feel like i can't handle life anymore

**michellenm** · 11-07-2011 07:54 AM

I always feel so overwhelmed by everything. I'm exhausted. Me and my boyfriend fight all the time, never have sex... He has asperger's and a bunch of other good ones so it's always a struggle. Even just last night, he got physical with me and it just makes me feel so low. I feel so inadequate because I'm always comparing myself to other girls, and I'm "thicker" so I always end up feeling so crappy because I just can't compare. I have so much anxiety, and I feel like I can never just be happy. Right now I feel way too hopeless and I just.. don't know..

How many of you have ever just felt totally hopeless and honestly wondered how much longer you'd be able to deal with life? I am young, I'm 19, but I have this feeling in me of such loneliness and hopelessness. I feel like I'm never going to be able to get myself in a happy place in life. What do you guys do to handle anxiety?? I just wish I had a friend to talk to here, instead of only a boyfriend who I can't even get along with... Ugh :/

**KMonte85** · 11-07-2011 10:23 AM

I'm very sorry you're feeling this way, michelle! Do you have a history of depression and anxiety, and if so, are you being treated for it?

No one should have to walk through life feeling overwhelmed and hopeless. You can always come here and talk to your friends on WH, vent, get it all out.

As for your boyfriend... why is it that you stay with the guy, when you can't get along, and don't even have sex? It seems like your boyfriend and this relationship might be contributing to why you're feeling so lonely and depressed. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be with someone who helps make you happy.

**michellenm** · 11-10-2011 06:15 AM

I'm moving out in a month when my semester's over, if I had withdrawn I would had to have paid back all of my tuition. And we do love each other. I know it sounds dumb, and I know it's so much more complicated than it needs to be.
And I have always had feelings like this, they're just so much worse now. I know once I get away from it all and go back home I'll start feeling better but I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to get rid of the anxiety, always wondering what he's doing and it'll kill me if he doesn't answer my calls. I worry that I'm never gonna be able to make any relationship work. I worry that I'll NEVER be able to trust ANYONE. I worry about getting attached to someone again, too. I don't want to ever again, but I'm afraid I will too quickly again and just keep hurting myself over and over. I want to be able to let go of these feelings of wanting him but I can't. I want to so badly because it hurts so badly but I just can't.

**michellenm** · 11-10-2011 06:15 AM

I feel like I just can't do it right, and I don't want to keep going through the trial and error. :/

**KMonte85** · 11-10-2011 06:56 AM

trial and error is what life is all about! The trick is you can't beat yourself up every time you try and it doesn't work out - this is how we learn and grow. Hardly anyone finds their true love on the first try. Have you ever heard the old addage, "You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your Prince?" It is so true.

You're being WAY too hard on yourself! I think if you cut yourself some slack, realize you're human, realize you're bound to make mistakes and can learn from each of them, you'll have a much brighter outlook on school, relationships, your future.

How can you do this? Well I don't know.. are you able to change your thought patterns on your own? If not, perhaps it's time you meet up with a licensed counselor, who is trained to help people with just that task.

**michellenm** · 11-10-2011 08:05 AM

I am going to start seeing a counselor when I go back home. Thank you

I am being too hard on myself. I'm just too controlling and I'm trying to make things go my way, but I need to remember it's beyond my control and I'll drive myself crazy--or even crazier lol--trying to change everything and anything. Thank you

)

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-10-2011 01:55 PM

michelle

You are very scared of abandonment why?

Maybe also you are confined to just feeling that living day by day is all you can do, instead of "living".

How was your childhood? Where is your Father and what was he to you?

If you don't mind me asking

And, what are your dreams, your goals, your future to you....

**Maximus** · 11-15-2011 05:11 PM

why are you so hard on yourself ? mercilessly putting yourself down ?
Although it's true that we can only what high means when we have experienced "low",
but we don't have to dwell down there

True strength comes from within, and is fostered through the challenges that present themselves to us...
All to invite you to see this as a great growth opportunity for you.

As for the trial and error, I agree with you.
You can't try all the possibilities.
Have you seen, felt the easier path ? the one the least painful, bringing more joy, a greater sense of achievement ?
That trail will bring you "home"....

**michellenm** · 11-23-2011 10:11 AM

Chandler's Wish--
I don't mind, I'll go in order lol...
I think I'm scared of abandonment because I have and always have had so few people who I really connected with and who meant something, besides family. Namely they were boyfriends, and as I grew up, I grew apart from the few girl-friends I did have, even though I did pick up other friends here and there too but they just never REALLY stuck. There would be a few people who would make me so happy and so then to not have them scares me so much

That's a good way of putting it, I do feel like I'm living day to day. So then I started feeling like days are just slipping away and each day goes by and still I'm not doing anything

My dad isn't, wasn't, and has never been very involved with me. He's a good dad to the two kids who live with him, my half-siblings, but he's no authoritarian, I'm grateful I was raised by my mother lol He's can be a good guy but to be honest I have no respect for him. I know that sounds bad but I kind of see him as another person, not as my dad. And I know the person he is, is crazy! He is bipolar and the most disrespectful toward women i've ever seen another man be, and he's just obnoxious and full of himself and insensitive and it just drives me crazy. those are not desirable traits in another person! i did have a "stepdad" for 9 years from the time i was 6-15--he was a man my mother was with for that long, they never married, but they bought a house together and the whole family thing, he had a boy and a girl just like my mom did. he was a good guy but he didn't like my little brother, so there was just always a wall up around me and around him.

I'm still unsure of what I want to do with my life, but I'm studying human services, which is counseling and social work, things like that. I have two lives I want for myself: 1) I want to get my degree and get a job as a drug counselor or any social work really, where I can actually help people. I would meet a guy along the way too who treats me right and I love and he loves me. I think I wanna get married one day. and then i want a daughter because I would love her sooo much and make sure she was raised right and smart, and i'd still make sure she was always happy.--i kind of don't even want a dad around, maybe just me and her? lol
2) get my degree then become a glassblower--maybe own my own business? i'd love to travel and sell what i make and live that gypsy-type way of life. and probably still have a daughter

i'm torn! lol i want a traditional life, but i also want to be free.

I do know I want to have a child. I want to have money saved up, and security in general, before i do but that is the one thing I know, that I want to be a mother someday.

oh and sorry for the late reply lol

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-23-2011 01:20 PM

Better late than never

I think you are going to be fine.

There are two sides to you... Probably alot of confusion as well, from when you were younger. One of you wants to be successful in life and do the norm, marry, have children, the other wants to be free, carefree and roam the World but be known, to people as you sell your goods.

Both sides, want....

If I could give you any advice it would be in order to set yourself free, free yourself of the past.

Then you can go in either direction you desire without worrying about the future.

The little girl you were, you want to make sure your little girl never goes through.

The people you hold close to you outside of family, are the only people you have let into your life.

Let people in.

And, lastly, as you don't "trust", you find you can relate and open up more to a man within a relationship, than you can to a girlfriend...

Trust who you are, no one else really matters, they can't hurt you, if you are true to yourself.