My ex army husband is depressed and I don't know what to do...

**Gummiebears** · 03-03-2011 02:15 AM

Hello All...
I first met me husband 4 years ago. After 2, we moved in together then we got married last year. My husband is also a Combat Veteran. His hum v was hit by a projectile IED which made the hum v turn to swiss cheese and killing the other riders from rolling 5 times in the process. My husband survived and was flown to Germany then home.

He has never wanted to talk about anything that happened while he was in the military. He lost friends that were closer then family... I knew from the start of his depression that he needed love and support to get through this. It has gotten far worse in the last year of our relationship however.
We were surprised by the pregnancy and excited but as time passed and I got more pregnant...well...As my mood swings got worse our relationship deteriorated. He became more sad, moody, angry...everything..

He is a very loving kind man and a good husband and a sweet adoring father to our 2 month old boy. Since he was discharged, it has been hard. We are new parents, students, and trying to carve out a niche for our family. After talking we agreed I would stay home with the baby for the first six months while my husband wanted to work towards a good job while he's in school. ...that was the plan...
In the past year he hasnt really been able to find work until now but he can't even go to work now from anxiety and a profound sadness and longing to just stay with me. He is very needy and clingy right now but that's not him. He asked me to help him, that he knows he needs help but he refuses to talk to a therapist or a psychotrist. What do I do? He has no appetite and has lost over 90 pounds since 2009.
I'm struggling with a lil bit of baby blues myself so this is getting hard to know what to do. It seems like I'm constantly worrying anymore, if I look the slightest stressed or upset he says I'm mad at him and he will start to have a panic attack. This has happened 5 times since friday night....I know I'm all over the place right now but I'm just not certain I can do anything anymore

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-03-2011 03:50 AM

What a sweet name

And person..It's evident you love him...

Sweetheart, I hate the war, we are not there as people because we want and what we see, can destroy us for life.

If he's clingy, he's frightened of losing you too, he tried to be the strenght, the man, I will get the job...but it is not that easy to go to Civilian life after all that, yet he found a job.

He's over his head...He's asking you for help but too proud (as the Army teaches) to see what he classes as ego, ...

You can not walk on egg shells and he does not have to fear of talking about what happened he has too or he will not heal.

He should not feel self worth, tell him you are SO PROUD OF HIM, for all he has gone through and the strength and belief he will find work and HE DID...Tell him you are proud he is a DADDY and your HUSBAND and that you LOVE HIM....

And then tell him, so many guys go through this pain, it's paid for, it's expected and you will stand by him, just talk about it, all of it, let it out and get closure, it's time to not look at them as physcologists but people that know the pain and are only there to listen and help and you again would be proud of him for learning the art of communication instead of supressing...

That is a better man....

CW

**LanaBear** · 03-03-2011 10:31 AM

What a heart breaking story...

CW pretty much said it all.

He's clingy out of fear, he lost some very important people in his life, he's afraid now.

All of this coupled with your own postpartum issues, this has got to be beyond hard. I think communication is important. You need to tell him how important it is to YOU that he seeks the help that he needs. People that will understand what he is going through. There is no harm in this. I'm sure he has a lot that he is holding in, stuff that he is not wanting you to hear about. He needs to be able to relieve himself of all of this to someone.

In the meantime, maybe you should also go see your OBGYN about your postpartum depression. It isn't something that should be taken lightly. Many of us just sweep it under the rug, but I think with everything else that is going on, it would be wise to also help yourself too.

**pretzel** · 03-03-2011 10:44 AM

Totally agree with LB concerning your own post partem depression. It's real and it's potentially devasting.

Concerning your husband, I'll have to disagree with CW and LB. I know people who have served in combat and they really don't like to talk about it, at all, to no one.

I would to think that he's been evaluated for PTSD. Even if he had, I think he should be re-evaluated. I'd contact the local VA and see about that.

For as much as you love your husband there are certain aspects of life after combat that needs to be left to professionals. I think this may be one of those times.

**WildChild** · 03-03-2011 10:50 AM

PTSD is a seriously under studied problem.
I can't post links and you haven't got the required 33 posts to enable private messaging but Google PTSD treatment. Take a look at healthy dot net and do a site search on PTSD, there are some good articles there specifically related to military experience.

People react differently to stress and trauma and he has been through some nasty stuff. Obviously he is a loving and caring man who needs help in processing this and moving beyond it. I hope you can help him find the support and care he needs. Take care of yourself too.

**Seeker_Advice** · 03-03-2011 11:10 AM

I have an uncle, I'm almost 50 so he's in his early 80s, who was a bomber pilot in the Korean Conflict then volunteered for and did three tours of duty in Vietnam...all as a "bomber pilot". He remained in the reserves for the equivalent of thirty years. I've been very close to this uncle for over 40 years. When I was a kid I would ask him what he did in the military, he'd reply "I flew planes". As an adult, I've probably asked him 5 or 6 more times specifically what he did in the military, his reply "I flew planes".

As someone who agrees with Pretzel, some things are better left alone by family members or to be discussed with professionals only.

I too feel very strongly, that this is one of those things.