Fear of Cancer is Draining me...

**nikol373** · 08-29-2011 01:56 PM

So I've posted on this forum before about of range of things, but I don't think I ever really addressed what is bothering me more than anything. I'm 22 years old, never had any cancer scares or anything thus far in my life. However, I lost my mother to cancer when I was 14 years old. It was stage 5 melanoma; she let it go for far too long due to her fear of finding out what it was, and the following 15 months were spent with many attempts at "miracle" experimental drugs, and comfort measures. Most of her care was done in-home with a hospice nurse, and coming home from school everyday and seeing her in that state is just something I will never be able to get out of my head.
The pain went away over time but I am left with this constant fear that every ailment I experience is cancer, and that it's terminal, and I'm going to die. I find myself literally crying in my room curled up in a ball thinking that I don't have much time left on earth. All the while, I am wasting my life, which is so precious to me.
I'm trying to get over my problems, but I constantly keep doing the same thing. I can't imagine sitting in a doctor's office and being told those dreaded words "you have cancer". I feel like I would just throw in the towel right then, and not even fight. I'm sure this feeling changes when you're in that position, but I feel that because of my mom, I can't see myself living to a ripe old age, and dying of "natural causes".
Being in college isn't easy. I know not a lot of people experience this kind of fear, and it honestly kills me inside to know that I have to struggle with this constantly. I have become very in-tune with my health and know when something is even the least bit off. Some would say this is a good thing....I'm not sure.
My worst enemy is google at a time when I'm going through an episode. I don't know how to stop searching things, and making myself more upset and worked up. It gets to the point where I can't get out of bed because I've worried all of the energy out of me. My boyfriend tries so hard to understand but he never will and sometimes he gets frustrated. He just wants to see me happy, maybe even more than I want to see myself happy.

My Dr. just started me on Wellbutrin, two days ago, and I'm thinking the initial side effects of being on a new pill are making me a little more jittery and worked up than normal. I'm hoping I can adjust to that medication, as I've heard nothing but wonderful things about it.
I just needed to vent, and need to know if anyone has ever successfully coped with something like this. I want so bad to feel better and live my life without constantly worrying when it's going to be over.

**nikol373** · 08-29-2011 01:58 PM

I also think I posted this in the wrong section. I apologize - I can't figure out how to move it to mental health.

**Mes T** · 08-30-2011 02:56 AM

Hi there, I can move this thread if you wish but I think it's in a good section at the moment.

First off, I am truly sorry about what you went through as such a young girl, losing your mom in that way. Big virtual hugs from me to you darling. xxxxx

I think the first thing you need to do is stop googling things. I know this can sometimes be like an addiction, but honestly, if I had a cold one day and googled my symptoms I would eventually be led to believe I was dying. Google cannot provide you with any information in your case, it can only torment you, and it will continue to do so unless you put your foot down and make a stand.

The "good" thing about skin cancer is that in most cases, it can be beaten with early detection. I'm not exactly sure, but doesn't melanoma have THE highest survival rate? And you can come as close to guaranteeing prevention as possible with cancer - wear lots of sun screen if you go out in the sun. Check your moles regularly. Job done. Yes I know that being cautious doesn't 100% mean you won't get skin cancer, but jeez it certainly does improve your odds to the point where most people don't ever worry about this.

I think you definitely have a mental issue with this, and while you have a legitimate reason for feeling this way, that doesn't mean that you have to feel like this for the rest of your life. I think you could benefit greatly from some counseling. When I was a student at university, we had some discount rates going for these type of things... I went once myself for an unrelated issue and felt a lot better about everything after one session. You might even find a support group - I'm sure there are others who have similar fears as you.

Anyway, I hope you find the inspiration to claim your life back sweetheart. You are young and lovely, and your future is waiting for you.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 08-30-2011 07:18 AM

What does cancer do in the event it's terminal? It takes away life.

What are you doing by fixating on the possibility of getting cancer? Taking away your life.

Either way, you're ensuring that you do not live. So what is it that you are truly scared of? Is it that you're scared of dying, or truly scared of living? I ask, because it seems you are looking for reasons NOT to live.

My dad died of a heart attack at age 55. I decided that loving was too hard but it made losing even harder. Though I didn't fixate on ways in which I may day, I did live as a shell for a few years. It was easier. But one day it hit me that I was wasting my life. It hit me that at any point, anyone else in my life that I love could die, and that I would have wasted all this time not living, not enjoying my life, not loving. Since that realization, and the DECISION that I was going to live my life to the fullest, life has been great. I still have my moments of anxiety, but they do not overshadow my desire to live this life to the fullest.

You can come to that realization too. Writing your thoughts/fears is a good start. Then finding ways to creatively channel them that do NOT include googling random symptoms.

What are some things you enjoy doing? Do you like to craft? Do you paint? Write? Garden? Run?

