i cant understand my depression

**gmw** · 05-08-2011 09:47 AM

hi. ive never used forums before, but ive reached a point where a strangers advice could prove to be more beneficial than that of who i hold dearest.
im 20, studying at university, in a stable relationship and have stong aspirations for the future.
for the past few years ive been gettin waves of suicidal depression for no apparent reason. ive tried to talk to family member, freinds and my partner but non of there advice has really benifited me in any way. my doctor instantly prescribed me citalopram which i was jubious of taking after reading various reviews of the drug.
i would consider myself to have eating disorders and suffer from body dismorphia, the only time i feel genuinly happy is after the gym knowing that ive burnt hundreds of calories or after a day of eating nothing or very little.
i admittedly occasionally take drugs such as mephadrone, mdma and cocaine, and did alot of experimenting with psychodelic drugs such as LSD and ketamine throughout my teenage years. however i would not consider myself an addict, as i am not dependent on anything.
i keep having these major, unexpected hits of depression, which i am unable to understand because as far as i am concerned i have nothing to be depressed about.
its really becoming a stress on my relationship with my partner. i have little or no sexual drive the majority of the time, and talk of sexual activity often sets off the suicidal depression.
i never feel that anything i do is good enough, in all sense of the word, and have the obsessive need to "keep the peace" in all relationships (family, friends etc) often making situations turn out not as i would like them to, but as i feel the other party would be pleased with.
these issues are really putting a strain on relationships with people i hold dearly.
im aware that there may be replies concerning the issue of drugs, but i rarely touch anything these days as i am more concerned with my studies.
please can anybody offer some serious advice?

**spurzzz** · 05-08-2011 12:51 PM

for the past few years ive been gettin waves of suicidal depression for no apparent reason

i admittedly occasionally take drugs such as mephadrone, mdma and cocaine

but i rarely touch anything these days

Hi GMW, welcome to WH.

Have you told your doctor about your drug taking past? If not, you have to tell him about everything so that he can get you the best help possible and more importantly not prescribe you drugs which otherwise he would not do so..........that could make things worse.

Have you looked into what the drugs you have taken and still "rarely" take can do to your brain? Look back and see the correlation between the drug taking and the stem of your suicidal thoughts. It is all because of the drugs that you have taken.......Just because you have stopped taking them does not mean your mind has fully recovered from the abuse.

Taking drugs rarely still? If you want to get better and help yourself STOP TAKING DRUGS AND GET SOME THERAPY NOW. I say it loud because you need to understand the seriousness of drugs and what it does to you, I have seen first hand how it effects peoples minds BEYOND RECOVERY! Make no mistakes about it, you need help and you need it now.........therapy is what is required, professional therapy......a recovery of the mind and the ability to stay away from the drugs completely

And don't kid yourself your not an addict. First hand addicts can go through "white knuckle" periods of abstinence for as long as they want but always go back to the drugs - however rare it is, if they do not get the proper help that is needed.

You want help or you want to delude yourself you can stay away from drugs and concentrate on your studies? Drugs are the reasons for your mood swings, your suicidal thoughts and your eating disorder..........how do I know? My ex was the same as you..........It will ruin your life in ways you cannot imagine. Fun times now ------ bad bad times later.

Get some help right away and get it now. Stay away from people who are taking the drugs to better yourself.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-08-2011 03:54 PM

Welcome to the Forum gnw

You are fighting with the two of you.

The girl whom was a risk taker, rebelious, the one whom feels though in-secure, not pretty enough, too fat, un-loved and the good girl whom wants to study and become someone, who does like herself, who has someone who loves her plus her family ....

Go back, into your past, why are there two of you, what happened way back that made you rebel, that made you feel un-loved, fat, etc....this mature girl who wants to study and become someone is trying to leave the past and get on with it but she can't until you can put closure on that past...

**gmw** · 05-10-2011 01:36 PM

thank you for your advice

spurzz- yes i did speak to my gp about my habits in the past, of course i did, hence why i was so suprised when he offered me more mind altering substances :/ in my mind this is no better than the "tricking" of my thoughts and feelings with "unprescribed" drugs, its more or less the same thing right?
also, yes. i have done days and weeks of research into chemicals which i exposed myself to, and am fully aware of the consequences...however this does not change what i have done in the past. of course i feel regret towards the life i used to live, however, i had a brilliant time and learnt alot of valuable lessons in life!! and i'm not going to regret the positive experiences i had as well. i mean i'v had good and bad relationships in the past, but i'm not giving up on men!!
i value your first hand experience, and am currently saving up to afford a therapist, but in the mean time i am keeping myself busy with my studies, eating healthily and going to the gym every day.
and no im not kidding myself about being an addict. an addict is someone who relies on something, whether it be coffee, cigarettes, alcohol, sex?? to get them through the day. personally its not the first thing one my mind when i wake up, nor the last when i go to sleep. i dont feel that it nescesary to take anything, i merely enjoy it in small amounts, just as others enjoy a sociable drink. im not a drinker myself. yes i fully admit that it doesnt help my well being, dont get me wrong here.... but a small dabble once every few months, is probably better than going out binge drinking every other night, and not remebering my actions. thank you for your advice.

chandlers wish- thank you, this was really pleasing to read, and put a smile on my face

ive never taken that approach before, and it seems like an honest and realistic approach for the time i am spending saving up for a counseller. however i cant remeber a time when i have ever been truly happy or honest with myself i guess...as for the route of my problems...? i guess my mother has played a large part in my self loathing. at 6 1/2 stone ive always felt i've had to mimic her appearence, she works so hard on keeping her weight down, and maintaining a healthy lifestyle...
thank you x

**Seeker_Advice** · 05-11-2011 12:46 PM

Perhaps you could do a search on depression as lots has been written about it before....

**nicolelord2** · 05-29-2011 10:11 PM

First thing and important thing is stop taking drugs...Tell your doctor about drug habit..he/she can help you ..

**Shell86** · 06-25-2011 06:01 PM

Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain hence why you feel you are happy with life and have nothing to be depressed about. The chemical in balance is what brings on these urges of suicide and all the other horrible feels relating to body imagine and drug use.

Honestly I think your first step would be to seek help ASAP. Professional, medical help. I would say go and check yourself into a hospital, they will be able to give you the support you need to recover. Also tell them about the drug use because it will be playing a huge factor on your depression and stop the use of drugs because they won't be helping you at all.