I've noticed something about myself...

**MarkT** · 05-26-2011 08:10 PM

I just read a post about emotional eating. It kind of hit home. As all know, my wife and I have been having a rough time. I have felt the uncertainty of my marriage and been stressed out by it. I find myself eating more than I ever have before. I eat a LOT! By a lot, I mean I can eat 2 full plates of spaghetti and half a loaf of garlic bread by myself. I can eat an entire Large pizza from Papa John's. With everything up in the air, it not only stresses me out, but I worry about where I'm going to go and my uncertain future. Starting tomorrow, I'm going back to eating normal portions. I'm at the heaviest I have ever been, 260 lbs at 6' 4". When I met my wife, I was 195 - 200 and felt great. I had energy and stamina to last all day. Now, all I really feel like doing is sitting in front of this thing and typing all day. I have hobbies, but nothing really physically challenging other than hunting. The sex thing has been nonexistant and that doesn't help matters either. I feel like I turn my own wife off, how could anyone want this. Then I eat and I just don't care until I'm so full I'm in pain. I know I'm a bit depressed over everything, but not bottomed out over it all. How could someone in my position not be depressed, I'm disabled, wife wants a divorce half of the time and I can't work to support my family. I grew up when the men made the money and supported their family and those who didn't were labeled deadbeats.
Ok, now - Kick my tail...

**Crystalblue** · 05-27-2011 06:11 AM

I've done the opposite & seem to have lost my appetite. I make myself eat something if & when I notice I'm hungry, but I used to love the occasional snack or junk food & they just don't appeal to me anymore. If I enjoyed a meal, I would go back for seconds. Now, I just dish out what looks like the right portions and I'm good with that. I'm actually eating a lot healthier now than I was, but I don't like the way it came about through depression.

**BabyGirl** · 05-27-2011 07:55 PM

I'm not sure that your Eating is a Mental illness. Though it can be from Depression, so very well can be tied into the " Mental ".

Depression can be treated , eating disorders can be a result of depression. You really should see a Counselor for your issues. You say you are Disabled with IBS and other Disabilities, so you should have medical that will cover treatment for depression as well as the others.

In your Quote

I'm at the heaviest I have ever been, 260 lbs at 6' 4". When I met my wife, I was 195 - 200 and felt great. I had energy and stamina to last all day. Now, all I really feel like doing is sitting in front of this thing and typing all day.

Is it possible that your wife may not want to be or feel sexually attractive to you, because you have gained 60 lbs ?

Is it possible that with your IBS , that she may think that during a Sexual Romp, that you just may have to go in the middle ?

Hun, throughout your texts and posts, you speak the words of a lover, a " Prince Charming " if you may, Her best friend, any woman's best friend. A man that many women would dream of, to have their man think, talk like you do.

And Then...
It turns to SEX, How you are Doing without, how much you want it, how you feel ( sometimes) that you just need to find a " lady of the Evening", How you want to show her, teach her, that Sex can be good again.

And I go * SIGH * , Here is a man who Loves, is Devoted, wants to share with his wife, won't give up on the LOVE part, but seems to have to have sex or the love isn't there ( her part ).

I wrote once before on Christopher Reeves and his wife Dana. That was LOVE , That was MARRIAGE. And it is something that you didn't seem to like to hear that it is possible, to stay married and love a person without having sex .

I may be chastised or wrong about what I will say now.
So Be it..

Mark.
Would your wife still love you if you weighed 360 or 135 lbs.
Would she love you if you were in a wheelchair or an amputee , had cancer or was dying. If you had ED would she still love you ?

Mark.
Would you love her if her weight was 100 lbs either way of her Normal " BMI " ?
Would you love her if she had cancer, was sick and dying , breast removal, handicapped ?

Seriously, you seem a very sweet, mostly devoted man. But most of the times I read your Sweet words, your " Understanding Nature " I am hoping and wishing that other ladies will find someone as sensitive to " Women " as you are.

And then it gets back to Sex. Physical Sex. Not talking the emotional Sex , But you are a Man, You have a Hand. It may not be enough all the time, but you have to make a choice on what is more important.

The Choice has to be made by You For You. And if you need a Woman that makes Sex with you and makes you happy in your Heart, it is time to get out Now, Your beautiful son will still love his Mother and His Father, in the long run. He will love you Both more if you both are Happy.

And he will hopefully Love the next Mate you or your wife chose to have in his life.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-30-2011 06:01 PM

Kind of liking BD's post there Mark, very deep, very true...

Feeling sorry for yourself, what you are not achieving, recieving, talking sex as if it's the only thing in life, are all negative thoughts.

Isn't it time you quit feeling negative and do something about it?

CW

**BabyGirl** · 05-31-2011 07:37 AM

It's time you do some soul searching Mark.

It seems you've tried just about everything, things most men wouldn't even try, most would just walk away and find a Sexual Partner, or even have one on the side.

Now you must decide the love you have for her, is it the all encompassing love, that even without sex, you can share your rest of your life with her? If she told you she just could not have sex with you anymore, would you leave, would the love end ?