**nikol373** · 08-30-2011 10:39 AM

Thanks for the replies! I don't know what my biggest fear is. I hate being sad, and all I can associate with the word "cancer" is SAD. I think of the people I do love losing me and how sad it would be. I remember seeing my dad after my mom's passing...everything about it was just sad. Sometimes I think I just have a fear of sadness, if that makes any sense.
I know I let it eat away at me, and I'm trying to find things that I love doing. I think running would be a good start, but I have some issues with being self-concious that hinder my motivation to go out and do it. The anxiety does take a physical toll on me. I am currently stiffer than ever in my stomach from clenching my muscles when I'm nervous, and I grind my teeth every night. I wake up nauseous because I worry in my sleep.
My boyfriend always says that I'm so fixated on not living that I end up not living. I really want this new medication to work, and I really want to just feel better and be rational. My family members always instilled an intense fear in me and my sister that if we (in the case of melanoma) go out in the sun for even 5 minutes without being slathered in sunscreen, we will probably meet the same fate as my mother. I think my fears are deep-rooted. I know they are, rather. I think what I need more than anything is a good councilor.
Talking to people really helps me, even if I don't know you and we just communicate on the internet. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond and help me out.

**nikol373** · 08-30-2011 01:47 PM

I posted a thread yesterday about how i was always worrying about having cancer. This is the reason for my latest bought of worrying. 1.5 months ago, at the start of my period, I had severe shooting pain in my pelvic area while driving to vacation. Moving in any which way was painful. Eventually the pain ceased. I didn't think it was anything out of the ordinary - I have been getting the same pains since I started my period, just never to the degree that I had it that day.
During that period, I bloated my normal period bloat, 3-5 lbs. I had major anxiety the week of my period, and I felt a good amount of stomach pain and nausea. The weird thing was, the period ended, but the bloating never went away. It ceased after ovulation, but came right back for my next period, and is still here currently. Of course, I assume the worst in thinking this is definitely ovarian cancer, and have worked myself into a giant ball of nerves. My stomach muscles are all strained and as soon as I eat anything, I feel the gurgling and my belly puffs out. It's so weird.
I don't have anything wrong with my cycle - perfectly normal periods, although passing clots, but that's something I've always done. I don't really have pelvic pain - I have more pain in my kidney area than anything (under my ribcage) which makes me worry about a kidney infection that has just gone on for too long. I had problems with bloody urine in the past that was considered a benign condition, and anytime something like that creeps up, I worry.
I had semi-frequent urination, but that happens to me whenever I have caffeine or drink a lot of water, along with the major points in my cycle. I've questioned a hormone imbalance, but my doctor told me I am too young to have such a condition. I'm 21 years old. She also told me I was still too young to have my first Pap.
I made an appointment to go to the gyno. tomorrow and get things checked out. I want to get a pregnancy test, UTI test, and see about an ultrasound, if only to ease my mind. No one in my family has had ovarian / breast cancer, and none of us are of Ashkinazi jewish decent. The only gynocological problem that my mother ever had was a molar pregnancy, and possibly a questionable pap or two. I did, however, lose my mother to melanoma a few years back, so I'm very nervous about cancer.
Lastly, I was on Jolessa (a generic Seasonale) a few months back, and ever since I stopped it, I have felt a change in my cycle. Not sure if this could have anything to do with it.

Any inputs on what I can expect tomorrow? I'm really scared. My boyfriend is working and can't come with me, so I'm going to have to face it alone. I don't really have anyone else to talk to about my woman problems, so if anyone can help me out, it would be greatly appreciated.

**ItsASecret** · 08-30-2011 04:30 PM

The problem with hypochondriasis is a person believes every bump, bruise, burp, scrape, scar, scab, sore, nub, lump, dot, speckle, freckle, stomach gurgle, arm pain, chest pain, leg pain, regular menstrual pain, headache or sneeze is something that will ultimately lead to an extremely rare condition diagnosis or death by cancer. All of which is not by itself an indicator of cancer or death. Things are easily explainable if a person really sits down and looks at it. I will list some examples to show you that you know things are not as bad as they sound.

During that period, I bloated my normal period bloat, 3-5 lbs. I had major anxiety the week of my period, and I felt a good amount of stomach pain and nausea. The weird thing was, the period ended, but the bloating never went away. It ceased after ovulation, but came right back for my next period, and is still here currently.

No two periods are exactly the same. Pain happens to all women at some point, some more ache-like pains and some more sharp, some get bloating some get none...all can be explained by a typical menstrual cycle. Bloating can also occur from certain foods you eat, and during a period does not automatically go away it can take a couple days to subside after your period has finished. The fact that the same pattern of bloating and pain comes with your particular periods can be assumed to be a normal pattern that your body has. The same thing happening over and over almost to the point of clockwork is not necessarily a thing to get worried about, especially ovarian cancer. The almost clockwork pattern of symptoms can actually be a good thing because you know what to expect.

I feel the gurgling and my belly puffs out

During normal everyday regular digestion every single person will experience a slight bit of bloating simply due to the gases being produced by microorganisms in your gut. The foods you eat contribute to the amount of gases and some people simply show very little sign of bloating in the first place. It can be a totally random occurrence since your body accommodates so well.

