Thread: Sexual Abuse

Sweetie don't beat yourself up over this. You wanted connection and love and you accepted the only thing that was offered. It sounds like he knew himself and didn't initially intend to do this. The OCD is a common response, it's trying to get some sense of control in your life. I went through some of that after being gang raped as a teen and with awareness, it eventually diminished dramatically.

Read up on the meds. Anxiety meds help at first but over time can worsen the very reasons you are taking them, antidepressants can have some serious side effects, be aware of them.

I've discussed this before but I know a number of therapists through the part of my business that relates to sex education and I've discussed with some of them the issue of sex abuse, pleasure and guilt. What you experienced is not unusual. Many people have a mistaken idea that sex abuse is always a painful experience based on force. It isn't. In many cases the adult seduces the young person and the child or teen accepts the sexual attention and may even find it very pleasurable. The problem comes in with two aspects; the matter of consent and the breach of trust and the other is societal expectations and condemnation.

As a parent sexual interaction is taboo and for good reason. Generally if an adult is around a child in infancy, there is no sexual attraction. This occurs natuarally. Your father wasn't there and didn't really believe or admit that you were his child. You essentially came into his life as a sexually mature woman. That does not in any way justify or excuse what he did. He was in a posisition of trust in your life and he violated that trust and manipulated your very human need for love and closeness. That was very wrong on his part. You let it happen because more than anything you wanted to connect with him and to feel loved. That is so very human. The guilt comes in really, with societal expectations and condemnation. There are people in the world who would indeed place blame on you for this. But it's nonsense on their part.

It's easier said than done but you have to forgive yourself. You are human. A desire to connect, to love and be loved are part of our humaness. Unfortunately there are no tests for parenthood, any fertile people who come together sexually can become parents and often do. Your mother was unable to give you what you needed and so in your need you accepted what your father offered. He took advantage of your vulnerability and of his posistion as a person of trust and guardian. You accepted what seemed to be the only or the best option in your circumstances. Sweetie you not at all alone in this. Many people who were drawn into sexual relationships with adults when they were children or minors, have been through this. They went into it willingly and in many cases experienced great pleasure with it but later when they understood how condemed this is, they develop feelings of guilt and self hatred.

I don't know what to tell you to heal this. Your father was wrong but I don't think you were. In some ways, in its quest to protect our children and youth, society creates more damage than it prevents. There are therapists who are rethinking how to work with victims of this kind of abuse. Its a touchy area and no one wants to seem to be supporting sex with minors or child abuse. But through the range of human experience, in different places and times, the attitudes about what is acceptable have varied widely and we should be able to adopt (outside of religion) an attitude that reduces the trauma of self blame to the victim.

I'll ask around and see if I can learn of any materials that may be of help to you. In the meantime, love yourself. Be good to yourself. Know that you are a good person. With all the coldness you felt from your mother you still sought love, there is no wrong in that. You have a good heart, value it.