Feeling blue

**Shell86** · 09-14-2011 10:54 PM

I already suffer major depression and am on anti depressants.
But this last week or so I have just been feeling miserable, no desire to do anything. I wake up feeling exhausted and come home from work exhausted that I just collapse. Basically I just feel mentally and physically exhausted all the time not to mention feeling ill and often having a cold or flu. I have tried to exercise but it just makes me feel worse instead of better. Simple things are constantly a challenge. I am just so over feeling like this all the time, sometimes it gets better but then I just go down hill again.
I suppose it doesn't help that I am nearly 10 weeks pregnant and the father is being a jerk. He has hardly even spoken to me since I told him, he had pretty much already stopped talking to me before I knew I was pregnant. It's been playing on my mind as to why he treated me like after trying to sweep me off my feet. I feel confused and emotional about it all. I have this overwhelming desire for him to be here and help me through this, I don't know why because he treated me like but I just want him here and to be apart of this. It's just as much his fault we are in this situation as it is mine.
Work is extremely stressful and I am running the risk of not even making my probation. I am so scared about everything that is happening in my life. It feels like a huge snowball effect with all the issues I am facing.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-15-2011 01:17 AM

Wow Shell, there is a lot going on there for you, your Dad's illness a couple of months ago, a new man that didn't turn out to mean what he said, a new job, a baby on it's way and having to cope with both of those situations all by yourself.

I don't recall or know if you are in a band too, or at least followed x.st around alot, long hours into the morning

But, to me it sounds like you are worn out, totally worn out and often our body shuts down, so that it will rest.

Take that aside, is the baby her brothers? If so have you spoken to her and asked her to at least speak to him about being responsible a little?

I know you thought he was the perfect guy, your thread ended abruptly there but I get upset when guys talk the L word in jest, knowing that a girl is falling and then says na, now I have her in love with me I'm not interested... Up him self sorry x.st.

Talk....we are all ears, just vent away and talk away on this thread okay... You need as much rest as you can, you could have fybromyalgia which is believed to occur from traumatic stress, and it makes your body feel tired, weak, no energy, and makes you feel down personally... Google it sweet and maybe see a Doctor.

Sorry you are going through all of this but you are going to be fine and you are going to make a wicked Mother

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-15-2011 03:21 PM

bumping for moral support....

**Shell86** · 09-15-2011 03:21 PM

It sure feels like a lot and I don't know here to begin in trying to get myself right! Dad is doing a lot better so that is a plus, he still struggles. Mum and Dad are going through have been separated for nearly 12 months now and that has had a huge impact on the family. He pretty much found a new woman they day my mum left. It's coming up to there wedding anniversary on the 17th of this month and it's also the date that my Mum walked out. He is now asking her to start the divorce process and there is talk/rumors of him marrying this new woman.

No the baby is not x.st brother lol It was the guy that promised me everything but the moment I fell just left me. I agree I can't stand people who just through the L word around. His sisters stopped talking to me because of it which I found rather immature. At this point I don't think he has even told his family about the expected little one. He did say that he would be there when I first found out but he has shown no sign of being there at this point. At one stage I think he expected me to just have an abortion. Abortion to me is just not an option.

I feel like my body is shutting down on me. I woke up today thiking that I am not sure how much more I can push myself before I am going to just break. I am meant to work today but I just couldn't get myself up out of bed. It feels like the only time I can forces myself up is when I need the bathroom/food/drink haha It's horrible. The sucky this is feeling like this makes me depression worse so it feels like verything is on a downward spiral and I feel really panicky. I am worried about losing my job even though that has caused a lot of stress I am scared of not having an income and at the moment I can't afford to not have an income at all.

Gosh I sound like one little morbid person don't I?

**Shell86** · 09-15-2011 03:23 PM

I hope I make a good mama but it honestly scares me that the way I am feeling at the moment and everything that is going on that I am not only failing myself but I am failing my baby. I feel so disappointed in myself. This is not the path I wanted my life to take and I don't know how to gain control of it or to even make something of myself.
It's like depression had complete control over me.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-15-2011 03:28 PM

Na, you sound as you should be, all things have changed dramatically in your life and you are trying to work out the next moves and it's scary until you have all of those answers.

Have you told your parents? I gather you are not living at home and still sharing an apartment or place?

Your body needs rest, spend it all day in bed relaxing, reading, what ever, let a day go by without thinking of what to do next.

More than likely then, he will eventually come around I'd be thinking about the time you popped your little one out

It does take two, and it happened, and you are having the baby, obviously he's not ready to be a daddy and also, you should write him a letter and let him know it was exactly that, not planned or deliberate and you respect his thoughts of perhaps not being ready or wanting his first child as a married man, what ever those thoughts are, but you hope that he gets to know his baby when it's born and throughout its life and you welcome that as much as you welcome him having his own life as you will have yours.

He could feel that he is trapped.

What is your job?

When you've rested fully for one day...