I have more pain in my kidney area than anything (under my ribcage) which makes me worry about a kidney infection that has just gone on for too long.

A pain in that area is not likely to be a kidney infection, it can be more suited to general achy yucky feelings you get when you have your period. A kidney infection is more along the lines of not being able to stand up or pee without screaming, or being on the ground in a fetal position due to sheer pain. Basically not your predictable period pain, it is more obvious and very blatant when it comes to the pain. The common UTI however can explain some general discomforting feelings and a UTI is very treatable.

I had semi-frequent urination, but that happens to me whenever I have caffeine or drink a lot of water, along with the major points in my cycle.

Caffeine works as a diuretic, it makes you lose water and hence the frequent urination. Water simply passes through you quickly so you will always go pee more often when you drink a lot.

I know it is difficult not to think the worst when something pops up, you have been exposed to situations in your life that some of us will never experience but you have to try and remember that there is almost always a simpler explanation to things rather than always being cancer.

**nikol373** · 08-31-2011 06:53 AM

Thanks for replying!
I got fed up last night and went to the ER. We were there for 7 hours. It was miserable. I had urine samples done, blood tests done, and then got called in for my visit with the doctor. I was very dehydrated (they told me I couldn't drink anything after giving blood because I presented with abdo. pain!) but other than that urine and blood came back all normal. We discussed my anxiety, and how it feels like all the muscles in my stomach have been clenched and painful. He prodded around and asked if it felt like it was the abdo. wall or interior pain....def. the wall. He picked up on my anxiety very quickly (tachycardia, shaking...I'm awful!) and gave me percocets for pain and ativan, as needed, while getting through these first few days/ weeks of adjusting to Wellbutrin. Finally got in the car to go home, loopy as h*ll, but sleepy, and without my stomach muscles clenched up. The feeling was great. I was calm. I get sad because sometimes I don't think I know what calm is. Even when I'm at rest my brain is on the go go go! But the ativan helped, and I'm hoping the Wellbutrin will, too, once I adjust.
I was referred to my gyno for an appt this morning (which I had already set up ahead of time.) to see if she would do an ultrasound, for the mere purpose of easing my mind. I may also see if she will finally do my pap smear, after having it put off for years. I'm still a little nervous she will find a cyst or something, but from what I've heard...cysts aren't the end of the world.

Is ativan like xanax, one of those drugs they probably won't let me keep taking because they think I'll be addicted / sell it around my college campus? The way I felt last night was something I've been hoping for for a long time.

Thank you everyone for helping me cope.

**ItsASecret** · 08-31-2011 08:49 AM

Is ativan like xanax, one of those drugs they probably won't let me keep taking because they think I'll be addicted / sell it around my college campus? The way I felt last night was something I've been hoping for for a long time.

Ativan and Xanax are both benzos (benzodiazepines). They both work to alleviate anxiety symptoms but Xanax is a more rounded drug and helps with anxiety, depression, and panic disorders. Ativan is more of a anxiety medication and less harsh than Xanax. Yes both can be habit forming if a person starts taking multiple pills a day but taking the prescription dose as your doctor prescribes will not suddenly cause dependency issues. Doctors like to monitor how a patient is doing when prescribed a certain dose and can increase or decrease dosages depending on how the patient is reacting to them. Countless millions of people are on Ativan and Xanax and have absolutely no issue with dependency or habit formation, there are always the sublet of people who will start popping 6,7,8+ pills a day which would be several times the prescription dose. Behavior like that is the problem, taking the medication as directed is not an issue.

**nikol373** · 08-31-2011 06:00 PM

Thank you for the clarification. The ativan works wonders for me.
Today I went to my gyno and she did a pelvic exam. She said she felt no signs of masses or tumors or anything. To ease my mind she booked a complete ultra sound for Friday. I''m really nervous, of course, but trying to think rationally. Easier said than done.

The gyno said my main problem is my anxiety. She even gave me a list of councilors she suggests I go to. No one should live with this fear.

I had a few other things that were of concern:
I had elevated glucose on my blood work - gyno was asking Q's about possible diabetes in family. I did eat a bag of pretzels before the exam. She wants to retest. Keep in mind I've eaten next to nothing for about 5 days due to the Wellbutrin.
I also had elevated white blood cell count, and I'm trying not to freak out about that. I have a sore throat and cough thing going on, not to mention my EXTREME stress levels, so I think that's what that is. Still, they want to retest.

My gyno is taking me very seriously, and while I like that a lot, it makes me nervous that she might think that I could actually be really sick. She said over and over again that she highly doubts there would be any malignancy, but I still think negatively. Granted, i feel a million times better than I did yesterday!!!

I guess this is my last Q:
I can't eat anything! This wellbutrin is kicking my butt. I feel like I should at least try to get something in my belly, but even the smell of most things is just not meshing with my appetite. Anyone have any suggestions? I'm doing greek yogurt currently to try and get my digestive tract back in order. Every bite is a challenge.
Thanks again for all who are replying!