Thread: SEVERE depression, grief, stress, kids, family, etc...

I'll try to make this as brief as possible. I am going through alot lately, well I have been for quite a long time, but recently when I've thought before I had hit rock bottom, it wasn't until now that I reconsidered that. This, I believe is ultimately my ROCK BOTTOM. Currently striving and fighting to desperatly find my way back up little by little. Some days I feel I have very little control and others, complete hopelessness. I first realized I had been suffering from depression somewhere around 15 or 16 years old, tried to ask for help from my fam. w/ no success, so through time I was finally able to begin getting help on my own. Well, that was up and down, trying this and that and so on. I somehow managed for some time and ended up surrounding myself w/ friends and partying and alchohol and of course many people experimenting w/ several types of drugs, which I was always 100% against. Although partying was great, alchohol became a problem, so I slowed down. I eventually ended up in a relationship, of course w/ alot of problems, then became pregnant w/ my first child. Some problems got better, but ended up w/ new ones. 14 months later I had a second child. We were very happy w/ each other and our children, but were financially hurting, and pretty much b/c of our bad habit w/ pills, something I said I would never do, but after both kids, pain and nonstop work got worse, although my problem was bad and got worse, his became out of control. I kept trying to figure out how to get help, but after hurricane Katrina the resources that were there before, for people who can't afford help, were gone. We were barely making it, living at home w/ my family, he wouldn't work anymore, and I was struggling to keep my job, and take care of my 2 kids. well, my fam. wanted him 2 leave, so he did. I mean, I can't blame em, he wasn't working or helping, except to make the doctor so he, and I, could keep going the only way we knew how. I lost my job, not feeling well all the time, and began desperately looking for some kind of help. He was staying w/ fam. and I went there w/ the kids for almost 2 months b/c of the extra stress w/ my dad. My dad asked me 2 come home to see the kids. The next morning became the begining of the worst nightmare of my life, the call from his fam. he died. that was past Oct., 8 months now. In a way you think these things could happen and maybe say it to that person to, but don't really think you will wake up the next morning and he's gone. You want to hold on to hope that help will come. I didn't really feel to bad for people w/ drug problems and such, I figured, well they shouldn't do it, or should stop, that's a stupid thing to do. Until I lived it! Now I DO understand. I am bipolar, so depression went from really bad to way worse. Then, I had noone to talk to, my fam. didn't want to hear of it and my kids started realizing, where's my daddy? they are 2 and 3. My 3 year old has been completely out of control since it happened. My baby girl who brought so much joy in my life, is making me nuts. I have tried everything I can think of and she does not care to listen, at all. I feel like all I ever say is no, don't touch, don't hit, please listen etc......... she is very emotional about it still, now some of this behavior is wearing off on my 2 year old, who's always been an angel. My dad always yells at me and complains about me having no control over them, but I say what else can I do. I don't know how to get help. I finally found help for the other problem and been clean for 2 months now, and very happy about that, but everything else is just horrible. My kids are completely out of control, my family just down talks me and criticises me everyday, I can't stop thinking of him and wishing I had found help sooner, crying myself to sleep pretty much every night about all this, w/ crazy thoughts in my head about him, like how it happened and where he is now. At first I walked around all day talking to him like he was still here, b/c he was the only one to talk to, even when my daughter is crying saying I want my daddy back and many other extremely heartbreaking things. I do my best to stay together around them and everyone else, but now thats becoming nearly impossible. I just cry out for someone to trust and talk to, but don't know who or where and somehow a miracle to come to me on how to control my kids. I feel stuck and lost, so many other things. Scared of death, but wish sometimes to not wake up to, b/c I don't want to feel anymore or hurt or face whatever kind of crazy, uncontrollable day I'm going to have, and I have insomnia. I also check my kids at night and worry about things that havn't happened. I feel bad at night when she goes to bed for time outs and raising my voice b/c of her behavoir, then cry myself to sleep 4 that to, if I get to sleep. I can't handle all this anymore, I wish I could fix it all, but who doesn't. I don't know how to get help, I have noone to talk to, that's probably why this is so long, sorry for that if anyone reads this,and it's getting worse by the day, it seems like. That's how I found this, searching for help, even online. If anyone actually reads all this and has any advice, thank you.