My Gram and Gramps were married for over 50 years, they stayed married till my Gram passed away, Gram had issues that did not have her desire to have sex. Their affections were a hug once in awhile and a quick Kiss goodbye, when Gramps or Gram left for town.

Gramps,I'm sure, looking back, and being a man, was frustrated at first with the No Sex in the marriage. But he Loved her as a Person, he loved her Soul. He never cheated, always protected and supported ( emotionally as well as financially ) her.

After Gram Passed, I brought up the lack of " Romance /Affection and Sex " with Gramps, But only once did we talk about it.

He Simply said " I loved her not just her woman parts " " I honored my word of Till Death Do Us Part ".

So Mark, it seems you are at that crossroad, the one you must decide for yourself if your Love for your wife is the kind you can live with. If you feel you cannot Love her without sex, then maybe you should walk away and find someone you can Feel you can Love "Till Death Do You Part ".

Right now it seems the Sex Part has Died, is their enough of her left that you can Still claim Love enough to stay ? Or when the sex goes does all of the Love go ?
You might seek some counseling to find out why you might be willing to give up the marriage based on the lack of Sex. It may well be that there are deeper things hidden in the relationship. That just cannot be " Fixed".

Your frustration and depression over not knowing the answer, is not good for you or her in the long run. * Or your son for that matter *
Give Counseling a try, it can't hurt. Good Luck.

**MarkT** · 05-31-2011 09:08 AM

My wife and I have worked things out between ourselves. We have made love twice and neither one of us had an orgasm, which is okay for her and myself. It's the closeness I missed so much, I have learned. It's not the sex I miss, it's the cuddling and holding each other that I need do much. It has taken several weeks for my to realize this. Yes, I would stay with her if we never had physical sex again. I have a very strong love in my heart for her as a person and her soul. We layed down together, she had her head on my shoulder and her leg over me and it was at that very moment that sex was the last thing on my mind. I just wanted to be close to her, I wanted her to smile when we were cuddling. I looked down at her face and she had that glazed over eyes and a small smile on her face. I knew that she was happy in my arms and was comfortable being in this position with me. I have been elated ever since and we do this every night now. Just imagine how happy I am with this progress. I want her to be happy, that is all I have really wanted. She and my son are all I want and need in my life. The comments about the ladies of the evening - it was just frustration coming out and I felt it at the time, but it wasn't my true feelings. Just trying to get rid of built up frustration.
Does any of this make sense? I know it's hard to believe and it's hard for me to explain, but I have learned something about myself that I never knew before. Marriage without sex is okay, but without love- it just can't exist.
We made love so slowly and it was like nothing I have ever felt. I didn't go very deep at all and I let things progess naturally and my God it was better than anything else I have ever experienced.
I guess you could say that I was a jerk and still not wanting to listen to anyone, because I knew I was wrong and I let my pride get in the way of a happy life. I understand this now and my wife is So much more happy and the kissing has been a steady thing now.
Sorry about the long post, but I had to share this because if one man reads this who has the same ideas as I do and it helps them in their marriage it will be worth posting it.
The money I am soon to get... will be in an account with all 3 of our names on it and going to get my wife a debit card too so she has access to it too. It's the only right thing to do as I am an open book to her and have no plans to hide anything from her. I have never strayed on anyone, I'm 46 and it's a little late to start that poo, isn't it? I don't need that on my conscience as it's clear now and very few men can say that today, it's all about my honor to my wife.
I'd like to get at least a WOOHOO!!!! about this great news. I truly love my wife and now see that sex is nothing compared to the love I feel for her.

**MarkT** · 05-31-2011 09:16 AM

I'd love that woman no matter what she weighed, I'm not in love with her body,(although it sure does put me on a natural high), I'm in love with her soul.
Past few days have been a real eye opener and has been the sweetest time in my life. We look forward to coffee on the deck together every morning now. That used to be something we enjoyed together and it's coming back now.
It's like Merle Haggard's song, "You Put Me On A Natural High".

**MarkT** · 06-01-2011 07:33 AM

It's an ongoing thing so far. Every night we cuddle, now this is what I wanted So much, for So long. This cuddling is fantastic, I didn't realize that's what I missed so much until we started doing it more often. Funny how things are never as they appear, eh? I just want her to be happy and so far she's been smiling a Lot more lately. I really like to see her happy!
A little celebration here at home tonight, making ribeye's on the grill, baked potatoes and a nice salad on the side. Just one of those "whenever" moments that I sometimes get into. Might go get her a single rose in a vase and hand deliver it to her office today. That sure would shock her-

**MarkT** · 06-01-2011 07:41 AM

The whenever moment is spurred on by us being completely out of debt as of tomorrow. Her Ford Explorer will be paid off and that's the last thing that we owed money on. She is going to be thrilled that her paycheck is finally free of debt. I know this sounds hookie, but it's these kinds of things that we celebrate and enjoy.
Believe it or not, both of us are very simple people. We don't need flash or glitter to make our lives so great. It's the little things that are so important to us. Big shiny stuff just doesn't appeal to us. It's the smallest of things that mean the most.