I'll try to make this as brief as possible. I am going through alot lately, well I have been for quite a long time, but recently when I've thought before I had hit rock bottom, it wasn't until now that I reconsidered that. This, I believe is ultimately my ROCK BOTTOM. Currently striving and fighting to desperatly find my way back up little by little. Some days I feel I have very little control and others, complete hopelessness. I first realized I had been suffering from depression somewhere around 15 or 16 years old, tried to ask for help from my fam. w/ no success, so through time I was finally able to begin getting help on my own. Well, that was up and down, trying this and that and so on. I somehow managed for some time and ended up surrounding myself w/ friends and partying and alchohol and of course many people experimenting w/ several types of drugs, which I was always 100% against. Although partying was great, alchohol became a problem, so I slowed down. I eventually ended up in a relationship, of course w/ alot of problems, then became pregnant w/ my first child. Some problems got better, but ended up w/ new ones. 14 months later I had a second child. We were very happy w/ each other and our children, but were financially hurting, and pretty much b/c of our bad habit w/ pills, something I said I would never do, but after both kids, pain and nonstop work got worse, although my problem was bad and got worse, his became out of control. I kept trying to figure out how to get help, but after hurricane Katrina the resources that were there before, for people who can't afford help, were gone. We were barely making it, living at home w/ my family, he wouldn't work anymore, and I was struggling to keep my job, and take care of my 2 kids. well, my fam. wanted him 2 leave, so he did. I mean, I can't blame em, he wasn't working or helping, except to make the doctor so he, and I, could keep going the only way we knew how. I lost my job, not feeling well all the time, and began desperately looking for some kind of help. He was staying w/ fam. and I went there w/ the kids for almost 2 months b/c of the extra stress w/ my dad. My dad asked me 2 come home to see the kids. The next morning became the begining of the worst nightmare of my life, the call from his fam. he died. that was past Oct., 8 months now. In a way you think these things could happen and maybe say it to that person to, but don't really think you will wake up the next morning and he's gone. You want to hold on to hope that help will come. I didn't really feel to bad for people w/ drug problems and such, I figured, well they shouldn't do it, or should stop, that's a stupid thing to do. Until I lived it! Now I DO understand. I am bipolar, so depression went from really bad to way worse. Then, I had noone to talk to, my fam. didn't want to hear of it and my kids started realizing, where's my daddy? they are 2 and 3. My 3 year old has been completely out of control since it happened. My baby girl who brought so much joy in my life, is making me nuts. I have tried everything I can think of and she does not care to listen, at all. I feel like all I ever say is no, don't touch, don't hit, please listen etc......... she is very emotional about it still, now some of this behavior is wearing off on my 2 year old, who's always been an angel. My dad always yells at me and complains about me having no control over them, but I say what else can I do. I don't know how to get help. I finally found help for the other problem and been clean for 2 months now, and very happy about that, but everything else is just horrible. My kids are completely out of control, my family just down talks me and criticises me everyday, I can't stop thinking of him and wishing I had found help sooner, crying myself to sleep pretty much every night about all this, w/ crazy thoughts in my head about him, like how it happened and where he is now. At first I walked around all day talking to him like he was still here, b/c he was the only one to talk to, even when my daughter is crying saying I want my daddy back and many other extremely heartbreaking things. I do my best to stay together around them and everyone else, but now thats becoming nearly impossible. I just cry out for someone to trust and talk to, but don't know who or where and somehow a miracle to come to me on how to control my kids. I feel stuck and lost, so many other things. Scared of death, but wish sometimes to not wake up to, b/c I don't want to feel anymore or hurt or face whatever kind of crazy, uncontrollable day I'm going to have, and I have insomnia. I also check my kids at night and worry about things that havn't happened. I feel bad at night when she goes to bed for time outs and raising my voice b/c of her behavoir, then cry myself to sleep 4 that to, if I get to sleep. I can't handle all this anymore, I wish I could fix it all, but who doesn't. I don't know how to get help, I have noone to talk to, that's probably why this is so long, sorry for that if anyone reads this,and it's getting worse by the day, it seems like. That's how I found this, searching for help, even online. If anyone actually reads all this and has any advice, thank you.

Hi.. I've read your post. I'm extremely sorry for your loss and all the tragedies that have fallen upon you in the past few years. All I can say is that you are one STRONG woman. From what I've read you are trying to do your best in healing yourself and raising your babies. Something you should try to keep in mind is that it can take a lot of time to recover from problems that we find in life. Right now you may still be in that period of deep grief and sorrow, and you may not be able to see the light. But you have to remember that life is not always going to be this way.

Your kids deserve the best so you need to make sure that you are healthy to take care of them. If you are feeling down and depressed this will rub off on your children and your family in negative ways. Also, your children are VERY YOUNG and can't understand what has happened to their dad, because of this they may be really frustrated (resulting in bad behaviour) so this may make the situation even more difficult. I definitely think you should go to the doctor if you are bi-polar and depressed or are still strugling with addictions. I think that this is a big priority and the first step in making a positive turn. If you start feeling better it can only have a positive effect on everyone else.

I'm not a doctor or anything, but i just wanted you to know that someone out there does care. I hope that things start going better for you. When you are feeling down just remember how strong you are, you will be able to make it through anything if you put your mind to it. Best wishes..
Sam

You have really been through something!

Your post sounds like a lot of people's lifetime. However,you're young and resilient; so are your babies, and you will all bounce back. I grant you that.

I agree with Sam: you need to continue seeing your doctor for that bipolar disorder, as well as see a therapist for your depression and staying clean.

You are now the only parent your children have, and you may have to try to explain to them that daddy's in heaven and they won't see him everyday like they're used to seeing him.
You children are depending on you.

It is sooo true that your kids can/will pick up on your depression and negative feelings; moreover, they also pick up on the environment; what with your dad constantly yelling at you about how you don't have control over your children. He's not used to small children being around the house, so he can't take the crying.

As you stay under a doctor's care, perhaps they have a hospital social worker that can help you with some job placement, housing assistance, or refer you to some resource center that can help you get a job and a place of your own so that you can raise your children in peace.

When you've moved out and wind up having to move back home with family, it can be very ... challenging, to say the least.
They'll fuss about the kids and tell you you're not raising them this way or that way; they'll tell you how to live your life and what you're supposed to do --all because you're living under their roof with their rules.
In short, they'll meddle in your life because you live there.

Stay under a doctor's care and keep seeing a therapist. Don't give up hope; stay sober. Something will work out for you.

Hello, I just read your post, and my heart goes out to you and your children. I know it must be difficult finding any help with Katrina taking up many of the resources, but there could be resources in your city you are unaware of. Office of Mental Health This is the website from your state's Office of Women's health. They might be able to offer you some help and support. Women commonly experience depression around life events such as yours, and there is no reason why you should have to go through this alone. I know you are suffering depression, and are trying to recover from drug and alcohol addiction, so are you attending AA or NA? many times you can find support groups within those organizations -- you need to deal with the grief of losing the father of your children. Also, within the list of available mental health services, you might find a group that educates family members about mental illness and substance abuse and how to be adequately supportive during times of severe mental and emotional stress.

I wish you the best in your days and months to come. I work in an office of family health, and if there are any resources I can find for you, please let me know.

Best~ F

well if this is rock bottom u can only go up from here right?! I am so sorry for all ur troubles, please get help...

Please let us know how you're doing?? I hope things are going a bit better... Best wishes
Sam

I am so sorry for all your struggles. I do have one more suggestion for you....church and lots of prayers. I know if you find a good church family there is a lot of power in that.
I think that is the best thing for someone that is going through horrible times like you.