'm helping you get ready for the future by doing these things. you dont want your boyfriend or husband to know that your not experienced."(he pressured me)This pertained to sex,and unfortunately my first kiss. I get to have that memory for the rest of my life...
When you say what does God have anything to do with this, he probably has nothing to do with this, i guess me talking about my experience shows how my faith sortof started going on a downward spiral. And he contributed to it...
I'm sure that there was pleasure for me, because I didnt stop... But maybe I was just too uncomfortable to say anything. I have a problem with saying No to people, so its like I have to find another excuse to get out of something. For example I got us to stop by Guilting him...I told him "I dont want to do this anymore knowing that our great grandmother is in heaven watching us." And we never did anything ever again. See I'm a people pleaser, and I dont want to hurt people by letting them down
I tend to blame myself alot for things, and with this, I still feel like its my fault, and his fault at the same time. Even thought I know its not true...
your situation is similar to mine, probably worse but I think you can make it through. I understand that its hard to to talk about, it is for me too...I think cutting yourself won't make it better, you will be left with emotional and physical scares. You can't change that you were hurt emotionally, but don't do it physically too...And please don't commit suicide, you were put on this earth for a reason. I hope you get through this and heal. I know how it feels to get taken advantage of, you feel so dirty, guilty and violate. But please get some help with healing, we all love you...
You went to Church, in a way of trying to understand more, maybe yourself, this hatred, pain, and feeling you did something wrong...
Yet, the Pastor knew...And, he knew what it was, yet you never told...Have you thought about that?
He said "It wasn't your fault"...a wash of relief came over you, "believe him"....
The day you call yourself a VICTIM, he was wrong, he took advantage of a CHILD, is the day you will realise you did NOTHING WRONG....
One day you will face him and openly tell him I WAS A VICTIM, YOU WERE WRONG, I WAS A CHILD.....
When that day comes, you will feel total relief and understanding of what occured....
Cutting....Little may read this and she will be able to provide a world of advice on this and if she doesn't? Do me a favour and send her a PM or VM re this Thread, or just talk to her...
With all pain, at some point there is relief...
Your searching for relief..
Why not start by writing down a letter to him and telling him I WAS A VICTIM YOU WERE WRONG, I WAS A CHILD...it will help you....if you can't face him yet, and you do need councelling to keep talking about it until your ready, then burn that letter and throw it into the Universe, and smile that you know it was NOT your fault and one day, you will confront him...
CW
Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
It doesn't happen over night
if truth were to be told.
Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
you must believe!
Originally Posted by yielded123
They may to you come across as being strict, tough and demanding, and you weren't good enough....But, generations go with how they were taught, what they were trying to do, was to give you as much chance of success in your life as they could...The reason was because my parents put alot of pressure on me to do well in school, sports,
That doesn't mean they don't or didn't love you....Your parents are blood, trust me, they will be okay and be there for you if you told them....
CW
Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
It doesn't happen over night
if truth were to be told.
Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
you must believe!
I would encourage then re-encourage you to take that first GIGANTIC step to seek the help of a professional or at least someone with the ear and heart for listening.
As was mentioned by JNS above.... A counselor at your school, if still in high school or a counselor at college. Perhaps a counselor or therapist in private practice. If you feel you can't afford one, often times, various religious faiths have them available at "Lutheran Social Services" (as an example) where you pay based on your income...no income, no pay. How about the pastor from church camp? If not him, then someone within the church? I am quite sure that there are others who are uniquely qualified to listen to you.
The first step is ALWAYS the most difficult and seems to be the largest one to take but imaigne the relief you will feel in doing so. Just taking that first step (again) since you've already shared your story once...remember how good that felt...to finally share it with somebody after trying to supress it all of those years?
A secondary result of you taking that first BIG step (again) and staying in touch with us here......may help someone else in this forum do the very same thing..."If she can do it, then so can I"...and think of how you might feel knowing that you helped someone else?
Take that first step (again)...you'll feel really good that you did.
There is nothing "wrong"with you.
What's "incorrect" is thinking that there is...
You just need to spend sometime talking about it with someone you're comfortable with to realize that.
I will pray for you.
Posting Permissions
LinkBack URL
About LinkBacks
Reply With Quote
Bookmarks