We can maybe work with one question to solve at a time...I think once you have the answers for all the questions and all the emotional feelings you are going through (don't forget pregnancy makes you also emotional), then maybe you will have a sense of safety and renewal

**Shell86** · 09-15-2011 04:09 PM

Well I have told my Mum and she has been really excited about the whole this and supportive to. As for the rest of my family, I haven't told them. I am scared to tell my Dad. He slapped me earlier this year just for getting my nose pierced ( I will be 25 in Nov) So it somewhat scares me to what his reaction would be. I moved out of home when I was 17. Mum wants us to move in together and I do think it would be a good idea because I need her support when Bubs is here but also don't feel ready for that as it would mean moving know before I get bigger. It scares me to be honest. I'm still living with x.st and another good friend. They love the idea of being Aunties but I don't want to burden them with a screaming bub as much as they don't want me to move out.

I sent him a big email 2 weeks ago saying that I was not pushing him into a corner and did not expect a relationship out of this but that I hoped that he would be apart of the babies life because it will be an amazing time for him to and I didn't want him to miss out on that. I said that it scared me as much as it scared him and I certainly was not expecting it either but everything works out in weird ways even when we are not ready or prepared. It took a week to get a text back saying sorry for the late reply, that he hadn't spoken to anyone about it because it had not been the right time atm to bring it up. That was all I got.

I don't want him feeling trapped but I don't want him to miss out either. You know, it's a huge thing and amazing thing even under the circumstances. I guess for me I am the one physically going through it so I see it differently to what he does. Without sounding bad I guess he can someone escape it where as I wake up knowing it is there everyday.

I work in a Bank doing Customer service and teller duties. It's a 40min train trip one way every day and that sends me into anxiety I'm not sure why.

That would be great, to be able to work through one thing at a time. At the moment I feel like I am just swamped in everything and I don't no what direction to go to try and get out. It's like I am be tumbled around by waves in the ocean and I can't seem to grasp what way is up to try and get a breath of air

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-15-2011 04:42 PM

I think if you are going to continue working and your Mum wants to be there for you x.st. and the other girl will understand it will be easier for you, you are not going to lose your friendship with them.

The fact also that he texted back means he is needing time to think this all through, it's a shock you know, to him as well, give him time, you welcomed him into the baby's life unfortunately he may not be there through your pregnancy but I think he will come around once your baby together is born.

You are "not" failing your baby your just down at the moment, as I said as you start working through your worries one by one, it will get easier for you... What has your Mum said about her thoughts on Dad finding out, he has to at some stage, maybe she can tell him?

That's a great job to have, it's for life when you work for a bank most times, maybe you are clostriphobic?

Just breathe sweet, take today off and rest and we will all work with you with one problem at a time, it's the only way to do this x

**Shell86** · 09-15-2011 06:11 PM

I have to continue working, I don't have any other option really. I wish I could just check myself out and take time out! I know the girls will understand either way, I wouldn't want to burden them either. I think what concerns me is that Mum often lets out all her feelings about Dad and the separation to me. And it's things I don't need to know about or things I don't think she should be telling me. I know that this would get in the way if we live together. If I tell her to stop she gets offended and shuts down on me. I find it hard to talk to her even with my own issues sometimes. I know she tries and cares and does her most best. Don't get my wrong, I love my Mum to bits. I just can't deal with what she is going through on top of everything I am trying to deal with.

I won't be able to rely on Mum financially either as she is on about the same salary as me and is struggling with the settlement of the separation. So in that aspect moving in with her won't be help financially as I will still be paying rent food, power and bills ect ect Not that I would feel comfortable doing that either because I have always been raised to take care of myself and have always paid my way.

I get that he needs time and me being a woman obviously wants that support know lol I guess I can only take things as it comes. I my first scan in a few weeks and I hope he will come but I won't hold hopes.

You know the biggest disappointment is the disappointment that you have in yourself and I think it comes down to that because everything till this point as not be an easy road. And I feel like I am constantly letting myself down. I wish I was successful and all that but I feel like I have just failed miserably at everything, even in relationships. I love working in finance, I guess I just haven't found the area I want to be in. I find teller really good but the downfall is the sales and the amount of stress put on me to get the sales. I think a lot of my anxiety comes from the pressure put on me. It almost feels easier to just fail rather than push yourself to the point you health is affected.

Mum hasn't really put much input on what Dad will say. I told her I don't want to tell him and at first she said I don't have to but then said I would eventually have to say something but in my own time. I don't think she could speak for me because of her situation with him and her dislike towards him.

Thank you so much for your support

have made myself a hot chocolate and am lying down watching the morning news

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-15-2011 08:21 PM

You know life is full of dissapointments, obsticles to jump.

I think we suffer from outside pressure as a teenager and again at 25, especially where marriage and settling down, our futures are concerened.

Yet, I was 30 when I really got going with my passions in life, career, buying my first home, nothing is impossible, and I chose not to listen to other peoples views on the OMG 25, you are not married yet?

It's good that your Mum sees you as her rock, it's not fair for sure, as we as kids don't want to take sides or know too much as they are "our parents" but I guess she may feel trust in you and can't help herself

You ARE NOT A DISSAPOINTMENT, you need to stop seeing yourself as that, you are not on the dole, you have a secure entry to a job, that you love, finance is a passion, so you succeeded. You are not a dissapointment because your Mother is your friend, there is a bond, not all daughters can achieve that and you are not a dissapointment, you chose to enjoy your life for a while, so what, good for you, and as for relationships you are just searching in the wrong places, attracking the wrong "type" we all have done that too..You are just finding yourself that's all.

Are you full time? Are you on a probation period? If not I am pretty sure all banks in Australia have maternity leave time...